Perhaps you aren't a Simpsons fan and have no idea that every Simpsons ever started playing the marathon of all marathons last Thursday on FXX. If that's the case, this post isn't for you. Please go back to watching The Big Bang Theory on TBS. But if you're like me, you haven't been able to turn the channel in over 250-ish hours. Both work and my cable provider have called to make sure I was still alive. I am! And I still at least have cable for the moment.
Homer at the Bat, episode 8F13 with an original air date of February 20, 1992, aired during the marathon on Friday morning. This is important for a few reasons. Homer at the Bat was an amazing episode with player cameos galore. I also still had a concept of what day of the week it was. And finally, I hadn't fully armed myself with the protective coat of Cheeto dust that I'm sporting as I write this.
If you're unfamiliar with the episode, shame on you. You can catch up with my team study from 2010 right here. But the reason for rehashing this episode over 24(!) years later is that long time show runner, writer, producer and general Simpsons extraordinaire, Al Jean, is still not a fan of Jose Canseco. The commentary from Homer at the Bat is worth watching for a lot of nuggets but this was always my favorite, from Al Jean...
I usually say it's my favorite one, you know, people ask me, that I worked on, just because it was so exciting to meet all these guys and they were all really nice except for one whose name rhymed with Manseco
Of course, I pointed out that I knew this nerdy fact...
.@AlJean said all of the players were nice except for one whose name rhymed with Manseco
And now Blowsay Manseco will be the name of every fantasy baseball team I ever own again. Don't even think about stealing that either. Al Jean's blue haired lawyer claims I owe him $1.20 every time I type or say Blowsay Manseco. Dammit!
In case you are wondering why Al Jean might have been slightly annoyed grunt with Blowsay, I'll refer you to Deadspin's 20th anniversary post on the episode...
Aside from the logistics of recording nine separate guest roles, plot lines had to be rewritten on the fly. Jose Canseco's scene originally called for him and Mrs. Krabappel to engage in Bull Durham-inspired extramarital shenanigans. Canseco's wife rejected the scene, and the staff had to do a last-minute Saturday afternoon rewrite when Oakland came south on a mid-August road trip.
Instead of Lothario, Canseco got to play hero, rushing into a woman's burning house to rescue her baby, then cat, followed by a player piano, washer, dryer, couch and recliner combo, high chair, TV, rug, kitchen table and chairs, lamp, and grandfather clock. Requesting the new sequence turned out to be the wiser move. Canseco and his wife had nearly divorced earlier that year before reconciling, and a week before "Homer at the Bat" aired, Canseco was arrested by Miami police for chasing down and ramming his wife's BMW twice with his red Porsche at 4:30 a.m. After the chase ended, he allegedly got out of his car, came over to his wife's driver-side window, and spit on it.
It could have been the extra work the show runners, writers and cast had to put in to the episode that soured Al Jean on Canseco. Or it could have simply been from having to meet/work with him. I'll ask Jose his thoughts on the episode if I can raise enough money to pay him for an interview after his next PPV fight against a blindfolded bear.
Today is the birthday of my esteemed colleague, Derwood Morris. He's been covering a lot of ground for me here lately so I wanted to express my gratitude. So I racked my brain for threes of minutes. I mean, what do you get for a guy who has nothing? He has chewed through most of the straps on his straitjacket that he got last year. But I decided to go with the classic clip combining two of his favorite things; Don Mattingly and The Simpsons...
Have a good one, buddy.
Now, here's a Simpsons clip just for me...
*Technically, Yardbarker is owned by Fox and I made them close to 7 cents last month, so I don't think I'm subject to any copyright infringement here*
The Rangers and the Giants are about to kick off Game One and I'm sure you've all been previewed to death by now. So, I've decided to take the good old Off Base Percentage method and rip off some old ideas and make them my own. Today we'll take a look at some of the key World Series players as their animated counter parts from The Simpsons.
Texas Rangers
1. Josh Hamilton as Sober Barney Gumble When Barney was the town drunk, he wasted potential left and right. But once Barney got sober, he learned to fly a helicopter and saved the Simpson children from a sure forest fire death in Days of Wine and Do'h'ses. The sober version of Josh Hamilton is this year's ALCS MVP and probably the AL MVP.
2. Cliff Lee as Troy McClure You may remember Cliff from such teams as the Cleveland Indians, Philadelphia Phillies, Seattle Mariners and Texas Rangers. No matter where Cliff Lee pitches though, he always puts together a brilliant performance.
3. C.J. Wilson as Ned Flanders Wilson seems to be one of the nicest guys in baseball and as straight edge as they come according to his Twitter handle @str8edgeracer. I doubt Ned shares Wilson's racing enthusiasm after the "Maude incident."
4. Vlad Guerrero as Nelson Muntz Like Nelson, Vlad will take a swing at just about anything and when it connects, it hurts.
5. Nelson Cruz as Fat Tony When Cruz is actually active and on the show, he's one of the most dangerous players in baseball. He just needs more air time.
6. Colby Lewis as Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Lewis came over from another country (after spending two season in Japan) and has done nothing but excel at his job. Except for the time he gave the clubhouse salmonella after bringing in some expired ham.
7. Jeff Fancoeur as Grandpa Francoeur is also afraid to walk for fear of breaking a hip. At least that's what I assume his reasoning is.
8. Bengie Molina as Comic Book Guy Both are slow, easily winded and rarely helpful.
9. Michael Young as Mr. Burns Young has a ton of cash now after signing a 5-year, $80 million contract but neither one of them are as feared as they used to be.
10. Elvis Andrus as Maggie Simpson Andrus is young and talented just like his counterpart. And I never heard him speak either.
San Francisco Giants
1. Buster Posey as Bart Simpson Posey has been a star since he made it to TV. He has the potential to carry the Giants through some otherwise disappointing stretches.
2. Tim Lincecum as Otto Mann Too obvious? Sorry. They both have long hair, drive too fast and enjoy the occasional joint. I'm guessing they both smell like patchouli as well.
3. Brian Wilson as Homer Simpson Two crazy characters. Wilson is getting more press after his "The Machine" stunt. He appears to have a wacky sense of humor or is completely insane. Plus, he's a guy who you'd definitely want to go party with considering his plans following winning the NLCS were to, "Rage, get minimal sleep and do it again." That has Homer written all over it.
4. Cody Ross as Sideshow Bob Ross shows up once a season, makes a big splash and then isn't heard from for the rest of the year. Side note: I have a slap bet with a friend about Cody Ross hitting another home run this post season. I have the under and probably just jinxed myself.
5. Pablo Sandoval as Chief Wiggum Neither of them are any good at their positions on defense but they do share a certain round physique.
6. Aubrey Huff as Jimbo Jones Huff flies under the radar but he is a strong hitter.
7. Pat Burrell as Moe Szyslak I don't think you can characterize either of them having a pleasant disposition. Moe is ugly (physically) and is hidden in a dark bar and Pat is ugly (defensively) and hidden in left field.
8. Edgar Renteria as Disco Stu Their best years were in the 1970's.
9. Aaron Rowand as Krusty the Clown This one might be a reach but Rowand's contract constantly keeps me laughing due to his poor performances.
10. Matt Cain as Lisa Simpson Cain isn't the star of the show but he always brings his A game. I feel like I should apologize for that one.
With the recent retirement of Ken Griffey Jr, all of Mr. Burns' ringers from the Homer At The Bat episode of The Simpsons have officially retired from baseball (h/t to @VictorRojas29). That was episode 17 of season 3 or for all of you nerds, 8F13. Let's all pile in the way back machine and take a look at the greatest fictional softball team in the history of cartoon sports.
In 1992, Homer was trying to get his fellow employees to sign up for the softball team after they went 2-28 the prior season. This season, however, Homer had a secret weapon. He carved a bat out of a branch that was struck by lightning during a storm. *Fun Fact 1: Homer used a large piece of sheet metal for shelter during the storm* By Homer's gorilla math, in 30 games with 10 at bats per game, he would hit 3000 home runs with Wonder Bat. Of course, Homer homers the team into the championship game against the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant.
Mr. Burns made a million dollar bet with Shelbyville Plant owner Aristotle Amadopoulos. Determined to win by cheating, Burns decided to put together a team of ringers led by Honus Wagner, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown and dead-for-130-years Jim Creighton. *Fun Fact 2: In 1862, Jim Creighton never made an out at the plate for the entire season* Since Burns was unable to attain the services of these players, he had to turn to active major league stars. Sadly, most of them would never make it to the game. Let's take a look at the lineup that never was and don't forget that the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Roger Clemens
In 1991, Clemens went 18-10 with a league best 2.62 ERA and 241 strikeouts for the Red Sox. He won the AL Cy Young and finished 10th in MVP voting.
Job at SNPP: Security guard
Highlights: Broke Homer's Wonder Bat with a pitch during batting practice. Mistook Homer for Ken Griffey Jr.
Misfortune: Burns hired a hypnotist to get the team to give their maximum effort. But like in every hypnotic mishap, Clemens ended up thinking he was a chicken and couldn't pitch in the big game.
Wade Boggs
In 1991, Boggs hit .332/.421/.460 for the Red Sox. He was an All Star and won the Silver Slugger award for third base.
Job at SNPP: Janitor
Hightlights: He ate chicken before every game and took batting practice at 5:17. Needless to say, third base wasn't really a position of focus in the episode.
Misfortune: While enjoying a beer at Moe's, Boggs got into the popular bar debate with Barney over who was the greatest British Prime Minister of all time. Boggs defended Pitt the Elder while Barney is more a Lord Palmerston man. Lord Palmerston, come on. He was barely awarded the Order of the Garter by Victoria in 1856. But Barney knocked Boggs out anyway and Wade never made it to the big game.
Ken Griffey Jr.
Griffey was only 21-years-old in 1991 and just finished his third season with the Mariners. He hit 22 home runs and .327/.399/.527. He was an All Star and won a Gold Glove and the Silver Slugger award for center field.
Job at SNPP: Lunchroom cashier
Highlights: None, doomed from the start.
Misfortune: Burns insisted that the team drink Brain and Nerve Tonic instead of beer. Griffey became hooked on it and developed one of the rare possible cases of gigantism. *Fun Fact 3: Griffey was not a big fan of his line "There's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited."*
Steve Sax
While mainly playing second base for the Yankees in 1991, Sax hit .304/.345/.414. Perhaps Robbie Alomar didn't like The Simpsons in '91.
Job at SNPP: Undeclared
Highlights: Played in the Steve Sax trio. Drove an automobile.
Misfortune: Sax got pulled over by the capable Springfield police and they discover Saxy was from New York. They charged him with all of the unsolved crimes in Springfield and he faced up to 6 consecutive life sentences.
Ozzie Smith
The 36-year-old short stop hit .285/.380./.367 while swiping 35 bases in 1991. He was an All Star and won his 12th consecutive Gold Glove at short stop.
Job at SNPP: Undeclared
Highlights: Impressed by Elvis' lifestyle because he used to relax while watching three TVs at once. Wore an old man Hawaiian shirt.
Misfortune: Smith took a visit to The Springfield Mystery Spot (Where Logic Takes A Holiday And All Laws Of Nature Are Meaningless) and fell into some sort of wormhole to another dimension. That happened to my friend Beavis once. He drinks a lot of beer now.
Jose Canseco
Canseco led the American League in home runs with 44 in 1991. He wouldn't hit over 40 again until 1998. That's just some bad dope. In 1991, he also hit .266/.359/.556 in his last season in Oakland.
Job at SNPP: Undeclared
Highlights: Even trying to get some extra bucks as a cartoon in 1991, Canseco charged children money for autographs. Slept with Edna Krabappel in the original script. *Fun Fact 4: Al Jean said all of the players were nice except for one whose name rhymed with Manseco*
Misfortune: After he forced a rewrite, Canseco ended up missing the game while saving a woman's furniture from a house fire. What a swell guy he is.
Don Mattingly
Mattingly hit .288/.339./.394 while playing Gold Glove defense at first for the Yankees. I have nothing against Mattingly but I don't understand the people who think he's a Hall of Famer. Even in his MVP season, George Brett had a much better year. Sorry, Derwood.
Job at SNPP: Undeclared
Highlights: Given one of the episode's best lines, wait for it...
Misfortune: Burns, ever the stickler, demanded Mattingly shave off his sideburns which he tried to do. Burns kicked Mattingly off of the team after deciding Don had still not shaved his sideburns. Mattingly responded by saying, "I still like him better than Steinbrenner." *Fun Fact 5: Mattingly was told to cut his long hair and was dropped from the lineup briefly for not doing so the year after this episode. Life imitating art*
Darryl Strawberry
In 1991, Strawberry played his first season away from the Mets with the Dodgers. He hit 28 home runs while batting .265/.361/.491 and it was good enough to make him an All Star.
Job at SNPP: Kiss ass
Highlights: Kissed Mr. Burns' ass from day one. Hit 9 home runs in the championship game. Had the best exchange in the episode...
Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry! Darryl Strawberry: Yes. Homer Simpson: You play right field. Darryl Strawberry: Yes. Homer Simpson: I play right field too. Darryl Strawberry: So? Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me? Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.
Misfortune: The percentages. Otherwise, he was the only ringer to make it to the championship game.
Mike Scioscia
Scioscia hit .264/.353/.391 in his second to last season catching for the Dodgers in 1991. He would go on to manage my beloved Halos to their World Series championship in 2002.
Job at SNPP: Ran the solid contaminating capsulator
Highlights: Hauled radioactive waste. Shot Smithers after mistaking him for a deer. Dream job included big machines and cool dials.
Misfortune: Acquired an acute case of radiation poisoning leaving him unable to lift his arms or speak at a normal rate.
The Big Game
With the game tied 43-43 in the bottom of the ninth, Burns decided to play the percentages. Burns pinch hit for Strawberry to avoid the lefty-lefty match-up against the pitcher. Strawberry only hit 11 home runs and .276/.370/.478 against lefties in 1991 so it was kind of a no-brainer. Homer would come up to bat with the bases loaded and two outs. And then the greatest moment in championship baseball happened since Kirk Gibson in 1988...
