MLB withdrawal: a guest post

The following is a guest post by WH, who holds the dual distinction of A. being at Yankee Stadium for game 4 of the 2001 World Series and nearly passing away during Tino Martinez's game-tying, ninth-inning home run, and B. starting and maintaining a game-long, stadium-wide "Let's Go Yankees" chant during a road game at Turner Field in Atlanta in 2009. 

We call this piece Fever Dreams About Mike Tauchman.



Day four without Major League Baseball and I've already gone through a wide range of emotions. I almost cried on Thursday (March 26) when I realized that I would not be watching opening day games; Friday, I was blaming the global pandemic for letting the Astros off the hook for their cheating scandal. By Saturday I was spending an hour showing my newborn son Youtube clips of sweet swinging lefties from my youth. 

Which brings us to Monday, March 30.

I woke up this morning so confused, but it seemed so real. I had a dream I was sitting in the outfield bleachers at the Stadium watching my beloved Yankees playing in a game (opponent not important). For some ungodly reason, Mike Tauchman was in center field and I was heckling him for his terrible batting average, (he was hitting .080 before all spring training games were cancelled) and the fact that he is stealing playing time from my favorite current Yankee, Clint Frazier. 

As the game is progressing he hears my heckling but has yet to respond to my lunacy. Then the inevitable happens: Tauchman misplays a ball in center and I let him have it. Still no response on his part. The next half inning he comes to the plate with runners on first and second and rips a double down the line scoring both runners. We take the lead. This is still not enough to earn my admiration. I am still yelling nonsense at Tauchman. His next at bat, he crushes a home run to right. So now he's 2-for-3 with 3 RBIs.

As he's tossing warmup throws before the next half-inning, he looks up at me and says "that one was for you." I retaliate with "I'm never going to stop heckling you!", and he looks me dead in the eyes and says "Please don't, I thrive on it."

Sure, Dream Mike Tauchman finally came through, but its been just four days without baseball and already my own brain is turning on me. I am terrified to see how far this will go, but who knows, in a few weeks I will probably have some weird nightmare where me, Nick Swisher and Don Mattingly are in some kind of crazy Tiger King-type of polygamous relationship.

Strap in folks, its going be a long, wild, horrifying ride without MLB for the foreseeable future.

We Forgot To Congratulate Mariano Rivera

On behalf of the entire breaking-news-staff at Off Base, I'd like to congratulate Mariano Rivera for breaking the all-time saves record. This monumental event took place on Monday against the hapless Twins when he recorded his 602nd save but we're just getting around to it today. Frankly, I've just been swamped trying to catch up on all these naps. Our resident Yankees fan, Derwood, wanted to write a heart-warming post about it but he threw a ticker tape party in his apartment and has spent the past few days trying to find his cat under the mounds of shredded Chinese food menus.

I'm not a fan of the saves stat because, well, it's ridiculous and promotes poor bullpen management but I'm not trying to take anything away from Mo. He's the greatest closer of all time and should own the record. It's about time somebody started talking about him.

My favorite part about Mo setting the record was something I, of course, gleamed from Twitter. The Yankees were on the verge of taking the save opportunity away from Rivera but Nick Swisher came to the rescue and hit into a double play. Luckily, Yahoo's David Brown was watching the post game interview...

I didn't bother to check for video evidence of this statement because I wanted it to be true and Dave assured me anyway...

See? I have been burned by people on Twitter before though. I gave that guy who sent me a tweet about a free ipad my social security number and now I steal wi-fi from the coffee shop next to the alley I live in.

I respect the hell out of Rivera. But if he intentionally poked fun at the saves record he broke, he's entering a Fonzie-esque level of cool. *hits juke box* Saaaaaayyyyyyves. That was awful. Apologies all the way around.

Not A-Rod and Cameron Diaz Too!?!

Never to be outdone by teammate/nemesis Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez and his actress girlfriend, Cameron Diaz, have apparently split up too. Earlier this season, Jeter and Minka Kelly (Lyla Garrity of Friday Night Lights, hot chick in the new Charlie's Angels) called it quits after three years. So it only made sense for A-Rod and Diaz to also break it off...

The couple, who began dating in February of last year, rarely spoke publicly about their romance, but was never shy when it came to being photographed on their many beach getaways and intense workouts together.

So what happened? A source told Us that the pair's work ethic was to blame.

Diaz, I assume, is hard at work being goofy on talk shows and trying to not be so rough looking. Actually, IMDB says she has 2012 movies Gambit (nothing to do with the awesome Cajun X-man) and What to Expect When You're Expecting coming out in 2012.

Rodriguez has battled injuries this season and has a .284/.367/.475 line in 390 plate appearances. He was having his best defensive year at third base with a 10.8 UZR but it's hard to trust one outlying season after six years in the red. The split should allow him to focus on getting healthy for the post season and finding a more man-ish looking buff blond lady friend.

Aww, they'll always have popcorn in Dallas.

Curveballs for Jobu 8/19/11

Curveballs for Jobu is the trip around the ballparks that Offbasepercentage keeps forgetting to take.

Today's honorary bat boy is Brook Fordyce.




Jobu last appeared on June 29, when candy was only five cents and the Astros had Mike Scott. Since that time, MTD has been on a journey trying to discover the true meaning of the third day after Christmas, while Derwood took up work as a traveling air guitar salesman.


Yankees 8, Twins 4. My first Jobu since May 3 and of course we lead off with the Yankees. But this game was more about the Twins. It's been an interesting year for Minnesota, for hilarious reasons: Carl Pavano stinks, and for historic reasons: James Thome recently hit his 600th home run. But Thursday may have been the most bizarre day of the season for the Hrbeks. Minnesota came to the park with no bench, and that's not me trying to make fun of the caliber of players on the bench, or suggesting that the players were forced to stand all game. The Twins did not have anyone available on the bench: Michael Cuddyer (neck), Denard Span (concussion symptoms), and Matt Tolbert (?) were all banged up with injuries and didn't play, Jason Kubel was away from the team for family reasons, and a person named Luke Hughes missed his flight from Triple-A Rochester because HE WAS AT THE WRONG GATE. That's like the time when I was supposed to fly to New York for a family reunion, but was at the wrong airport. It's not that Uncle Ralph was mad, he was just disappointed. Anyway, Hughes arrived just in time to strike out on three pitches in the ninth, and New York stayed a half game up on Boston in the AL East.

Dodgers 5, Brewers 1. How do you slow down a red-hot team? Let Rod Barajas playa hate. The LA catcher hit a solo home run in the second to get the Barajas (new word for "party") started and the Dodgers never trailed in preventing Milwaukee from completing a 7-0 home stand. Clayton Kershaw was pretty good, too, tossing eight shut out innings in winning his 15th game.

Nationals 3, Reds 1. Now, I've been away for quite a while, but I think I may know what's wrong with the Reds: Miguel Cairo is batting fifth. Anyway, Thursday belonged to Jesus Flores, who homered for the first time since May 8, 2009. You know who else homered that day? Chris Coste.

Indians 4, Whitesox 2. The return of KenHarrelsonVoice™!

"Well, the good guys came into Thursday's game hoping to pick up a half-sandwich on the idle Tiggers. Sox got a little bingo from Pauly in the third, you can put it on the boarrrrrd, yes! Attaboy Pauly. But the Tribe came right back with two in the fourth against Zach Stewart. Stewsie left one out over the plate and Matt Laporta put it on the boarrrrrd, no. Our Sox threatened in a couple innings, but couldn't push any peas across the dish. The good guys did strike out 13 bad guys: Jason Donald in the first, he gone! Shin-Soo Choo in the second, he gone! Carlos Santana in the ninth, he gone! Wimpy's pick to click, Juan Pierre, went 1-for-5."

Braves 1, Giants 0. Mike Minor (6 IP, 4 H, 9 K) and three relievers combined on a five-hitter as Atlanta won on Paul Runge bobblehead night.

Bluejays 7, Athletics 0. Actual announced attendance: 14.




Other games, but down here...

Padres 3, Marlins 1
Angels 2, Rangers 1
Phillies 4, Diamondbacks 1
Redsox 4, Royals 3

Jose Cano Is Not A Good Pitcher

Robinson Cano blasted his way past Adrian Gonzalez Monday night to capture the 2011 Home Run Derby crown. It was quite the show. Cano hit a record breaking 12 home runs in the final round including the 472-foot winner with four outs to go. Some writers suggested this was Cano's coming out party or whatnot. Although I thought Cano was a long shot to win, it's not like he's been flying under the radar. Cano is a Yankee after all and has had an ISO over .200 for the past two seasons and .199 in 2009. I don't think a Home Run Derby championship was needed to get a 25-30 home run per season second baseman playing in New York some attention.

The other angle played up in every post/article/conversation about Cano's victory is, of course, that he had his father pitching to him during the competition. Jose Cano surrendered home run after home run to his son. I would have preferred to see Jose throw one high and inside just to remind Robbie who's the boss (it was Angela) but what do I know about parenting. The closest I've come is using my 4-year-old nephew to try to pick up women in the park. It was a really cool story though. Then we all needed to be reminded that Jose Cano was a former Houston Astros pitcher. Which is true.

The elder Cano pitched 23 innings in 1989. He gave up 24 hits, 13 runs, 2 homers and walked 7 for a 5.09 ERA. I'm pretty sure giving up 32 homers to his son will be the much fonder baseball memory. Either way, I felt it was my duty to point out that Jose Cano is/was a lousy pitcher. If you include his Home Run Derby performance, by my math, his MLB career ERA would be around 900.

We still have a soft spot in our hearts for Jose here. At last year's All Star game festivities, he asked occasional Off Base editor Derwood to take a picture with him. Derwood is the short white guy not wearing the "Team Cano" shirt if any of you were confused.

Our Obligatory Derek Jeter 3,000th Hit Post

Derek Jeter got his 3,000th hit on Saturday. It was a home run and he went 5-5. He now sports a .270/.331/.354 line this season and will continue to hit lead-off. Minka Kelly.

All right people, move along. There is nothing to see here.

Slade Heathcott Had A Big Day

The perception of Yankees prospect Slade Heathcott took a wild ride on Friday the 13th. In Gene Sapakoff's tremendous article in The Post and Courier, we learned about Heathcott's troubled past ranging from pulling a shot gun on his father to some rather extreme alcohol abuse both in high school and with the Yankees. Eventually, with assistance from the Yankees, Heathcott got the help he needed for his alcohol demons and appears to have righted the ship. It's a great story and I can't recommend the article enough.

Heathcott came into the season as the Yankees number 8 prospect according to ESPN's Keith Law. In 32 games for Single A Charleston, the 20-year-old outfielder is hitting .312/.396/.504 with 3 home runs and 11 doubles. But on Friday, the same day the article on his salvation came out, he ran into a little trouble at the ballpark.

Heathcott was hit with the second pitch of the game and promptly attacked the opposing team's (Red Sox affiliate Greenville) catcher. Which led to the following bench-clearing brawl...



That was a pretty sweet double leg takedown Heathcott snuck in there as the catcher was trying to get away. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a guillotine choke applied by somebody. I'd hate to wildly speculate (that's a lie, I love it) but I can't imagine that it was just a coincidence that the article and brawl occurred on the same day. I bet the catcher said something to incite Heathcott's violent reaction aside from calling for a fastball up and in.

But that's just a guess. Heathcott might just be really embracing his Yankeeness and felt the need to deck the Red Sox minor league catcher while yelling, "This is for Zimmer!" Either way, I hope this is just an isolated incident and Heathcott stays on the path of a feel good story.

Bartolo Colon, Stem Cells And A 95 MPH Fastball

I'm fascinated by this story. And for once, it has nothing to do with Bartolo Colon's ability to eat 47 pounds of buffalo wings without having to unhinge his jaw. Instead, Colon has tossed 37.1 innings for the Yankees while putting up a 2.81 xFIP (3.86 ERA for the Sports Center crowd) and has actually looked like the pitcher he used to be seven years ago.

Turns out that Bart used some rather unorthodox surgery to regain his 95 mile per hour fastball as a 37-year-old (albeit on stadium guns, so, let's call it 92 to be safe). Joseph R. Purita would like to take credit for Colon's return to relevance. I don't blame him either because it sounds like this guy is on to something. Here's a blockquote from the NY Times (I hope they don't charge me for this)...

A doctor in Florida would like to take some of the credit. Joseph R. Purita, an orthopedic surgeon who runs a regenerative medicine clinic in Boca Raton, said he and a team of Dominican doctors that he led treated Colon in April 2010. Purita said he employed what he regards as one of his more pioneering techniques: he used fat and bone marrow stem cells from Colon, injecting them back into Colon’s elbow and shoulder to help repair ligament damage and a torn rotator cuff.

See? I told you Dr. Purita wanted some credit. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a big deal down the line. Yanks GM Brian Cashman admitted that he was unaware of this procedure before he signed Colon and immediately contacted MLB once he found out about the situation.

While I doubt MLB can find any kind of violation against Colon's treatment, the doctor in question has used HGH and platelet-rich plasma therapy to treat ligament injuries. Selig will investigate.

Will this new treatment be a new breakthrough in science to keep players healthy or the next thing banned? I'm obviously in favor of any and all of these new developments in science but I'm also fine with steroids and HGH being administered under the supervision of a doctor. I realize that anything "stem cell" related is still a controversial topic so I dug up a clip of Christopher Reeve on Larry King to help shed some light on the subject.

Krazy Kripples
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Hey, That's My Uncle's Logo!

The Lohud Yankees Blog has a story on a Yonkers woman who is filing a lawsuit against the Yankees claiming the organization stole the top hat logo from her uncle.

The woman's name is Tanit Buday, and her uncle was Kenneth Timur, not to be confused with Tibor, who got promoted ahead of Homer at the Nuclear Power Plant. What is interesting about Buday's suit is, it has brought to light a few other lawsuits against the Yankees:

* A Staten Island woman is suing, claiming the team stole the idea of wearing pants from her raccoon, Vincent.

* A Queens woman is suing, claiming the team stole the interlocking NY logo from her uncle and his religious support group Novice Yeshivas.

* A Yonkers man is filing a lawsuit against Tanit Buday, claiming his Yonkers neighbor stole his idea for a lawsuit against the Yankees.

* A Long Island teenager is suing the Yankees, claiming the organization removed, without cause, Derek Jeter from her basement.

* Local couple Dominic and Marie Delvecchio is suing the Yankees for stealing their idea for a promotional day called Bring Your Sausage & Peppers Sandwich to the Ballpark.

* And unrelated to the Yankees, a Bronxville man is suing a man from South Jersey for not specifying whether his forthcoming 'knuckle sandwich' was literal or figurative.

[UPDATE: It was figurative, and the Bronxville man nearly starved to death].

Kevin Long Has Big Plans For Robbie Cano

Yankee hitting instructor extraordinaire, Kevin Long, is either quite full of himself or delusional in his optimism for Robinson Cano. Or he's a super genius. Cano is coming off of his best season in 2010 finishing third in the AL MVP voting. It was a monster season by all accounts for a second baseman as he hit 29 home runs and put up a .320/.381/.534 line. But Long apparently thinks Cano is capable of 40 jacks...

"I wouldn't be surprised if Cano hit 40 home runs," Long said. "He hit 29; could he hit 40? Why not? It's a big number - and not something that's a goal - but could he do it? I don't think there's anybody standing here that thinks he can't."

Asked if he thought he could go deep 40 times this season, Cano laughed and answered quickly.

"No chance; maybe if you put an extra half-season," Cano said. "To be honest, that's not in my mind. I don't think I'm a home run hitter; most of my home runs are line drives. I don't want that kind of thing in my mind. If I hit it, thank God, but it's not on my mind."

Well, PECOTA is more inclined to believe Cano than Long projecting a bit of a regression for the second bagger. It has Cano coming back to Earth a little bit hitting a mere 20 homers and a .300/.346/.476 line which would still make many teams jealous. But if Cano hits 40 bombs, Long needs a raise.

If you're wondering why I'm writing a post about a hitting coach, it's because I now have a horse in this race. Brandon Wood reached out to Kevin Long for hitting advice this off season and I recently flushed some cash down a toilet to sponsor his Baseball-Reference page.

A-Rod To Buy Fancy-Pants Penthouse

It appears Alex Rodriquez is moving to the Upper West Side. The Wall Street Journal is reporting that A-Rod is set to buy a five bedroom condo in the Rushmore Building that overlooks the Hudson River for around $6 million. This kind of real estate investment will likely set A-Rod back a full month's worth of paychecks.

So what does $6 million buy somebody on Riverside Blvd. and W. 64th St.? After some exhaustive (seven and a half minutes) research, this is the best I could come up with. The floorplan is from the 37th floor instead of A-Rod's 35th floor condo but I can't imagine there is a difference.
That's just about 3,600 sq. ft. The black and white floorplan might not convey the fancy-pantsness of the condo so in anti-slideshow fashion, here's a virtual tour. Suck on that Bleacher Report.

Ah, the living room. This is where A-Rod and Cameron Diaz will entertain celebrities and diplomats with swanky cocktail parties. I fear my invitations will once again be lost in the mail. Even though I'd be the perfect guest to debate the awesomeness of being a centaur with Alex or how hot Cameron used to be in The Mask.

This would be where the magic happens. Let's move along quickly before someone imagines something nauseating.


A-Rod's new foyer. This will surely be fitted with some rather revealing and disturbing life size statues of Rodriguez.


This bathroom is from a different floorplan but probably won't be that much different than his. I couldn't find out whether or not it comes with an attendant to hand out cologne and breath mints.

The Rushmore also has a bunch of classy amenities that Alex won't be caught dead in. This concludes my Cribs tour of A-Rod's new digs. Sorry i couldn't get a peek into the fridge. But I'm guessing it contains a bunch of healthy stuff I've never heard of. Mine is filled with rum and pizza rolls.

Putting a Stamp On Camp

A few times a week Offbase will recap the day in Spring Training. We'll call it Putting a Stamp on Camp until we think of a better name.

Let's start with a flashback from our buddy Jose Canseco, unofficially the Offbase mascot. We can't get enough of this guy.




The Yankees had some controversy on their first day of camp! Unbelievable, I know. Why must people keep bothering this quiet, little franchise? Can't everyone just let them go down to Tampa and train in peace? Anyway, C.C. Sabathia hinted Monday there was a chance he could opt out of the final four years of his contract and test free agency after the 2011 season, even though he had said previously he wasn't going to do that. If Sabathia opts out, it's the right thing to do because he could get a new and longer deal on the open market after the '11 season, and he'll still be younger than Cliff Lee, who was the prize of this past winter's free agency class. I also think the big lefty would end up staying with and extending his contract with the Yankees because he likes playing in NY. So, Anthony in Poughkeepsie and Vinny in Jersey should put the whale sounds CD on and have a canoli.

Meanwhile, in Jupiter, Albert Pujols set a new deadline-Wednesday-for the Cardinals to sign him to a new contract or he's playing the 2011 season and then testing free agency in the winter. Here's Cards manager Tony LaRussa talking about Pujols and distractions and engine coolant.


Elsewhere...

* John Lackey dropped more than 10 pounds in the off-season, but this is still his face:



First jab at a Redsox in 2011. Baseball is back! Tomorrow: what's so great about Jacoby Ellsbury anyway?

* Maury Brown explained on Twitter that Toronto was postponing arbitration talks with outfielder Jose Bautista "to allow further negotiation between the player and the club." Before the Jays go crazy, remember: Bautista's 2010 season was excellent (166 OPS+, 5.3 WAR, .617 SLUG, 54 HR), but it's the first even pretty good season of his seven-year career. Career highs prior to 2010:

OPS+ - 99
WAR - 2.0
SLUG - .420
HR - 16

There were thousands of Bautista-Brady Anderson comparisons last year, but Anderson had two more really good seasons after he hit 50 home runs in 1996 (which bested his career high in long balls by 29). I say we leave poor Brady Anderson out of this and start making some Dan Pasqua comparisons.

Cashman Doesn't Believe Sabathia Is 30 Pounds Less Fat

Rumors circulating about CC Sabathia's 30-pound loss might have been exaggerated according to Yankee GM Brian Cashman. It seems like Cashman has been in the headlines for much of the off-season, most notable by being critical and overruled on the Rafael Soriano signing. I'm starting to like Cashman more and more, here's his latest on CC...

"I don't believe it,'' Cashman said. "I saw him (last week) at the B.A.T. dinner and he didn't look like he lost 30 pounds to me. Maybe half that amount. We haven't weighed him so I don't now where that number comes from.''

*snip*

"He obviously has worked very hard to rehab his knee and he's lost some weight, but he's still around 300 pounds,'' Cashman said."Clearly, he's a tremendous athlete and he can handle it , but it has to be managed so it doesn't become a problem. I just think 30 pounds would have been a lot more noticeable.''

Personally, I think the whole "losing 30 pounds" story was just a misunderstanding. It's much more likely the real story was that Sabathia lost 30-pounds of buffalo wings. You know, like behind the couch or under a fat roll. That just seems more plausible.

But I commend Cashman for his honesty as well as his fascination with collecting players who were good in 2005. His recent actions are reminiscent of Lane Kiffin's when he was trying to get fired from Oakland. What's the baseball equivalent of calling for a 76-yard field goal attempt?

Desperate For Pitching Yankees Sign Leonel Vinas

The Yankees missed out on their free agent prize target in Cliff Lee and then missed out on trading for Zack Greinke. As much as I'd like to see them give Carl Pavano another $40 million, I can't imagine them doing that no matter how many emails I send to Brian Cashman. But it's not like the Yankees to leave free agency with just their own elderly overpaid short stop and still eerily dominant closer. So the Yanks announced the signing of prospect Leonel Vinas.

If you aren't familiar with Leonel Vinas, then you were clearly not one of the dozens of people watching Vinas outduel Mariano Rivera Jr. to win the "Boss' Cup" for "Hank's Yanks." And if you didn't understand a word of that sentence, you probably live outside of New York. It turns out Hank Steinbrenner is involved with a youth team comprised of kids from different socioeconomic backgrounds which also serves as a scouting system for the Yankees. From MLB.com...

A 2009 graduate of Freeport High School in Freeport, N.Y., who moved to Long Island from the Dominican Republic at age 11, Vinas said playing under the Yankees' umbrella had only been a distant dream.

*snip*

He was 12-0 with a 1.12 ERA in 84 innings pitched for "Hank's Yanks," recording 168 strikeouts, including two no-hitters -- a four-inning no-hitter vs. Adelphi University and five no-hit innings vs. Suffolk Community College.

"They told me, 'You've got a chance to be a Yankee,'" Vinas said. "When they first told me that, I didn't believe it. I didn't think it was true. As the season went on, it got bigger and bigger, and here we are now. My dreams are coming true."

Alright, even as a cynic, I have to admit that's a pretty cool story. Hey, that's the nicest thing I've ever written about the Yankees. Don't get used to it.

Red Sox Make Carl Crawford Super Rich

After tonight's Carl Crawford coup and the Adrian Gonzalez trade, I imagine Theo Epstein is smoking a Cuban cigar and drinking a 30-year-old single malt scotch while strippers peel off Red Sox uniforms except for the knee high socks. I knew I should have gone to Yale or high school. Just days after the Red Sox traded for the biggest non-free agent bat in Gonzalez, Boston signed Crawford to a seven-year, $142 million contract. Only Manny Ramirez has ever signed a more lucrative deal as an outfielder when he raked in $160 million from, um, the Red Sox.

Epstein still has to sign Gonzalez to an extension which will also easily clear the $100 million mark. It also turns out that the Red Sox were one of the mystery teams that offered Cliff Lee seven years. It must be rough for Theo to throw around all of John Henry's Monopoly money with his fancy Ivy League degree and shiny World Series rings.

Now would probably be a good time to remind you that I'm a very bitter Angels fan. With Crawford off the market to the Red Sox, the Yankees, Rangers and maybe the Angels will start spewing dollars and years at Cliff Lee like a 14-year-old after a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps. Tis the season.

It's anybody's guess but I think the Yankees will go to seven years and sign Cliff Lee. The Angels appear to be the entire market for Adrian Beltre now and could also afford to throw cash at Rafael Soriano. The Rangers, not to be left empty handed, have the pieces to make a strong push for a Zach Greinke trade.

Mo Spurns Angels, Red Sox To Stay A Yankee

The 41-year-old Hammer of God is returning to the Bronx for two more seasons and didn't even demand a raise. Mariano Rivera re-signed with the Yankees for two-years, $30 million which is right in line with the $15 million he made each of the past three seasons. Jon Heyman tweeted late last night that the Angels and Red Sox were offering three years and more money but Rivera decided to stay at home with the Yankees until his arm falls off. Which doesn't look like will happen any time soon. Rivera broke into the majors in 1995 and joined the ranks of great Yankees relievers like Josias Manzanillo and Mélido Turpen Gross Pérez. Unlike Manzanillo though, Rivera survived the '90s with both testicles. Too soon? Jeez, wear a cup.

Kinda painted myself into a corner there. It's hard to segue from a testicle reference. So anyway, Boston actually just offered the same two-year, $30 million contract that the Yanks did. It makes some sense since they don't trust Jonathan Papelbon and could have non-tendered him if they stole Mo away from their arch nemesis. Instead they had to tender Paps and will end up having to pay him somewhere between $11-13 million anyway.

The Angels were more of a curious case. Obviously the back-end of their bullpen is shaky at best with Fernando Rodney trying to hit the strike zone blindfolded in save situations. But I can't imagine them being serious about allocating $15 million to Rivera when they'll likely have to go over $100 million for Carl Crawford and rumoredly have their eyes on Adrian Beltre. Plus they could get Rafael Soriano for less than $15 mil per but he carries a big durability risk.

By locking up Rivera, New York ends up signing their most important and productive free agent to a reasonable deal (for a rich team) and keeps him a lifetime Yankee. I'm glad that story is behind us and didn't drag out all winter.

Obligatory Mariano Rivera Stat
Rivera has a 0.71 ERA in 139.2 post season innings. He's surrendered two post season home runs. Yikes. I'm almost willing to call that clutch. Almost.

Derek Jeter Dabbles In Delusion

I'm a big fan of delusion, it's why I watch the American Idol tryouts. Delusion is also why I keep writing this blog. I fashion myself as the Hunter S. Thompson of baseball writing who never leaves the basement. I also figure Johnny Depp will play me in the movie adaptation of my life entitled Fear and Loathing With No WiFi. It's just going to be Depp drinking and smoking in a basement while reading FanGraphs for two hours. I don't have high hopes for it being a summer blockbuster.

Anyway, this post isn't about me because if the rumors are true, Derek Jeter is having his own little bout of delusion. According to a John Heyman tweet, Jeter might be looking for a six year deal from the Yankees...

jeter could take awhile. #yanks may be thinking 2-3 yrs. but industry sources suggest he could ask to stay 'til hes 42 (6 yrs), a la arod.

The 36-year-old "short stop" had one of his better seasons in 2009 and one of his worst in 2010. Maybe he rebounds some from this year's .270/.340/.370 line but I doubt he's ever returning to within a mile of his 2009 .334/.406/.465 line. His defensive shortcomings at short have been and will continue to be a liability until/if he is convinced to move to an outfield spot. Even then, I have no idea how effective he'll be on defense but his bat certainly won't be worthy of a corner outfield spot.

The Yanks seem to have no choice but to re-sign the face of their franchise but giving him six years is a joke. Three years sounds like a mistake. It's a good thing I'm not a Yankees fan because I'll be laughing about whatever the outcome is for at least the next few seasons.

One final Jeter note: Minka Kelly. That is all.

Ron Washington Sank The Rangers' Battleship

It would be foolish of me to blame all of last nigh't Ranger meltdown on manager Ron Washington. But I'm a blogger and looking foolish has never stopped me from writing before, why start now? The Rangers and Josh Hamilton knocked Yankee ace CC Sabathia out of the game after hanging five runs on him in just four innings. C.J. Wilson cruised through seven innings allowing only a run. Wilson had thrown 98 pitches going into the 8th inning so Washington's decision to leave him in against Gardner was warranted.

Gardner hit an infield single aided by despite the uncalled for, yet highly dramatic, head first slide. Washington left Wilson in, sitting at 102 pitches, to face Derek Jeter. I didn't mind this move either for two reasons. 1) Jeter has not been good this year. 2) He's Jeter The Clutch (or some such nonsense) and he would have hit that clutch double off of God Himself (not that Washington would have called on the northpaw anyway). That's when Washington finally started firing shots that hit something.

B1 This was the first peg to hit the battleship. Washington turns to the bullpen and summons 74-year-old lefty Darren Oliver who had actually pitched well throughout the season. Much to Washington's chagrin, Oliver is actually anticlutch and walked Nick Swisher and Mark Teixeira on 13 pitches.

B2 If he had just gone C1 and missed, he might not have sunk the Rangers' battleship. Washington replaces one Darren with the other and calls for O'Day. O'Day rewards his manager by giving up a screaming line drive hit and leaves the mound without breaking a sweat.

B3 Washington is on fire know and can see that battleship sinking. He goes back to his bullpen and pulls out some guy named Clay Rapada. I wouldn't know Clay Rapada if he walked into this basement wearing a Clay Rapada shirt. I would just figure he was delivering food I forgot I ordered from a restaurant I never heard of. Just like this post is getting away from me, so was the game from Washington. Cano singled and Washington would call for another reliever. Surely, this time it would be his best pitcher back there, Neftali Feliz. Right?

B4 Washington sank the Rangers' battleship. General Washington sent for Derek Holland. Holland gave up the tie-breaking single to Marcus Thames before mercifully ending the inning. The damage was done though. It still baffles me how, in this day and age of information, managers still refuse to use their best reliever in the highest leverage situations. Feliz hadn't pitched in almost a week, not using him anywhere in this inning was simply irresponsible.

The Rangers just went through the motions to end the game. Ian Kinsler drew a leadoff walk to start the Rangers' portion of the inning. But he was picked off by Kerry Wood, something Wood hadn't done in two years. After the walk, Wood and Mariano Rivera shut the Rangers down without a hitch.

Stay tuned to see if I can make the rest of my playoff recaps board game themed. With my attention span I'm guessing..ooh, a piece of candy.

New York at Minnesota

As soon as I start a baseball blog, the Angels miss the playoffs for the first time since 2006. I hope you like your post-season previews filled with animosity and tears.

Derwood wanted to write this preview but he opened an email from some porn-spam and it burned down his apartment. Now he's selling oranges off of the 75-loop in Atlanta, swing by on your commute. The Yanks face the Twins at 7:37 Central Time Wednesday night so long as George Lopez doesn't have an emergency prime-time special.

My Completely Biased Opinion.
Yep, I hate the Bronx Bombers. Yet, I love Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin. Go figure. Meanwhile, I really like Joe Mauer and whatever Gardy is doing in the Twin Cities. Can I pick against the Evil Empire? Sure can. More on that later.

Just Some of the Facts M'am.
I already touched on the Yanks' decision to skip AJ Burnett in the ALDS which probably isn't the worst idea. Instead the Yanks will trot out CC Sabathia on short rest for game 4 if necessary and let Phil Hughes take the mound for game 3. Sabathia was 21-7 with a 3.18/3.54/3.78 pitching line. 21 wins? Give that man the Cy Young The Twins will counter with Francisco Liriano and his 3.62/2.66/3.06 and 6 WAR. So Liriano was just about 1 win better than Sabathia this season. That my friends, is huge. But will Liriano get any Cy love with his pedestrian 14 wins and bloated 3.62 ERA? No sir but don't let that fool you. He is a true ace.

Capt'n Jetes hit .270/.340/.370 and saw his wOBA fall .70 points from last season. And according to Fangraphs' WAR, this was Jeter's worst season EVER unless you want to count his 51 plate appearances in 1995. But at least he'll only re-sign next season for around 4 more years and $80 million. Joe Mauer had a disappointing season of his own, hitting .327/.402/.469. Slacker. The Twins had to shut Justin Morneau down for the season after a concussion turned out to be the only thing that could slow him down. In 348 plate appearances, Morneau hit 18 home runs and .345/.437/.618. That is half of an MVP season.

Prediction.
My utter disdain for the Yankees prevents me from ever picking them despite my desire to be right. Do I feel good picking a team that is starting Carl Pavano in game 2? Nope, sure don't but here it goes anyway. Twins in 5.

AJ Burnett Told No Thank You By Yankees

The Yankees have decided to start CC Sabathia on short rest rather than giving AJ Burnett a game 4 start. Burnett had just about his worst professional season in 2010 during the second year of his 5-year, $82.5 million contract. His 5.26/4.83/4.66 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) line is the worst of his career and, perhaps even more concerning, he struck out much fewer (6.99 K/9) than his career average (8.34 K/9). His walk and strand rates were right along his career norms and his BABIP (.319) wasn't wildly unlucky. He simply stopped striking hitters out this year.

So the Yanks will give Sabathia and 38-year-old Andy "Come On, You Know You Want To" Pettitte 2 starts if necessary against the Twins and they'll mix in a game 3 start from Phil Hughes. How the Yankees can spend $3 billion on payroll and not find a quality fourth starter baffles me. I suppose that will be corrected this off-season when they write Cliff Lee a blank check.

In a rather amusing turn of events, the Yankees will face former "employee" and blog enemy Carl Pavano. Pavano is enjoying a nice bounce back season for the Twins sporting a decent 3.75/4.02/4.01 pitching line. And with a 17-11 record, he'll most likely receive way too many Cy Young votes. Which I will find hilarious because it will make Derwood's head explode.