Red Sox Make Carl Crawford Super Rich

After tonight's Carl Crawford coup and the Adrian Gonzalez trade, I imagine Theo Epstein is smoking a Cuban cigar and drinking a 30-year-old single malt scotch while strippers peel off Red Sox uniforms except for the knee high socks. I knew I should have gone to Yale or high school. Just days after the Red Sox traded for the biggest non-free agent bat in Gonzalez, Boston signed Crawford to a seven-year, $142 million contract. Only Manny Ramirez has ever signed a more lucrative deal as an outfielder when he raked in $160 million from, um, the Red Sox.

Epstein still has to sign Gonzalez to an extension which will also easily clear the $100 million mark. It also turns out that the Red Sox were one of the mystery teams that offered Cliff Lee seven years. It must be rough for Theo to throw around all of John Henry's Monopoly money with his fancy Ivy League degree and shiny World Series rings.

Now would probably be a good time to remind you that I'm a very bitter Angels fan. With Crawford off the market to the Red Sox, the Yankees, Rangers and maybe the Angels will start spewing dollars and years at Cliff Lee like a 14-year-old after a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps. Tis the season.

It's anybody's guess but I think the Yankees will go to seven years and sign Cliff Lee. The Angels appear to be the entire market for Adrian Beltre now and could also afford to throw cash at Rafael Soriano. The Rangers, not to be left empty handed, have the pieces to make a strong push for a Zach Greinke trade.

Curveballs for Jobu

Curveballs for Jobu is Offbasepercentage's daily trip around the ballparks.

Today's honorary bay boy is Adam Hyzdu and he's here because he was a member of the last 100 loss Pirates team in 2001.

We are officially in the home stretch of the regular season and I badly need this Jobu because I spent the weekend watching football and the UFC. Well, the second half of yesterday I was pretty much just drinking and cursing Garrett Hartley. Let's take that quick spin around some of yesterday's games...

Giants 4, Rockies 2. Matt Cain took a no-hitter into the 8th and finished with a 9 IP, 3 H, 2R, 8K line. That ladies and gentleman will pretty much wrap up the 2010 season for the Rox. The Giants stay .5 game up on the Padres but if they somehow miss the playoffs, which is possible since the Pads and Giants play each other to end the season, I'm switching my playoff team for the third and final time to the Phillies. Blog favorite Buster Posey: 1-3 with a walk.

Reds 12, Padres 2. The Pads and specifically Clayton Richard couldn't help themselves yesterday. Richard got shelled over 5 innings of 5 hit, 6 run ball adding in 4 walks for good measure. Joey Votto hit his 37th home run of the season. Maybe I'll switch my playoff allegiance to the Reds, they seem like a fun team. By the end of the season, I'll be rooting for everybody but the Yankees.

Yankees 4, Red Sox 3 (10). Speaking of the Yankees, Marino Rivera blew another save but so did Papelbon. The game winner in the 10th was the dramatic walk-off walk by Juan Miranda. Edge of your seat action right there folks. Derek Jeter went 0-4 with 2 strikeouts. Jeter's .266/.336/.369 line should fetch him a fresh 4-year, $80 million contract next year. Between that and Minka Kelly, my heart is filled with murderous jealousy.

Mariners 6, Rays 2. Isn't that cute? The M's still think baseball season is going on. They're actually screwing with real teams. Matt Mangini played third base for the M's. Did you know he's the cousin of Browns coach Eric Mangini? I have no idea is that's true or not, my research staff is comprised of hobos who sleep in the public library.

White Sox 4, Angels 3. Only 7 more games until the Hot Stove league!