Trevor Bauer Throws A Golden Huarache

So far, Trevor Bauer's adjustment to life in pro ball from UCLA is off to a much worse start than Keifer Sutherland's television career after 24. Have you seen Touch? Yeah, neither has anyone else. Making his Cleveland Indians debut after the Diamondbacks jettisoned Bauer (Trevor) for cents on the dollar, the 22-year-old pitcher turned in a performance that led me to believe I could have been an on base monster in the majors. Except, you know, I cramped up typing that sentence.

Before we get to Bauer's first inning where he was (allegedly) blindfolded and spun around a bat 10 times, I should explain the title of this post. I've decided to take it upon myself to name a stat that nobody is tracking because..you're welcome. A Golden Huarache is when a pitcher walks four batters in an inning. A huarache is a Mexican sandal. Sounds reasonable, right? What Bauer did, however, was throw a Natural Golden Huarache or walk the first four batters he faced. Let's see how the magic happened...

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Desmond Jennings looking. Oh, I suppose all of these will be looking. I'm used to covering Golden Sombreros. Jennings took the first pitch for a strike before getting four consecutive balls. Four Consecutive Balls is also the name of a male strip club in New Orleans. So I've heard.

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Matt Joyce. Bauer got ahead in the count 0-2 before falling behind 3-2. Joyce fouled two off before taking the walk.

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Ben Zobrist. On four pitches. Here's my artist's rendition of the at bat...



Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Evan Longoria. This was actually a nine pitch battle because Longoria swung at stuff having clearly not watched the first three plate appearances by his teammates. But he managed to get that sweet bases loaded walk RBI anyway.

Bauer got out of the inning after James Loney fouled out on the first pitch he saw, Yunel Escobar lined out and Joyce was out at home. All said, Bauer threw 105 pitches (59 strikes) over 5.0 innings giving up just three runs on two hits and seven walks. The injured and often terrible Scott Kazmir can breathe easy, unless that strains his back, considering his fifth spot in the Indians rotations appears safe.

But it does raise the question of what is wrong with Trevor Bauer. Is he masking an injury? Is he just not that good? Is his pregame warmup stupid? Did his daughter get caught in a cougar trap in season two? No, that would be ridiculous. Could it be the dreaded yips? Because I hear Chuck Knoblauch holds a camp that teaches you how to not cry after throwing a baseball 50 feet from its intended target.

If I had to guess, Bauer probably just needs glasses and to stop sleeping with Corbin Bernsen's wife.

Jets Should Try Trading For Trevor Bauer

Unless you're my grandpa who can't work the Internet and watches the toaster oven for breaking news, you probably heard all about the New York Jets almost-kinda-maybe-still trade for Tim Tebow. Football is dead to me after the Saints got blackballed from the league following the bounty-system punishment. But I've been waiting to work this video into a post for a while now and, tah-dah! *auditions to write segues for CBS sitcoms*

The Diamondbacks top prospect and former UCLA star, Trevor Bauer, has a unique warm-up routine. It may not be a classic throwing motion for a quarterback but Joe Jackson threw prettier games than Tim Tebow.

There's a cutoff man to get the ball back to Bauer! That's crazy. Not as crazy as the Kim Bauer-cougar trap plot that showed up in season two of 24 but nobody could believe that one either.

Trevor Bauer appears to be able to throw a ball more accurately and for a longer distance than Tebow. Plus if Tebow plays in the same city as Derek Jeter and A-Rod, New York sports columnists will suffer multiple strokes having to watch TMZ.