With the news that 50-year old Howard Johnson was coming out of retirement to play for the Rockland Boulders of the Independent Can-Am League, the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League, led by player-manager Jose Canseco, are expected to make a move.
Offbase received an official transcript from inside the Scorpions war room where Canseco, his brother Ozzie, a photograph of Robert Redford and an imaginary canary named Bernie were meeting to discuss a counter move to the Boulders' signing of Johnson.
[6:51 p.m. MST]
Jose - OK. Listen, Rockland got Johnson. What do we do?
Ozzie - Is....
Jose (interrupting) - Wait, shut up! Is Tom Brunansky available?
Ozzie, speaking as the photograph of Robert Redford - Last I heard he was playing for the Covington Sparrows.
Jose - What league do they play in?
Ozzie/Redford photo - I made them up.
Jose - OK, photo of Robert Redford, could you please step outside the room for five minutes?
[Ozzie places photo on the floor outside the door. Closes door.]
Thank you.
Ozzie - Wait a minute, I think I've got it: Alou.
Jose - Moises?! That's great. He could play left field and...
Ozzie (interrupting) - No, Felipe Alou.
Jose - Felipe. (thinking). Let's send a scout to wherever he's playing tomorrow night.
Ozzie - Well, he retired in 1974, but I think if we tell him about all Yuma has to offer, he'd be up for taking a pay cut to be the fourth outfielder.
Jose - What does Yuma have to offer?
Ozzie - That Chinese restaurant that gives you extra orange slices.
Jose - OK, good. Who else?
Ozzie - F.P. Santangelo?
[Everyone laughs]
Jose - Seriously, though: any other suggestions?
Bernie the canary (whispering in Jose's ear) - What about Howard Johnson?
Jose - I like it, I like it a lot. Is he signed with anyone?
Ozzie - Rumor is he signed with the Rockland Boulders.
Jose - What if we try to lure Johnson away from Rockland?
Ozzie - Well, he signed with the team mainly so he could play with his son.
Jose - OK, so we tell Johnson that his son actually plays for Yuma. Then we get the son AND we get Howard Johnson!
Ozzie/Redford photo - Maybe the team is fine the way it is.
Jose - That's it, photograph of Robert Redford, you're on the bench tonight!
Editor's note: Bernie the canary flew out of an open window, Jose canceled batting practice and then tried to hail a taxi to the sun.
[Transcript ends.]
Showing posts with label ozzie canseco. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ozzie canseco. Show all posts
Friday, September 2, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Editor's Meeting
MTD lives in New Orleans and Derwood built a cabin out of sticks and mud in Conyers, Georgia, so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's the latest back-and-forth entitled "All the Joses of our Lives".
MTD (3:34 p.m. EST): So, Jose Bautista. Man, Superman, or a figment of my imagination? I have Joey Bats as the fourth-greatest hitter of all time. But I'm delusional.
Derwood Morris (3:38): Fourth of all time is Darrin Erstad. Hmmm....Bautista? Not sure. He's like me but with talent and another foot of height. But I have a salami sandwich.
MTD (3:44): Yeah, aside from the talent and the sandwich, you guys are nearly identical. But he's having a Bondsian season; better than last year. He makes Corey Patterson a better hitter.
DM (3:48): He makes Corey Patterson a better hitter. OK, just had to type it out once myself. In a recent game against the Yankees, the Nos. 4 and 5 hitters behind Bautista in the Toronto lineup were Juan Rivera and Jose Molina. Funny thing was, that's the same two guys who were on registers 4 and 5 at the Ingles by my apartment last winter.
MTD (3:56): I knew that was Juan Rivera working register 5. He consistently missed the scanner.
DM (4:01): And then he slipped and fell trying to pick up an orange he had dropped. But enough about how much we dislike Juan Rivera/Ingles. Jose and Ozzie both injured in the first doubleheader of the season for Yuma. Thoughts?
MTD (4:04): First thought: how did it take this long to talk about it. Secondly, why can't I pay to get Yuma games on TV? Ozzie got thrown out of their third game for yelling at an ump Jose was yelling at. I love them.
DM (4:09): To paraphrase Kids in the Hall character Jerry Sizzler: but I love them. I mean, Ozzie got thrown out for Jose's arguing? These guys can't do anything right.
MTD (4:14): Or do they do everything right? Jose, via Twitter, said he was with a bunch of players on some street and invited girls to come party. That's a good manager.
DM (4:18): He was on some street and invited girls to come party. Translation: they were wandering around in the Yuma suburbs and they found a mother/daughter who recognized Jose as "the guy from the energy bar commercial on the public access channel", they all went to a Golden Corral and ate a lot of macaroni and cheese, then went back to the hotel and Jose and Ozzie butchered an Abbot and Costello routine while the ladies did each other's hair.
MTD (3:34 p.m. EST): So, Jose Bautista. Man, Superman, or a figment of my imagination? I have Joey Bats as the fourth-greatest hitter of all time. But I'm delusional.
Derwood Morris (3:38): Fourth of all time is Darrin Erstad. Hmmm....Bautista? Not sure. He's like me but with talent and another foot of height. But I have a salami sandwich.
MTD (3:44): Yeah, aside from the talent and the sandwich, you guys are nearly identical. But he's having a Bondsian season; better than last year. He makes Corey Patterson a better hitter.
DM (3:48): He makes Corey Patterson a better hitter. OK, just had to type it out once myself. In a recent game against the Yankees, the Nos. 4 and 5 hitters behind Bautista in the Toronto lineup were Juan Rivera and Jose Molina. Funny thing was, that's the same two guys who were on registers 4 and 5 at the Ingles by my apartment last winter.
MTD (3:56): I knew that was Juan Rivera working register 5. He consistently missed the scanner.
DM (4:01): And then he slipped and fell trying to pick up an orange he had dropped. But enough about how much we dislike Juan Rivera/Ingles. Jose and Ozzie both injured in the first doubleheader of the season for Yuma. Thoughts?
MTD (4:04): First thought: how did it take this long to talk about it. Secondly, why can't I pay to get Yuma games on TV? Ozzie got thrown out of their third game for yelling at an ump Jose was yelling at. I love them.
DM (4:09): To paraphrase Kids in the Hall character Jerry Sizzler: but I love them. I mean, Ozzie got thrown out for Jose's arguing? These guys can't do anything right.
MTD (4:14): Or do they do everything right? Jose, via Twitter, said he was with a bunch of players on some street and invited girls to come party. That's a good manager.
DM (4:18): He was on some street and invited girls to come party. Translation: they were wandering around in the Yuma suburbs and they found a mother/daughter who recognized Jose as "the guy from the energy bar commercial on the public access channel", they all went to a Golden Corral and ate a lot of macaroni and cheese, then went back to the hotel and Jose and Ozzie butchered an Abbot and Costello routine while the ladies did each other's hair.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Canseco-Scorpions Experience Off To A Strange/Hilarious Start
Jose and Ozzie Canseco made their Yuma Scorpions debut Tuesday in a doubleheader against the Calgary Vipers, and the calamities which followed could only be described as exactly what everyone expected.
Ozzie, who famously singled off Bruce Hurst in 1992, strained his quadriceps in the fifth inning of game one trying to beat out an infield hit.
"I was just hustling down the line," Ozzie said. "Just wanted to make sure I made a good example in terms of hustling on a ground ball."
The Cansecos: setting good examples since the fifth inning of Tuesday's game.
Of course, a game in which Ozzie Canseco gets hurt would not be complete without Jose Canseco also getting hurt. Jose left game two with a biceps strain, presumably from swatting away the talking butterfly circling his head.
"We'll see how it is tomorrow," Jose said. "It felt like a sharp knife went in there or something. Hopefully it's a bad strain or a pull."
Hopefully.
Jose and his coaching staff-a clipboard named "Clippy" and a drawing of a hippo-also made an error before the games even started, forgetting to write pitcher J.J. Leaper's name on the lineup card. When Canseco tried to put Leaper in the game in the fourth inning, umpires pulled Canseco's pants down and sprayed him with a mayonnaise hose. Well, actually that's what I would've done if I was the umpire. The real umpire ruled Leaper ineligible to pitch.
"I was in shock, saying, 'OK, this can't be happening,'" said Jose. "Hopefully, this doesn't happen again."
Hopefully it does.
Ozzie, who famously singled off Bruce Hurst in 1992, strained his quadriceps in the fifth inning of game one trying to beat out an infield hit.
"I was just hustling down the line," Ozzie said. "Just wanted to make sure I made a good example in terms of hustling on a ground ball."
The Cansecos: setting good examples since the fifth inning of Tuesday's game.
Of course, a game in which Ozzie Canseco gets hurt would not be complete without Jose Canseco also getting hurt. Jose left game two with a biceps strain, presumably from swatting away the talking butterfly circling his head.
"We'll see how it is tomorrow," Jose said. "It felt like a sharp knife went in there or something. Hopefully it's a bad strain or a pull."
Hopefully.
Jose and his coaching staff-a clipboard named "Clippy" and a drawing of a hippo-also made an error before the games even started, forgetting to write pitcher J.J. Leaper's name on the lineup card. When Canseco tried to put Leaper in the game in the fourth inning, umpires pulled Canseco's pants down and sprayed him with a mayonnaise hose. Well, actually that's what I would've done if I was the umpire. The real umpire ruled Leaper ineligible to pitch.
"I was in shock, saying, 'OK, this can't be happening,'" said Jose. "Hopefully, this doesn't happen again."
Hopefully it does.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Editors Meeting
Derwood lives near the other four places you don't want to visit in Georgia and MTD "lives" in "New Orleans", so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's their recent conversation.
[Began February 14, 11:21 p.m.]
MTD - Jose Canseco's baseball reference page costs $135 to sponsor. But for $135, he'd probably come play wiffle ball with us.
Derwood - For $135? He'd leave us a few hangers out over the plate, then buy us Steak N Shake afterwards and pave the driveway.
MTD - I'm going to try to track down his representation. Where'd you say that mailbox he and Ozzie talk to is located?
Derwood - Take a right at Ozzie Canseco's pet raccoon.
MTD - Gotcha. Just before the well they think the Goonies live in?
Derwood - Just before the well they think Oddibe McDowell lives in.
MTD - McDowell? OK. Well, I hear Ozzie is really cleaning up on his mesh shirt line after Jose wore it on his last book tour.
Derwood - I don't want to see Ozzie Guillen in mesh anything.
MTD - I thought we were making fun of Ozzie Canseco. It works either way.
Derwood - For some reason I had a terrible vision of Ozzie Guillen in a mesh shirt. But if I was forced to choose to see someone in mesh, Ozzie Canseco or Ozzie Guillen, I'm going Canseco.
MTD - We need to change the subject. We shouldn't have to see any of those people in anything, let alone mesh.
Derwood - Change the subject? OK. So, Cano is better than Utley, right?
MTD - Let's go back to Ozzies wearing mesh...
Derwood - This needs to be the last time we talk about men in mesh...I know it's technically still Valentine's Day, so you and Utley's relationship is a sore subject, especially since he doesn't know about it.
MTD - My relationship with him is only between us, several attorneys and a Pennsylvania judge.
Derwood - First, put the ocean sounds cd on and put a cool rag on your forehead. And if you're going to lob pebbles at Utley's bedroom window, just make sure you have both pant legs on this time.
MTD - That was indeed a poor decision on my part. Next time, I plan on just bringing a boom box and a sweet mix tape.
Derwood - Anything with Bryan Adams should get that restraining order reduced to 150 feet.
[Began February 14, 11:21 p.m.]
MTD - Jose Canseco's baseball reference page costs $135 to sponsor. But for $135, he'd probably come play wiffle ball with us.
Derwood - For $135? He'd leave us a few hangers out over the plate, then buy us Steak N Shake afterwards and pave the driveway.
MTD - I'm going to try to track down his representation. Where'd you say that mailbox he and Ozzie talk to is located?
Derwood - Take a right at Ozzie Canseco's pet raccoon.
MTD - Gotcha. Just before the well they think the Goonies live in?
Derwood - Just before the well they think Oddibe McDowell lives in.
MTD - McDowell? OK. Well, I hear Ozzie is really cleaning up on his mesh shirt line after Jose wore it on his last book tour.
Derwood - I don't want to see Ozzie Guillen in mesh anything.
MTD - I thought we were making fun of Ozzie Canseco. It works either way.
Derwood - For some reason I had a terrible vision of Ozzie Guillen in a mesh shirt. But if I was forced to choose to see someone in mesh, Ozzie Canseco or Ozzie Guillen, I'm going Canseco.
MTD - We need to change the subject. We shouldn't have to see any of those people in anything, let alone mesh.
Derwood - Change the subject? OK. So, Cano is better than Utley, right?
MTD - Let's go back to Ozzies wearing mesh...
Derwood - This needs to be the last time we talk about men in mesh...I know it's technically still Valentine's Day, so you and Utley's relationship is a sore subject, especially since he doesn't know about it.
MTD - My relationship with him is only between us, several attorneys and a Pennsylvania judge.
Derwood - First, put the ocean sounds cd on and put a cool rag on your forehead. And if you're going to lob pebbles at Utley's bedroom window, just make sure you have both pant legs on this time.
MTD - That was indeed a poor decision on my part. Next time, I plan on just bringing a boom box and a sweet mix tape.
Derwood - Anything with Bryan Adams should get that restraining order reduced to 150 feet.
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