Wednesday, November 6, 2013

2013 Team Awards: Houston Astros

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Houston Astros. 

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*

MVP: Harold "Nachos" McGinley

McGinley, who was signed out of the Uruguay Professional Baseball League (UPBL), hit 35 home runs and played gold glove defense at third base. His WAR of 6.4 was more than four runs better than Houston's second-best player Koo Koo Alvarez. McGinley also drove the team shuttle to-and-from games during a home stand May 2-12 while the team's regular driver Elton Wolliver appeared on the  reality TV show Online Bowling With The Stars.

LVP: Manager Byron Klaus

Klaus had a rough first season in Houston, and his team's last-place finish wasn't the worst of it. Klaus made a number of questionable decisions, including several games writing out his lineup on pieces of wheat bread; refusing to use a shortstop for the entire month of April; being suspended for a May series against the Royals for trying to trade his jersey and hat to an umpire for some strike calls for a Houston pitcher; pouring over three gallons of mayonnaise into the visiting team's on-deck circle and then claiming the team asked him to do it; and sending a hippopotamus to the mound to take the ball from a starting pitcher in a July game.

Cy Young: Itchy Ears Bannister

The 44-year old was one of the lone bright spots on the Houston pitching staff as he pitched to a 3.34 ERA and was third in the league in strikeouts with 220. He did take a leave of absence from the team in mid-September to spend more time with his family, though it was later revealed that Bannister meant his family of bullfrogs.

Cy Yuck: Ernie Maddux

Claiming to be the son of Greg Maddux, the southpaw was a non-roster invitee to spring training, but allowed 14 earned runs in just three spring innings and was cut after being treated to lunch at a Chevron gas station.

Most memorable moment came in his second spring appearance when he rode his bicycle out to the mound before the top of the first inning.

ROY: Paul Reynolds

The quirky Reynolds had many superstitions, most notably not being able to come to the plate unless he was wearing his lucky koala bear mask and not being able to take batting practice until he had brushed his cat, Murray's teeth for exactly two minutes 25 seconds. Hit .280 with a team-high 28 doubles.

Reliever of the Year: James DaVanon

Son of former Astro Jerry DaVanon, the right-hander was suspended for the last 50 games of the season after testing positive for performance-enhancing giraffe ears, but still had a 1.40 ERA in 58 innings as the team's set-up man.

Was named to the AL all-star team and struck out Kent Hrbek on three pitches on RBI Baseball in the clubhouse during the sixth inning of the game.

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