Bartolo Colon Attempting Comeback By Not Being Fat

I've made fun of Bartolo Colon over the years because I find fat athletes hilarious and he wasn't a very good pitcher. Colon threw 62.1 innings in 2009 for the White Sox and hasn't thrown over 100 innings since 2005. But it was a joy to watch that round Dominican try to find the strike zone or Weeble Wobble his way over to cover first base. Well those glory days might be all behind us now friends. The news coming out of Cleveland is that Colon is planning on pitching again but 40 pounds slimmer.

I know. I, too, am disappointed at the lost opportunity for any future fat Bartolo Colon jokes. Unless, of course, he falls off the Ho Hos wagon. *fingers crossed* Let's take a look at a few of the items Colon had to remove from his normal diet to lose the weight with an assist from our friends at This Is Why You're Fat...

Burrito Unicorn

He didn't actually give these up choice; he ate them out of extinction. Now you will only be able to tell your children stories about the mystical and glorious Burrito Unicorn.

Doughnut Pizza

Move over Wheaties, there's a new breakfast of champions in town. Nothing gets you out of the gate and ready for a productive day like a sixer of PBR and a donut the size of a pizza. Ready, set, nap.

Philly Taco

Okay, that one actually looks awesome. That is a Philly cheesesteak wrapped in a slice of pizza. Somebody should give the inventor some kind of award. Like a bronzed cholesterol.

Pop Tart Sushi

This is the only type of sushi Colon used to eat. It's crushed up pop tarts rolled in fruit roll ups. His favorite was the Dynamite S'mores Roll.

The 50 Pound Burger

Bart was a big fan of any meal that required a chainsaw as part of the table setting.