Rudy Stein?!

So, first day of practice for the Bears and Rudi Stein volunteers to pitch. Though he seemed quite eager to pitch, jumping off the bleachers to inform Buttermaker of his desire to be the team's ace, he was just that: a volunteer. No one else in the yellow and brown wanted to be the hurler that would inevitably give up 27 runs and take seven comebackers off the shins per game. No one wanted to be the face of that team, and my goodness did that team have some faces.

 

There just weren't many options on day one of spring training:

* Engleberg is eating candy through the bars in his catcher's mask

* Lupus is getting hay fever out in RF

* Tanner Boyle falls down every time he does anything

* Ogilvie is in a windbreaker and jeans, didn't even bother to bring a glove

* Buttermaker is already nine beers in

* Kelly Leak is still weeks away from joining the team

* They've got a left-handed third baseman in a velvet jogging suit who is afraid of the ball

It's a mess of a first day of practice, and there's no one else to get on the mound and take the daily shellacking, so Stein volunteered, and that's fine for a non-serious little league where the kids and coaches are getting some fresh air and having fun.

But this isn't just any little league. The players have a genuine hatred for each other. The coaches are either drunks or psychotic (I seriously was hoping they'd release a new Bad News Bears DVD with extras where in one of the deleted scenes the Bears come back and beat the Yankees and Ron Turner is shown having hung himself in the dugout while Cleveland sobs in front of the body).

Anyway, Stein of course gets lit up. He's historically bad - bouncing pitches, can't field his position, throwing to the wrong bases, accidentally swallowing whole the rosin bag while attempting to field a bunt.

The Bears struggle. But Buttermaker finds Amanda Whurlitzer in a lawn chair handing out maps and remembers "this kid's got a curveball and I used to have sex with her mother. Maybe I can somehow get her t......." (passes out on the side of the road).

Soon the Bears have an ace: tons of innings, putting wear on her right arm, sure, but she's dominant and the best pitcher in the league. The Bears pass everyone into second and get a shot at the Yankees. Unfortunately Whurlitzer gets hurt in the championship game.

Buttermaker has to go to the pen.

Who does he turn to?

Rudi Stein.

RUDI STEIN?!

He goes right back to Rudi Stein?! There's no one else?!

At no time during the season, during practice, did he see if ANYONE ELSE could pitch? Ogilvie is the team statistician, refuses to play, he just wants to count foul balls and chart pitches. He couldn't at one point say "hey, Buttermaker, I know Amanda is pitching great, but let's say she gets hurt....you know, STEIN is the only other pitcher we have. Want to try to see if anyone else can pitch?

Maybe Ogilvie tried and Buttermaker was sunbathing nude in right field, who knows. But I still put this on Ogilvie - he should've done something.

 

And now we're in a tie championship game in the late innings, and Stein gets the ball again.

Ahmad Abdul Rahim?

Either of the Agular brothers?

The lefty they moved from 3rd to 1st? He can't give it a shot? Sure that might've meant bringing Jose Agular back to first, and we saw how poorly that went in the first practice.....but they're not going to even see if the lefty can get some people out?

Hell, give Boyle a shot. He may have been 3'4 and a horrible racist and bully, but he MUST'VE BEEN BETTER THAN RUDI STEIN.

If the fans are yelling out for anyone, EVEN THE RACIST, to pitch instead of the kid you currently have on the mound, you might have the wrong kid on the mound.

Kelly Leak can't pitch? He's the best athlete in the area and he can't pitch?! Why the hell not?! This kid is all-area and he's stuck in the outfield for the entire season?!

The Bears deserved that runner-up trophy.

Tournament of Champions Series Preview 1

(3) The Sandlot vs. (6) Chico's Bail Bonds Bears

The buzz for this series centers around the classic Benny Rodriquez-Kelly Leak match up and which superstar, by series end, will make the claim as the Josh Gibson of their time. Rodriquez, who had a long career with the Los Angeles Dodgers and finished with a 1.000% stolen base percentage in 11 major league seasons, will be hard to pitch around with the emergence of Ham Porter as a bonafide power threat in the No. 5 hole. After that, the Sandlot lineup gets a little thin as No. 6 hitter Ya Ya Mclendon is still recovering from his brush with the beast and rookie No. 7 hitter Scotty Smalls has a .210/.308/.375 slash line since the start of 2011.

In the other dugout, the Bears' Leak has established himself as not only a power threat at the plate, but the center fielder has taken to handling all fly balls in the outfield. Its caused some tension in the clubhouse, most notably by right fielder Ahmad Abdul Rahim.

"I know he's a future hall-of-famer and he's our clean up hitter, but damn! Can a brother get a fly ball?!" said Rahim.

Despite the outfield situation, Rahim has been excellent in the lead off spot since learning how to drag bunt-.440 OBP since January 15-and the middle of the Bears' order (Leak and catcher Mike Engelberg) are the toughest 1-2 punch in the North Valley League.

Trying to shut down the Bears' lineup will be former minor leaguer Kenny Denunez. Despite his age-Denunez turns 42 on April 6-the right-hander is still imposing and has developed a new pitch similar to his "heater" called "the heater's sister, 'Heather'". If Denunez can keep the pesky top of the Bears' order-namely lead off hitter Tanner Boyle (.390 OBP) and No. 2 hitter Toby Whitewood-off the bases, Leak and Co. may not have many chances to drive in runs.

The Sandlot lineup, which showed its potential in last week's lopsided win over neighborhood rival Tigers, will have to deal with righty Amanda Whurlitzer. The 5-2 former map salesman is in the prime of her career and until the Vaseline ball is outlawed, should be a Buttermaker candidate each year.

While the Sandlot has already played a true road game in the win over the Tigers, the Bears have never ventured away from North Valley Field and will be tested right away with games one and two at the Sandlot.



* All statistics provided by Ogilvie

Offbase Tournament of Champions Set

The editors at Offbase have always wondered what would happen if some of the great movie and television baseball/softball teams faced off against one another. Could 56-year old Eddie Harris, about to reach his pitch limit of 175, strike out Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez in the bottom of the ninth? How would the greatest female baseball player of all time, Dottie Hinson, do against male competition? And could Kelly Leak hit one in to the cornfield?

Soon we'll know.

Introducing the first Off Base Percentage Tournament of Champions, featuring, by seed:

1 - The 1919 Whitesox (Field of Dreams)
2 - Springfield Nuclear Power Plant (The Simpsons)
3 - Sandlot Gang (The Sandlot)
4 - Cleveland Indians (Major League)
5 - Rockford Peaches (A League of Their Own)
6 - Chico's Bail Bonds Bears (Bad News Bears)
7 - Durham Bulls (Bull Durham)
8 - Chatham Athletics (Summer Catch)



Stay with Offbase over the next couple weeks for game previews, recaps and analysis from the greatest imaginary baseball tournament ever created.

Time for Some Links

In between viewing tapes from the 1998 ALCS and the time in 1991 when he singled off one of the kids who had already grown facial hair (shaky camera work by Aunt Jo), Derwood will provide some links from around the baseball blogosphere. We call it Links From Around The Baseball Blogosphere.


The American Folklore Baseball League is a simulated league that includes the Bad News Bears and the Springfield Isotopes. How is Kelly Leak only hitting .279 for Chico's Bail Bonds? (AFBL)

Bruce Markusen at Hardball Times has a great piece on the new voice of black baseball, suggesting Mudcat Grant to take over for Buck O'Neil, who died in 2006. (Replacing Buck's Voice)

Funnybaseballcards.com presents the third round of its Nerdy Glasses and Mustaches collection. Three horrible Yankees included; just had another bad flashback. (Funny Baseball Cards)

The Caribbean World Series is underway. (Caribbean WS)

River Avenue Blues does fine work on the Yankees and here they take a peak at three starting pitching options for NY with Spring Training right around the corner. (Pitching proposals)

On the other coast, the guys at Duck Snorts do a great job blogging the Padres. Here they look at the 13 players who collected one hit in a San Diego uniform. This is the definitive John Roskos piece. (One-hit Wonders)

Curveballs for Jobu

Curveballs for Jobu is Off Base Percentage's daily trip around the ballparks.

Today's honorary bat boy: Chico Salmon



Rockies 5, Twins 1. Ubaldo Jimenez's 2010 campaign is bringing back fond memories of RBI Baseball-John Tudor. Like Tudor, Jimenez throws a variety of nasty pitches, including the wobbly pitch that rolls off the screen and the outside fastball that the computer always swings at. Jimenez moved to 13-1 and lowered his ERA to 1.15 with eight innings of one-run ball Thursday. All that's left for the Colorado right-hander is to get into the ninth inning when his velocity is down to 35 M.P.H. and get out pinch hitter Bill Madlock.

Reds 7, Dodgers 1. Cincy avoided a sweep thanks to Bronson Arroyo, who allowed an earned run in seven innings, helped start three double plays, hit a three-run home run and even found Dusty Baker's toothpick.




Tigers 8, Nationals 3. A week ago, Detroit had lost consecutive series to the Royals and Whitesox, which is the equivalent of losing four of six to the Chico's Bail Bonds Bears, pre-Kelly Leak. Since, the Tigers have won six straight, including Jeremy Bonderman's seven Ks and two hits in seven innings that finished a sweep of Washington. Ramon Santiago, who had just six hits in June, picked up his first four-hit day since last May 17.

Royals 5, Astros 2. Somebody break up the Royals, because they've won five of seven. That's all I've got.