2013 Team Awards: Cincinnati Reds

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Cincinnati Reds. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Joey Votto

This wasn't an easy one. From someone who watched 95% of the team's games (only missing because I work during the week and couldn't skip out of work early for every mid-week businessman's special game), I think one of the damning qualities of the 2013 Reds may have been the lack of a true MVP. The numbers are there to please the sabermetrics crowd for Joey Votto (.305/.435/.491), but he honestly wasn't anything terrific in 2013. Let me rephrase; he wasn't 2010 Joey Votto, because that guy was an absolute menace for opposing pitching staffs. 

Votto had the nice 6.2 fWAR, but something seemed off. If I had to guess, he's still not completely back from knee surgery after the 2012 season. His lower half seemed to fail him - compare his ISO from the 2010 miraculous season (.276) and in 2013 (.186) and you see that it's a guy whose dip in power could completely be coming from a lack of torque in the lower half. Votto is still an amazing hitter without being at full strength; but for the Reds to take the next step and actually win a playoff series he's going to have to be more than just real good. That could happen, or the Reds could have someone else step up and carry the team, allowing Joey Votto to just be real good. As it stands the Reds have a bunch of 'pretty good' players but no one who was actually ELITE-ELITE. It felt that living and dying with them each night last summer. 

When the lights went out on their season, I drank a bottle of Sailor Jerry rum as I watched the outs melt away like sands through an hourglass. I didn't go into work the next day. I turned off my phone and didn't return text messages or calls. I needed that time for me. It was as if someone died and I needed the mourning period after the funeral. I am beginning to realize my allegiance to this franchise might not be a healthy habit in my life. To be a Reds fan with this current core, my one piece of advice would be to have a physical performed by your doctor to make sure you have a healthy functioning liver and kidneys. If he gets back to you with good news it's safe to proceed. 

LVP: Brandon Phillips 

I've always been a big Brandon Phillips supporter. I like the guy. He drove in a career-high 103 runs this past season. He made some jaw-dropping plays in the field. He played in 151 games. These are all things I appreciate as a fan. But we also saw the bad side of Phillips - like bitching about Joey Votto's contract in July. Or cussing out Reds beat writer C. Trent Rosecrans (and calling him the Pillsbury Doughboy). 

These things left a rotten taste in my mouth. When Phillips was complaining about his contract in comparison to Votto's, my question is why is this player doing this in such an important season? Why would someone who supposedly bleeds his team's colors in his veins creating a remarkable distraction in a season that the Reds needed to go deep in the postseason? The window is getting ready to close, and this guy is being a prick over money. I can live with a lot of things - but I'm starting to consider the notion of living without Brandon Phillips being a part of my favorite sports franchise. Let him go be a diva in a big market town. Let him go tell Mike Lupica to eat a bag of dicks out in New York. 

The Brandon Phillips who used to be a power/speed threat is no more. He stole five bases last season. He's slowly contributing to the Reds becoming a station-to-station National League club who sits around and waits for the three-run homer. Dusty Baker gets some blame in all of this, but in a division with the Cardinals and upstart Pirates, being a team in that mold is a huge problem. I think the Reds front office shares this same feeling with me, which is why you'll hear whispers of Phillips getting dealt in the off-season. Best guess is that Phillips talks his way into another chance with the Reds and they don't find the right price from a taker, but DatDude better change dem ways.

Cy Young: Aroldis Chapman 

I really can't overstate what it's like to have a lead and to send Aroldis Chapman into a game in the ninth inning. It's not that he converts every lead into a win - he's blown five saves in each of the last two seasons and when he's going to blow one you know it almost from his warm-up tosses. When bad Aroldis shows up, you're fucked. And it's painfully obvious. But I'm not sure I've ever seen a more dominating arm in my lifetime. I feel like getting to watch him his 105 MPH when I'm live at the stadium must have been what it was like to watch Michael Jordan in the old Slam Dunk contests. It's something you'll never see again no matter how long you live. 

Chapman posted a career high 15.83 K/9 in 2013. He was only worth 1.6 fWAR, but it's not his fault that his idiot manager petitioned the organization in Spring Training to leave Aroldis as a reliever. Even pitching coach Bryan Price (now Reds manager) was ready to make Chapman a starter where he could truly be a Cy Young candidate. But nooooooooo..... Dusty Baker and his status quo act had to step in and shit in everyone's birthday cake. 

I could have given this award to Mat Latos. But that just felt 'blah' to me. Aroldis Chapman is the best pitcher on the Reds roster. He has two 80-grade pitches. He just needs to be in the right role, and I think you'll see Aroldis as a starter in 2014.

Cy Yuck: Johnny Cueto

Now this will raise some eyebrows, but hear me out. Johnny Cueto was really good when he was part of the Reds rotation in 2013 (5-2, 2.82 ERA, 51 K, 18 BB) but the guy only appeared in 11 games. The injury bug that bit him in the 2012 playoffs continued to bite in 2013, leaving the Reds rotation in a constant state of flux due to the fact their 'ace' was rehabbing through the entire season. 

And then in true Dusty fashion, they throw Cueto out there for the one-game Wildcard Playoff in Pittsburgh because he looked good in a couple tune-up starts against a teams who were ready to start their golf game (the Astros). 

Cueto's wind-up might be causing the durability issues. And he looked completely rattled in Pittsburgh in one of the biggest games in modern franchise history. Everyone has an off night where their stuff just isn't there, but it was obvious from the opening moments of that game that Cueto's focus was off and the ferocious Pittsburgh crowd ruined him. I don't want that from my ace. And the Reds continue the trend of starting the wrong guy in the postseason (remember when they led with Edison Volquez)? What the hell are they trying to do to me. If you're keeping score at home, Cueto was worth a sparkling 0.6 fWAR in 2013. It's amazing that the Reds were able to win as many games as they did getting this minimal amount of output out of their number one (thank you Tony Cingrani).

Reliever of the Year: Aroldis Chapman

(Imagine Bart Simpson writing this on the chalkboard at the beginning of a Simpsons episode):
Screw you Dusty Baker.
Screw you Dusty Baker. 
Screw you Dusty Baker. 
Screw you Dusty Baker. 
Screw you Dusty Baker. 

2013 Team Awards: Chicago Cubs

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Cubs. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*


MVP: Most valuable player for the Cubs? Well let's just take a look at the roster and......ahhhhh!!!! Run!! The Cubs roster is after us!!

Seriously, though, the Cubs' MVP was probably Anthony Rizzo. The great-great-grandson of Antonio Rizzo, great-grandson of Anthony Rizzo, grandson of Anthony Rizzo and son of Anthony "Tony" Rizzo hit 23 home runs and had a team-high 2.3 WAR.

Chicago's second-best player was.....Nate Schierholtz (.470 slugging, 21 HR)?

THE 2013 CHICAGO CUBS
"Our second-best player
was Nate Schierholtz."

LVPs: Starlin Castro & Darwin Barney

If you lead your league in at bats (666) and play shortstop, you should probably have better numbers than Castro's .245/.284/.347 and -0.6 WAR.

And Barney's 2013 season was somehow worse as he hit .208/.266/.303, which is like slapping Wayne Tolleson in the face and shoving him down to the ground while he's popping up a bunt in foul territory.

But despite the rough season, the Cubs' second baseman still led the National League in several categories:

* Most home runs by a Darwin (7)
* Best stolen base percentage by a Darwin (67%)
* Best ERA by a Darwin since Darwin Cubillan's 5.40 ERA in 2004 (0.00)
* Easiest name to turn into Barwin Darney

Cy Young: Travis Wood

The southpaw was one of the few bright spots on a team that lost 96 games, compiling a 3.11 ERA in exactly 200 innings pitched.

Cy Yuck: Edwin Jackson

The Dodgers' Edinson Volquez exists, so we can't call Jackson the NL's worst starting pitcher. Volquez had the worst ERA (5.71) and WHIP (1.59) of full-time starters, while Jackson was second-worst in both categories (4.98, 1.46). Jackson led the league in losses with 18, so Volquez was denied in his bid for the Leaf Crown.

ROY: Blake Parker

Reliever of the year: Pedro Strop

The Cubs had a handful of good relievers, including Strop, who came over from the Orioles in a July trade and pitched to a 2.83 ERA and 0.94 WHIP in Chicago, and Parker, who had a 2.72 ERA and nearly 11 strikeouts per nine innings in his first full season.

After his excellent rookie season, Parker was rewarded by the team, who told the 28-year old that his face would be the new Cubs' logo starting in 2014.

2013 Team Awards: Philadelphia Phillies

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Philadelphia Phillies. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Cliff Lee

There is snow in the forecast, so of course I am writing about a team where a pitcher was it's most valuable player. I wanted to write Chase Utley's name in here along with his 3.9 fWAR and 126 wRC+, but I just couldn't do it. I do get a bonus though whenever I mention Chase Utley in a blog post though. So, Chase Utley Chase Utley Chase Utley Chase Utley. There, that should earn me some brownie points with MTD, maybe even actual brownies. 

Aside from the Utley-love that resonates around these parts, it was Cliff Lee that was the driving force for the underwhelming Phillies in 2013. His 5.1 fWAR led the team, and I personally have never seen a pitcher who's ERA, FIP and xFIP (2.87, 2.82, 2.78) were so close together. Lee may very well be the perfect pitcher, unfortunately, his 14-8 record isn't going to get much love with the BBWAA crowd. Don't worry, Cliff, you're still loved by those who pay attention (And those who are suckers for smooth lefties).

[Ed: If you'd like to argue Albert Pujols should have won the MVP in 2006 or 2007, we don't have to have a problem. But if you wanted to give a Phillie the MVP in 2006 or 2007 and chose Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins over Chase Utley, then I'm blocking you, reporting you as spam and turning you over to the NSA]

2013 Team Awards: Seattle Mariners

This is the Mariner Moose doing...well...I don't know what the hell he is doing. 

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Seattle Mariners. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Kendrys Morales

Kyle Seager led the offense with an fWAR of 3.4 thanks in large part to his defense, but the Cuban Missile was one of the few Mariners players who not only knew what he was doing with a bat in his hands, but also knew how to hold it correctly. In 156 games he hit .277/.336/.449 while hitting 23 home runs and driving in 80 from the Designated Hitter spot. He still runs like his ankle is held together by chewing gum and flash frozen silly putty, but that was never a big part of his game anyway. 

2013 Team Awards: Colorado Rockies

2013 Team Awards: Oakland Athletics

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Athletics. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Josh Donaldson

Donaldson followed up his rookie campaign in 2012 by posting a .301/.384/.499 slash line in 2013, contributing to his 7.7 fWAR which was good enough for second in the American League, and probably seventh or eighth in the AL MVP voting. He is walking proof that you can move almost anybody to third base after switching to the position in the beginning of 2012, improving on his 5.5 FRAA from last year, and posting an FRAA of 10.0 this season. I'm also pretty sure that he is the love-child of Woody Harrelson and Hunter Pence...

I can't be the only one who sees the family resemblance, right?

2013 Team Awards: Minnesota Twins

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Twins. 
 
*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*


MVP: Trevor Plouffe

No, only kidding, it was Joe Mauer. The Twins' catcher had another outstanding season - .324 average, .404 on-base in 113 games - and was the only bright spot on an offense that scored just 614 runs. Well, unless you count Brian Dozier and his 18 home runs as a bright spot, but please don't.

"The Twins struck out nearly three times as much as they walked (1,430 K, second-most in baseball & 533 walks), but take away Eric Fryer's 3 K, 3 BB season and it's only 1427 to 530."

- Damion Pettigrew, Eric Fryer fan club member #289

LVP: Pedro Florimon

After being claimed off waivers from the Orioles, Florimon hit .219 in 43 games for the '12 Twins. Management had seen enough and made Florimon the everyday shortstop for 2013, and he did dissapoint, hitting .221 with a .281 on-base percentage, though his 115 strike outs were only fourth-worst on the team.

Other things Florimon did fourth-worst on the 2013 Twins:

* Fourth-worst audition for the Ron Gardenhire-directed one-act play Dances With Foul Poles during batting practice on May 17th
* Fourth-worst impersonation of bullpen coach Nate Dammann at the post-season team picnic
* August 5-11 road trip - Fourth-worst job of brushing his teeth

Florimon leaping over a Texas Rangers player during happier times (card value: 11 pistachio shells)

Cy Young: Glen Perkins

Perkins was excellent in the closer's role - 0.92 WHIP, 2.30 ERA, 36 saves - and struck out over 11 batters per nine innings (seventh among AL relievers).

Cy Yuck: Scott Diamond

Diamond was a pretty good starter for the Twins in 2012, so I'm assuming another solid season was expected of him in 2013. Instead, the southpaw faced 576 batters and didn't get many of them out, or least didn't get Lorenzo Cain out that much on August 1 (two walks and a single for anyone retroactively charting fantasy statistics). Diamond won six games, but four of them came against the Whitesox (3) and Mariners (1), so Diamond won two games.

Rookie reliever of the Year: Caleb Thielbar
ROY: Josmil Pinto

Here's the thing about the 2013 Twins: about six players were valuable. That's out of 319 who wore the uniform during the six-month season. So there seems to be more awards than people. Perkins was the top pitcher and reliever, which makes the left-handed reliever Thielbar the top rookie after being called up in late-May and pitching to a 1.76 ERA in 49 games. 

Pinto played in just 21 September games, but we can't give the ROY to Chuck Knoblauch because he was a rookie in 1991, and we can't give the ROY to Ernie Fontana because he is an imaginary player, so it's Pinto (.342/.398/.566 in 83 plate appearances).

2013 Team Awards: Cleveland Indians

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Indians. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Jason Kipnis
As a long time fan of Kipnis (say three-ish years), I can't say enough good things about him. So why even bother starting. Terry Francona was a very close second for me. After two World Series Championships and one infamous Popeyes chicken and beer 7-20 September collapse, Francona spent one year killing it as analyst for ESPN before joining the Indians as manager for 2013. The Indians went from 68-94 in 2012 to 92-70 in 2013, including a brief appearance in the one game playoff. While I believe a bad manager makes a bigger difference to a team than a good manager, Francona has to deserve some credit for the turnaround. He's one of the more progressive thinkers as far as managers go and one of the handful of difference makers in the skipper ranks. While I'm back-patting, let's give Francona and his staff credit for polishing a turd into Scott Kazmir 2.0 (two point oh?).

LVP: Lonnie Chisenhall
Chisenhall, like Kipnis, debuted for the Indians in 2011. Chisenhall, like Kipnis, was a top prospect for the Indians in 2011. In fact, Chisenhall was the Indians' top prospect in 2011 according to Baseball America, followed by Alex White and then Kipnis. Chisenhall, unlike Kipnis, has yet to live up to his lofty former ranking. With a 0.5 fWAR, Chisenhall wasn't the worst player on the Indians. This is a team that gave Mark Reynolds 384 plate appearances and over 300 innings at both first base and third base. Reynolds can barely field a clean inning at DH. But Chisenhall hit a paltry .225/.270/.398 in 308 plate appearance and even got shipped to Triple-A for almost a month in mid-May. He just turned 25 in October so I guess there's still time for him to be less-not-so-good.

Cy Young: Justin Masterson
As much fun as it would be to write about Ubaldo Jiminez's big bounce back season or Danny Salazar's electric rookie debut or even challenge myself to write something nice about Scott Kazmir, Masterson was the ace of the staff and turned in a fine performance. His 3.45 ERA and 3.35 FIP were improvements over his 2012 numbers (4.93 and 4.16) but it was his strikeout rate that jumped drastically from 6.94 K/9 in 2012 to 9.09 K/9 in 2013. I doubt the strikeout rate is sustainable but that's why I get fun nicknames like "Debbie Downer" and "Your beard makes you look homeless."

Cy Yuck: Brett Myers
Yes, Chris Perez was awful. According to Fangraphs, Perez was worth -$4.7MM in 2013. Quite the bargain for only $7.3MM. But Perez at least stretched his negative value over 54.0 innings. Brett Myers consolidated his terribleness to three starts and one long relief appearance in April. In those 21.1 innings, Myers gave up 29 hits, five walks, 19 earned runs and 10 home runs. Myers got $7MM of his own which I assume he's already used on Kleenex and therapy. His 2014 club option is probably in jeopardy.

ROY: Yan Gomes
There's no way he can show up on ROY ballots, right? He's not ROY eligible but that hasn't stopped voters before.

ROY: Danny Salazar
Salazar dazzled in his debut striking out seven Blue Jays in 6.0 innings. Then he struck out 10 Tigers in 7.2 innings. He finished with an 11.25 K/9 and 3.16 FIP in 52.0 innings. So, there's some reason for excitement.

Reliever of the Year: Cody Allen
In 70.1 innings, the 24-year-old posted a 2.43 ERA and 2.99 FIP with an 11.26 K/9. With Chris Perez and Vinnie Pestano giving the back of the bullpen a flavorful smell of eggs cooked in hot garbage, Allen is a name for fantasy players to file away. Steamer is already projecting 28 saves for 2014.

2013 Team Awards: Miami Marlins

No, sir, I don't think you understand. My Kung Fu is better. 

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Marlins. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Giancarlo Stanton

From (probably) now until the artist formerly known as Mike Stanton demands that Jeff Loria trades him, we might as well make this spot reserved. His 2.3 fWAR paced the Marlins offense, as did his 135 wRC+ and his .368 wOBA. He didn't get docked any pay this season because he was able to keep his home run balls from breaking the scoreboard. He did however manage to do this:




Watch out, Planet Hoagie. Stanton also took home the award for most scary stare downs as well as best use of Under Armour cold gear in a humid as fuck state. 

2013 Team Awards: Washington Nationals

MVP: Jayson Werth


I think we're ready now.

Mr. Werewolf Jayson Werth is the 2013 Washington Nationals team MVP. He played in just 129 team games and was worth 4.6 fWAR, making that monster contract just a bit more tolerable. That's probably not great news for the Nationals though - there's no way this guy can earn his keep two years straight right? They'll need him to do this again next year, and that's likely a lot to ask because Werth was phenomenal. A .319 average had him amongst league leaders in the category. Add in 25 homers, a .398 on-base, ten bonus steals and you have what would have been a monster year for Werth had he not missed any time.  He was also -9.0 fWAR defensively, so if he could have even been worth a little in the field of play he would have had a truly remarkable season. Still, he was able to beat out the likes of Ian Desmond, Jordan Zimmerman, and Bryce Harper as most valuable Nat. And that's swell!

Now say "Werewolve Werth" ten times without screwing up as fast as you can!

LVP: Adam LaRoche
I watched enough Nationals games in 2013 to become annoyed with LaRoche on a weekly basis. And man was he poor. LaRoche was worth a whopping 0.6 fWAR and was allowed to play in 152 games this past campaign. He delivered to the Nationals a .237/.332/.441 and went home. If you want to know why the Nationals took a step back in 2013, look no further than the drop off of production from this supposed slugging corner infielder. That probably wasn't real when he was a 3.4 fWAR in 2012 but rather a career year. If he could have done roughly half that the Nationals would have made things even more interesting down the stretch.

Cy Young: Jordan Zimmerman
Another one of those guys who will figure just fine into the real National League Cy Young Award race. He won't win it but he should finish top five, and he was easily the Nationals best pitcher in 2013. A 3.6 fWAR producer, the durable right-hander made all 32 of his starts survived despite a subpar K-Rate (6.79 K/9) because the son of a gun knows how to pitch and has impeccable control, evidenced by his 1.69 BB/9. In comparison, Gio Gonzalez walked about two more hitters per nine last season and struggled a little bit to be 'the old Gio'. Comfortably in the middle of those two in both fWAR and BB/9 was the guy who should have been named the Nationals best pitcher if he threw like he had any heart, Stephen Strasburg.

Cy Yuck: Dan Haren
The Nationals owned the rights to $13 million dollar Danny this past season, and what a prize that was to own the deed to.

This was another one of those players entering the season where you just kind of felt like it was disaster waiting to happen - and if you felt that way you were somewhat Nostradamus because Haren was mostly shitty. His 1.5 fWAR tells too little of the story. He actually struck out eight hitters per nine innings which isn't terrible. But 13% of the balls hit in the air off a Haren pitch left the park. That's kind of scary isn't it? And it's even more scary because only 36% of his batted balls were on the ground. Dan Haren is the reason the Nats can't have nice things.

ROY: Tanner Mother F'in Roark
Tanner Roark is the truth. He is both the question, and the answer. He looks like he should be teaching 8th grade science and somehow he goes out and shuts the other team down one quality start at a time. In 14 games he had a fWAR of 1.4 and went 7-1 for the Nationals. A career minor leaguer prior the season, Roark was a huge reason that the Nationals stayed in the race until the late going. I watched him extensively because he was a late season fantasy baseball pick-up. He's one of those guys who; how should I put this, I don't know why Tanner Roark was successful. He looks like your garden variety guy who throws 90-91 MPH with so-so control and he doesn't really have that one phenomenal pitch when he gets in a jam or deep in a count. But the sumbitch just competes! He has guile! He's so cool on the mound that if he had any Columbian blood inside him we could call him 'El Padrino'. I don't know that that means but it is a cool nickname, eh?

He sort of looks like Eric Mathews off Boy Meets World. Sort of.

Reliever of the Year: Tyler Clippard
Man this is some slim pickings, but I guess Clippard takes home the prized hardware. Goggles McClippard was a solid set-up man for the Nationals who managed not to fuck things up too many times while the game was graced with his lanky presence. We won't go into fWAR because he wasn't worth all that much. None of these guys were, really. I was told the entire season came and went and the Nationals bullpen was not offered one free drink in the state of Maryland all year! True story. Something has gone terribly wrong when that happens. Clippard's numbers of note: 9.25 K/9, .170 BABIP (lucky SOB), nice little 2.41 ERA, and 154 mixed drinks paid for in-full. You think that's bad, Drew Storen was spending so much money on his booze that he quit drinking!

2013 Team Awards: Houston Astros

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Houston Astros. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Harold "Nachos" McGinley

McGinley, who was signed out of the Uruguay Professional Baseball League (UPBL), hit 35 home runs and played gold glove defense at third base. His WAR of 6.4 was more than four runs better than Houston's second-best player Koo Koo Alvarez. McGinley also drove the team shuttle to-and-from games during a home stand May 2-12 while the team's regular driver Elton Wolliver appeared on the  reality TV show Online Bowling With The Stars.

LVP: Manager Byron Klaus

Klaus had a rough first season in Houston, and his team's last-place finish wasn't the worst of it. Klaus made a number of questionable decisions, including several games writing out his lineup on pieces of wheat bread; refusing to use a shortstop for the entire month of April; being suspended for a May series against the Royals for trying to trade his jersey and hat to an umpire for some strike calls for a Houston pitcher; pouring over three gallons of mayonnaise into the visiting team's on-deck circle and then claiming the team asked him to do it; and sending a hippopotamus to the mound to take the ball from a starting pitcher in a July game.

Cy Young: Itchy Ears Bannister

The 44-year old was one of the lone bright spots on the Houston pitching staff as he pitched to a 3.34 ERA and was third in the league in strikeouts with 220. He did take a leave of absence from the team in mid-September to spend more time with his family, though it was later revealed that Bannister meant his family of bullfrogs.

Cy Yuck: Ernie Maddux

Claiming to be the son of Greg Maddux, the southpaw was a non-roster invitee to spring training, but allowed 14 earned runs in just three spring innings and was cut after being treated to lunch at a Chevron gas station.

Most memorable moment came in his second spring appearance when he rode his bicycle out to the mound before the top of the first inning.

ROY: Paul Reynolds

The quirky Reynolds had many superstitions, most notably not being able to come to the plate unless he was wearing his lucky koala bear mask and not being able to take batting practice until he had brushed his cat, Murray's teeth for exactly two minutes 25 seconds. Hit .280 with a team-high 28 doubles.

Reliever of the Year: James DaVanon

Son of former Astro Jerry DaVanon, the right-hander was suspended for the last 50 games of the season after testing positive for performance-enhancing giraffe ears, but still had a 1.40 ERA in 58 innings as the team's set-up man.

Was named to the AL all-star team and struck out Kent Hrbek on three pitches on RBI Baseball in the clubhouse during the sixth inning of the game.

2013 Team Awards: New York Yankees

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the New York Yankees. *Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*


MVP: Robinson Cano

Cano, who collected a 7.6 WAR and put together a slash line of .314/.383/.516, was the Yankees' best player in 2013 and it wasn't even close. The team's second and third-best players were probably Brett Gardner, who is Brett Gardner, and Alfonso Soriano, who played in just 58 games.

Joba Chamberlain was the team's 813th-best player.

LVP: Tie: The people who put together the roster, Phil Hughes.

After the 2012 season ended, the Yankees put together a shopping list of needs for the '13 season. Unfortunately, they stole 165th Street Ricky's cart and did their shopping at an abandoned A&P. They inexplicably gave Ichiro Suzuki a two-year contract and kindly asked if he wouldn't mind making 555 plate appearances and putting together a .262/.297/.342 slash line while making $6.5 million in year one of the contract. He accepted the offer.

The Yankees also allowed Vernon Wells to come to the plate 458 times, Chris Stewart 340 times and Jayson Nix 303 times. That's 1,656 trips to the plate for a quartet of players that deserved to hit a total of once all season (seventh-inning double by Stewart in a late-August game against the Bluejays).

Also, the team thought Travis Hafner could be the regular DH, but after a fantastic April, funeral services for Hafner's hitting ability were held June 7.

Injuries didn't help - Mark Teixeira played in only 15 games, Derek Jeter in 17 games, Alex Rodriguez in 44 and Curtis Granderson got into just 61 games. Plus, Kevin Youkilis, who hilariously was expected to stay healthy for close to a full season even though he hadn't done that in five years, played in only 28 games.

And that's not even the Yankees' least most valuable player as Phil Hughes gave new meaning to the phrase "see that guy out there? I hate him".

The organization's one-time top pitching prospect, who is expected to finally reach his potential in 2037, flumbderd (adj.: to pitch like Phil Hughes) his way to a 5.19 ERA in 29 starts. Hughes also led the league in the following categories:

* Confused look-arounds (CLA) - 237

* On-mound sneezes - 13
* Starts against the Seattle Mariners of less than one inning and seven or more earned runs allowed  - 1

Plus, Hughes led the league in cumulative unable-tos (CUT) with 86:

- unable to put away journeymen middle infielders -26
- unable to throw anything but a flat fastball right down the middle of the plate - 59
- unable to escape the mouth of a hungry Joba Chamberlain - 1

Cy Young: Huroki Kuroda

As late as the early part of August Kuroda was considered one of the top candidates for the AL Cy Young, and after a July 31 start in which he shut out the Dodgers over seven innings, Kuroda's ERA was 2.38 and he had allowed two earned runs in 33 July innings. The right-hander seemed to wear down in August and September, but a season ERA of 3.31 and 3 1/2 times as many strikeouts as walks is very good for what was probably Kuroda's last in pinstripes.

Cy Yuck: CC Sabathia

Sabathia shockingly went from an ace and three top-5 Cy Young finishes in his first five years with the team to one of the league's worst starting pitchers in 2013, posting an ERA that was a run and a half higher than in '12 and giving up 28 home runs in 32 mostly-forgettable starts. Well, that's not entirely correct. I'm actually having a difficult time forgetting any of them.

ROY: Adam Warren

Warren turned out to be a dependable pitcher for the Yankees in 2013, compiling a 3.39 ERA in 77 pretty good innings. He came out of the bullpen in 32 games and started twice, including picking up a victory over Houston to start a three-game sweep in the final regular season series. People are still talking about that series at Minute Maid Park, mainly because another Yankees rookie, outfielder Zoilo Almonte, won't leave the field.

Reliever of the Year: Mariano Rivera

While one of my favorite all-time Yankees had another excellent season, I thought the timing was perfect for his retirement. At certain points in 2013 Rivera seemed like a real human boy with feelings, but despite a few hiccups - at one point in early-August he blew three consecutive save opportunities - Rivera still ended his final season with a 2.11 ERA and a 1.04 WHIP in 60 games coming off major surgery.

I think he's a lock for his hometown Panama City's hall of fame.

2013 Team Awards: Los Angeles Dodgers

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Los Angeles Dodgers. *Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Yasiel Puig
In his rookie season, Yasiel Puig was off the page phenomenal. Many scouting reports and scouts alike said Puig was to be considered an average to above average prospect. Nearly from the onset, the 'Wild Horse' seemed to provide an intangible spark that turned the Dodgers season from Titanic to Cuban cruise ship. Puig posted a 4.0 fWAR (Fangraphs Wins Above Replacement) in just 104 games played. As evidenced by his .319/.391/.534 slash line, it was obvious to those that spent late nights tuning into Puigmania that this kid has the chance to be something other-worldly. The first two months of his big league season provided a season's worth of signature moments. Puig was one of those rare players who left you wanting more when his season ended - and it was more exciting at times seeing him strike out or make an error than it was seeing others play the game fundamentally perfect. When you think of the Dodgers 2013 season you will forever think of Yasiel Puig. Or perhaps you will think of something else. But I name the young Cuban sensation the team MVP in 2013.

LVP: Matt Kemp
Matt Kemp made $20.25 million dollars in 2013, and he provided a -0.4 fWAR. Then Kemp hurt his shoulder. Then he hurt his hamstring. Then the final pin was stuck in the Matt Kemp voodoo doll when he hurt his ankle and was done for the year. Dodgers fans spent much of the season waiting for the return of a mythological figure - but that figure was more Hyperion than Zeus. Kemp hit .270, slugged .395, and posted a meager .150 ISO. His future as a Dodger is now in question, with the one reason Kemp remains a Dodger being that albatross of a salary.

Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw
Who else would it be? Kershaw had arguably his finest season as a big league player in his age 25 season posting a 1.83 ERA and 6.5 fWAR. Any time that the guy could win the award league-wide, it should make for a pretty easy write-up in this space. Kershaw is about to become a very rich man. Don't be surprised if he has $300 million in his near future and signs a lifetime contract with the Dodgers. And right on cue, Kershaw was named the top NL pitcher by his peers. These guys are no dummies.

Cy Yuck: Brandon League
Before I even saw the numbers, I wanted to include Mr. League right here. And then I saw that he ranked lowest among Dodgers pitchers in fWAR (-1.0) and yup, he's going where I had him slotted. After 14 indigestion inducing saves, League relinquished the closer's role to Kenley Jansen shortly after the season's first month. Despite how our editor-in-chief in these parts (M.J.) feels about the save as a whole - I wouldn't trust this guy to effectively build a Whopper sandwich - let alone record the three most important outs of a ballgame. League's 4.64 K/9 and 5.30 ERA would find a way to screw things up. League is one of those guys who reminds you that a guy can have phenomenal stuff and pass the eye test and still be entirely horrible. Thank goodness that bearded man arrived later in the season to bring peace to the late innings in Dodgerland.

ROY: That Puig guy again
I don't need to say a whole lot more than I said when I named him team MVP. I just need to post his first big league bat flip:

Reliever of the Year: Kenley Jansen
I love me some Kenley Jansen. I love him so much I am considering keeping him in my fantasy baseball league over the likes of teammate Hyun-Jin Ryu and Patrick Corbin. That's completely stupid, but I feel that he'll be one of fantasy (and real baseball's!) most valuable relievers over the next few seasons. Jansen was dominant, posting a 13.03 K/9 and posting a 1.88 ERA. When you see him take the mound and the Dodgers are wearing white, it's a matter of minutes until you're hearing 'I Love L.A.' by that guy who sung the songs in the Toy Story movies, Randy Newman. It's one of the coolest baseball victory traditions in existence, all made possible by the dominant closer and the fact that the Dodgers won a lot of baseball games in 2013. People were talking about his dominant fastball back in 2011. This past year he threw it almost ten percent more of the time (94.1%) than back in those days. Let me check.... yep... it's still dominant.

2013 Team Awards: Los Angeles Angels

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Angels. *Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Mike Trout
Last year, Trout posted a 10.0 fWAR (Fangraphs Wins Above Replacement) which was 4.8 wins more than the next closest Angel, Torii Hunter. In 2013, Trout put up an even more ridiculous 10.4 fWAR good for 7.7 more wins than second place Howie Kendrick. Trout is the best player on the Angels and in baseball and should win every award from AL MVP to an MTV Video Music Award (highlights set to music) to both a daytime and nighttime Emmy (brilliance during televised games). He'll likely have to settle for the majority of Player of The Year awards handed out around the Internets including mine featuring a trophy made out of various kitchen appliances and cat hair.

LVP: The Angels Braintrust
It's unfair to squarely point the finger of shame at Jerry Dipoto and his front office without knowing how much influence Mike Scioscia still has and how much overruling is done by Arte Moreno. But for the second straight year, the Angels added one of the biggest and worst contracts of free agency to their payroll by signing the woefully underperforming Josh Hamilton. That move killed flexibility and cost the Angels a first round draft pick their shallow farm system desperately needed. Joe Blanton and Tommy Hanson were more punchline than answer to the rotation question.

Cy Young: CJ Wilson
Wilson had a fine season with a 3.51 FIP over 212.1 innings. So, at least, he's been a workhorse since joining the Angels. I wanted to make a case for Garrett Richards who posted a 3.61 FIP of his own over 103.1 innings as a starter. Richards also increased his GB% all the way up to 57.9 and hopefully he'll start missing more bats with his heater next season when he's guaranteed a rotation spot.

Cy Yuck: Joe Blanton
How bad was Blanton in 2013? Roughly the equivalent of treating food poisoning with a gallon of Mexico's finest Montezuma cursed water. Blanton's 6.04 ERA was the worst among pitchers with 100 innings pitched. Jason Marquis, Dylan Axelrod, Lucas Harrell and Scott Diamond were the only pitchers who managed to fielding-independently-pitch worse than Blanton's 5.12 FIP. I wonder how much Arby's shame eating Blanton has endured this young offseason.

ROY: Kole Calhoun
Red headed and left handed. If it was the 1920's, he would have been sold off to a traveling freak show. Instead, he hit .282/.347/.462 in 222 plate appearances. Calhoun had the second best OBP, SLG, wOBA and wRC+ on the team after that Trout guy. While JB Shuck received more playing time and rookie fanfare, it's Calhoun who might have a shot at being an average major league outfielder. Calhoun is no Gold Glover in the outfield but he has more of a general idea of what to do with a glove than Shuck who I'm pretty sure wore his as a hat for more than one inning.

Reliever of the Year: Michael Roth
The Angels bullpen wasn't great in 2013. In fact, only the Yankees, Mets, Phillies, Cubs and Astros had stats worse than the Angels' 3.90 FIP. I was tempted to give Reliever of the Year to David Carpenter since he only spent a third of an inning in the bullpen but his 108.00 ERA prevented that. Dane de la Rosa was the best of the bunch but his 1.1 fWAR would make him around the 34th best reliever in baseball according to WAR. Roth gets my vote for being a quick mover (drafted in the 9th round in 2012) and posting a 2.15 FIP. Of course, he had a 5.94 ERA over those 16.2 relief innings so it's not exactly a ringing endorsement either. It deeply saddens me to hope Brian Wilson's beard occupies this spot next year.