Have fun playing golf (no, seriously)

Some of you might not realize I run an impressive media conglomerate including this site and Monkeys Throwing Darts which broke the scintillating story about the Atlanta Steam of the Lingerie Football League relocating to Charlotte. I'm not sure if that actually happened though. *removes the journalism patch my mom sewed onto my overalls*

But I wanted to share some tips our resident nonsensemedian had about making golf more fun whilst playing with the up-tights. It's baseball related because I played a par three course with Pete Vuckovich's son when we were in high school. He was good at math...

How to make a day of golf with serious golfers hilarious
By Derwood Morris


Golf GUYS take golf seriously. You have to wear the right pants, or you at least have to wear pants. You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is really stupid. Serious golf guys want you to be quiet. So, asking "which club is this?" every time you shoot is frowned upon.

I've developed a list of ideas for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable. Here we go.

1. Mention how great you are at golf at least 10 times prior to the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse from hole to hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this", and keep blaming things like the condition of the course and some kind of back or leg injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.

2. Disappear for 15-20 minutes at a time (it can be for longer, but no less than 15). Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Been looking for my ball."
B. "I was playing tennis."
C. "I'd rather not say."
D. "Building a sandcastle!" (then storm off, maybe fake cry a little)
E. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Karate."
F. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
G. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged. Bonus points if you bring some scrambled eggs with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green. Even more bonus points if you use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they won't), make a wager on a hole for the eggs. "If you can sink this 90-foot shot, you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

5. Make lots of ridiculous bets.

"If I make this putt, I get one tee from each of you."

"Let's crawl to the next hole. Winner gets to walk to the hole after that."

"I'll give $1,000 to whoever spots [insert name of rare bird]."

6. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Hug them for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask then to dance.
C. Return no less than 5 seconds later and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.

7. Golf guys love to talk about the clubhouse. "After 18, we'll meet in the clubhouse." "Grab a brew in the clubhouse?" The clubhouse stinks. It's time to shake up the clubhouse scene.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway on 11; a cup of sand from 6, or just items from the clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a guy orders a beer, single him out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Stage a giant, loud, celebration. If people come over to see what you're celebrating (they won't), say something like 'Harry drowned in the water hazard on 12.'
D. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.




Derwood Morris writes about golf at Hole in Eleven Magazine. You can email him at derwoodmorris@gmail.com

Salty Not Getting Promoted Anytime Soon

Jarrod Saltalamacchia isn't coming back to the Rangers' big league club anytime soon according to Evan Grant...

Jim asks ... Any update on Salty?

Evan Grant: Still at Triple-A. Not coming up anytime soon. As I mentioned before, Rangers are quite happy with catching situation right now. If you bring Salty back up, he's going to think he should be the starter. And the Rangers aren't ready for him to be the starter right now. The way Treanor and Max Ramirez are splitting up the job has created an egoless environment. The Rangers aren't going to mess with that until they have to.

Salty was crushing the ball at Triple A but he went all Rube Baker and forgot how to throw the ball back to the pitcher. Which I covered in one of my last posts at Monkeys Throwing Darts. Didn't catch it? Here you go...

Some of you may remember Jarrod Saltalamacchia for having the longest last name in Major League Baseball, others may remember the switch hitting catcher as one of the top prospects the Braves dumped* in the Mark Teixeira trade of '07. Well now, Salty is raking in Triple A but can't seem to make it back to the bigs due to his inability to throw the ball 60 feet and 6 inches back to the mound. Surely it can't be that bad, right? From MiLB.com...

In Salty's last game, Tuesday night at AT&T Bricktown Ballpark, 12 of his throws back to the pitcher landed either short of the mound or in center field. He had five errant throws in the first inning alone.

"He's just got to keep playing until he gets it right," RedHawks manager Bobby Jones said. "I don't know what else to do. It's a shame. It's definitely what's keeping him here. He's blocking the ball well and swinging the bat well. He's just got to figure it out. It's a shame."

He missed the pitcher 12 times? That's worse control than I displayed after my ninth margarita on Cinco de Mayo and I tried to fight a bar stool. People want to blame his shoulder surgery or his back problems but this is just an obvious case of the yips. Now the yips are a tricky thing. They can mentally ruin you. I blame most of this blog on the yips. Fortunately for Salty, if he keeps hitting .359/.417/.578, nobody will care how he gets the ball to the mound (I suggest an air cannon t-shirt launcher). Unfortunately for Salty, he tattooed "Salty" on his arm.

*The Braves also traded Neftali Feliz and Elvis Andrus to the Rangers for Mark Teixeira. Imagine if they still had those kids to go with Tommy Hanson and Jason Heyward.

Salty went to a sports psychologist for his yips. I don't know if it helped or not but his slash line has tumbled to .244/.309/.437 so there is no real point in promoting him right now. But yes, this was just an excuse to say Rube Baker and repost something from MTD. You're welcome.