Pirates, Please Don't Leave Without Taking This Pitcher With You

For Yankees fans, the biggest news of the off season has not been Jorge Posada's retirement, the trade for Michael Pineda, or it turning out that all of the those Mike Pagliarulo bobblehead dolls were counterfeit ("hey, this is Mike Blowers! I want my peanut shells back!").

No, as Spring Training begins we're concerned that this A.J. Burnett-to-anywhere-on-earth deal is not going as smoothly as we had hoped. A little over a week ago, the Yanks were working out a deal that would send Burnett to the Pirates in exchange for Pittsburgh eating some of the $33 million left on his contract and the Yankees eating a ham sandwich.

I don't know.

It doesn't matter what the Yankees were willing to eat, just that the Pirates were hungry for some 5 ERA, neck tattoos and 47-foot curve balls. The point was: someone was EAGER to take A.J. Burnett from the Yankees and my nightmares, and Vinny from Jersey's nightmares.

Now it seems the Yankees are quibbling over money, wanting the Pirates to take more than the $10 million they've offered or throw in top-level prospects. This has been a puzzling few days for me because I really thought the conversation would go something like this:

Yankees: "Hello Pittsburgh Pirates, what can we do for you?"

Pirates: "We'd like to trade for A.J. [phone disconnects, person on other line loses consciousness].

The staff at Offbase is here to help. The following is a list of Burnett trades we'd be willing to make if we were the Yankees.

1. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for a case of hoagie rolls
2. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for Trent Stevenson
3. Three-way trade: Pirates get A.J. Burnett, Padres get Murray Klein (12 HR for 2011 Bly's Bakery softball team), Yankees get a 1997 Pirates yearbook autographed by Midre Cummings
4. A.J. Burnett to the Henderson Valley 9-year old all-stars for a player to be named later
5. A.J. Burnett to the Indians for J.B. Arnett
6. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for a goldfish to be named later
7. A.J. Burnett to the Kinsella family for the uncle that threw the kid off the bleachers
8. A.J. Burnett to the Royals for Glenn Gibson
9. Yankees get Taylor Garrison from Henderson Valley to complete an earlier trade
10. A.J. Burnett to the Orioles for B.J. Hernett
11. A.J. Burnett to the Orioles for some lettuce
12. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for Midre Cummings

An Open Letter to the New York Yankees

Dear Yankees,

My name is Derwood Morris and I am speaking on behalf of all frustrated Yankees fans in regards to a person by the name of A.J. Burnett. Maybe you remember Mr. Burnett-he's the guy on the team everyone hates. Well, to put it quite simply: we've had enough. We've had enough of the 36-pitch innings; we've had enough of him not getting out of the third inning; we've had enough of the diarrhea accidents on the mound (speculation).

When a pitcher has more tattoos than perfect innings, that's a problem.


[NOTE: at last count it was unofficially 67-to-59 tattoos, according to my 7th grade algebra teacher, Elias]


Just for a sample of the horrific pitching we've had to endure, here are Burnett's five August starts:

August 3 vs. Whitesox: 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER
August 9 vs. Angels: 6 IP, 7 H, 4 ER
August 15 vs. Royals: 5 2/3 IP, 10 H, 3 ER
August 20 vs. Twins: 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER
Friday vs. Orioles: 5 IP, 9 ER

I'll give you a second to excuse yourself to the bathroom and throw up tacos......

Great, everyone's back.

Listen, I remember about a month ago when I saw Bruce Chen's name penciled in as the Royals' starting pitcher and thought "at least A.J. Burnett isn't as bad as Bruce Chen." But you know what? That was disrespectful to Bruce Chen.

Let me repeat that sentence, except this time all of the words are capitalized: THAT WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO BRUCE CHEN.

Do you want to make Carl Pavano and Kei Igawa sympathetic figures? Because that's what is eventually going to happen if you keep letting this buffoon pitch against Major League hitters.

"Every time A.J. Burnett gives up a three-run home run, Kei Igawa gets his wings."

- Little girl outside the Trenton Thunder box office

Here's a text message I received from a fellow Yankees fan after Friday's loss to Baltimore:

"I'm on my way to Maryland to punch him in the face and kidnap him to keep him away from the Yankees."

I think that sums up everyone's feelings.

But we don't want him to go away completely. Let's get some value out of that ridiculous contract that you gave him before the 2009 season even though you were basically bidding against yourselves. Here are a few suggestions for what to do with Burnett:

1. Put him in the bullpen, but not to warm up and come in to pitch, but to catch.
2. Have him get a tattoo on his chest that reads I CAN'T GET OUT ANY WHITESOX.
3. Usher in section 324 during the odd-numbered innings.
4. Have him get a tattoo on his back that reads I CAN'T GET OUT ANY ORIOLES EITHER.
5. Convince him that he is a pigeon named David. Enroll him in pigeon school.
6. Francisco Cervelli's personal chauffeur.

Those are just a few ideas.

If you won't listen to me, at least listen to Glen the Movementarian, Barney, Otto, Skinner and Moe:





Sincerely,
Derwood and millions of Yankees fans