Friday, August 20, 2010

Ronny Paulino Is Fat, Suspended

Marlins catcher Ronny Paulino became the second big leaguer to get slapped with a 50 game suspension after violating the league's drug policy. Edinson Volquez was the first but he was hurt and it didn't matter anyway. In fact, I think Volquez is just now entering his third rookie year. The 6'3, 250 pound catcher will begin his sentence immediately and explained that he was only taking the "performance enhancer" because he wasn't happy with how he looked in a bathing suit...
"To control my weight this season, I used a dietary pill," Paulino said in a statement released by the team. "I recently learned that the dietary pill contained a substance banned under Major League Baseball's drug policy. I am ashamed and saddened for disappointing and distracting my family, my teammates, the entire Florida Marlins organization and baseball fans."
Have we learned nothing from Starcaps? Most dietary drugs, even if they aren't crystal meth (I'm looking at you strippers), are against professional sports leagues' substance abuse policies. And with MLB's newfound hard-on for busting anyone that has ever seen a guy smoke pot, how do you not get anything you're taking approved by the league? Or instead of taking drugs, and I know this is going to sound silly, why don't you try watching your diet and working out more?

Let's take a look at what I imagine Ronny Paulino's diet is, put together from one of my favorite sites This Is Why You're Fat...

Breakfast - Country Breakfast Wrap

Scrambled eggs, pork sausage, potatoes and American cheese rolled inside a buttermilk pancake topped with maple syrup.

Lunch - Meat Mountain

Dinner - Pizza Burger

Two personal pepporoni pizzas with a hamburger patty on top, with bacon and covered with cheese and ranch dressing.

Dessert - Pake

Pake = a pie inside a cake

A lemon-vanilla cake with blueberry preserves, strawberry pie, and cream cheese frosting.

I think I caught diabetes from putting together that menu.

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