I Love Ozzie Guillen

I love Ozzie Guillen and it's not just because the one part of the English language he mastered is profanity. He's cocky, abrasive, has no filter and I suspect he drinks quite a bit. He's just like your one uncle except he's had a job since 2004 and doesn't have to introduce himself as registered sex offender to the neighbors.

But Guillen isn't have a great season at the helm of the Pale Hose. The White Sox are 77-82 with three games to play and 15 games out of the AL Central, a division many, including yours truly, picked them to win. It's hard to pin the disappointing season all on Guillen. Of qualified American League players, the Sox have two of the worst five in fWAR (Fanrgraphs Wins Above Replacement) and three of the bottom 15. And that doesn't include Adam Dunn and his MLB worst -2.8 fWAR.

Guillen, however, doesn't want to point fingers at some of the historically bad performances of his players and would give his own performance the lowest grade possible...

For proof of that, look at what Guillen said when asked recently what grade he'd give himself for 2011.

"Z," he said.

"You're the man," Guillen said. "You make the lineup. So many things are on your shoulders. You have to be honest with yourself. I don't think this team went where it was supposed to be. I don't see why not give myself a Z. I don't play to be a second-place or third-place team."

Despite his own harsh grade, Guillen made it clear what he's looking for from the Sox after a meeting with Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf...

"(Bleep) more years, I want more money," Guillen said. "I don’t work here for years. No, I want more money. Years, what, I’m going to die poor with the White Sox. Hell, no. Listen this is my job. It’s the only thing I can do. I have to make money out of somewhere. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, where you’ll have a job for the rest of your life.

"Life is about money. People don’t believe that. People are happy after they make money."

Yeah! That lousy $2 million I'm supposed to make next year will barely cover the overhead for my pygmy hippopotamus farm! I should have gone to law school! Or doctor school!

Guillen did say that he wanted to stay with the White Sox organization and his relationship with GM Kenny Williams would remain very respectful. You know, as long as they back that truck full of cash up to his drive way.

He declined to say if he'd quit if he didn't get a lucrative extension. There are some dire repercussions for the Guillen household though if he does find himself out of work...

"I’ve got to talk to my wife, and she’s got to cut the shopping process and Ozzie (Jr.) has got to quit drinking a little bit and Oney has to go to work a little bit," Guillen quipped. "Ozney has got to go to public school and hopefully get a scholarship somewhere, a lot of (stuff). My mom’s got to cut a little bit, my dad’s got to get healthy, my sister’s got to find a rich man.

"There’s a lot behind the scenes. My captain and my boat, I’ve got to cut that thing down. There’s a lot of things I’ve got to pay. We’ll see what happens, I don’t know yet."

Um, this needs to be a reality TV show like yesterday. Seriously, Bravo, VH1, MTV, TLC (if they can get a little person in the cast), MLB network, I don't care. Somebody put the Guillens on TV immediately.

I was relieved to hear that Ozzie (Jr) only has to quit drinking a little bit. I follow Oney on Twitter and, if he's any indication, Ozney can just drop out of school now. Maybe they can date some Kardashians.

UPDATE: Guillen said Monday night's game would be his last as the White Sox manager.

Adam Dunn Realizes He's Awful

Adam Dunn has spent the past two games watching the White Sox from the bench as baseball's version of a healthy scratch. While it was two of his better games in July, it gave him some time to reflect on his regrettable season. Despite owning Dunn in fantasy baseball, this is becoming one of my favorite stories of the year. Dunn, one of MLB's most consistent power hitters for 10 years, mysteriously turned into the little league kid who swings with his eyes closed.

Dunn's .158/.289/.299 line is embarrassingly the lowest of his otherwise underrated career. How bad has it gotten for Dunn? His .273 wOBA (weighted On Base Average) is the exact same as uber bust Brandon Wood. (Sorry to pick on you, Brandon. I'll still root for you when you're a Yuma Scorpion next year.) At least Dunn realizes he's a shell of the shell of his former self and even talked retirement with Yahoo! Sports...

“Flat out. I’ll go home. I mean that. Swear to goodness. I’ll. Go. Home. I enjoy playing. Even though I suck. Or have been sucking. I enjoy playing the game. Love it. But as soon as I lose that, I’m gone, dude. It’s true."

snip

“How many games can you play doing this? This is ridiculous."

But Sox GM Kenny Williams shouldn't be expecting a check for the rest of Dunn's $56 million contract in the mail anytime soon. Dunn may acknowledge his suckitude and talk a good game about quitting but that doesn't mean he's actually going to...

“It’s not going to happen,” he says. “Zero chance. Zero. You can’t get this competition anywhere else, dude. I don’t care where you look. Nowhere else. It’s one-on-one, dude. And you can’t find that anywhere."

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Adam, but what you're doing right now doesn't count as competition. I'd suggest taking up ping pong but with your recent struggles making contact with a ball maybe you'd be better served joining a Skee Ball league. I hear those dudes are getting pretty serious plus with enough tickets you can get a sweet mustache comb.

Francisco Liriano's Strange No-Hitter

I'm not going to spend too much time dissecting Francisco Liriano's first no-hitter of the 2011 season. There is already more analysis on the Internet than one person can absorb but I'd be remiss if I didn't get a little Off Base perspective on it. I've always been a fan of Liriano and had high hopes for him to at least hover around his stellar 2.66 FIP 2010 season. But 2011 couldn't have gotten off to a worse start unless Liriano had recorded a DUI (owns one in 2006) or fallen down a flight of stairs carrying deer meat.

In April, Liriano sported a 9.13 ERA with 18 walks, 18 strikeouts and 4 home runs. And all of the surrounding metrics are just as ugly. His walk, flyball and home run rates are all up and strand percentage and velocity are down from 2010. I think I saw him throw it underhand once. But in May, Liriano has a no-hitter. It wasn't pretty and it was against the White Sox but I'm pretty sure it still counts.

I still believe in Liriano's talents. The missing velo might very well be one of those "that time of year" things and the relative ineffectiveness of his slider may be a confidence issue. So Tuesday's no-hitter might end up being the start that turns Liriano's season around. He no-hit the White Sox on 123 pitches (66 strikes) while walking 6 and only striking out 2. But if you can look past that and the fact that the White Sox are 24th in baseball in wOBA and last in WAR, then maybe you can see some hope for Liriano.

However you want to look at it though, Liriano's no-hitter was one of those little nuggets of randomness that baseball is known for. It was flukey and took a perfect storm of strange sequences to get there but that's how the game works. Liriano was little erratic but kept the ball down and kept it in the infield when he needed to. Amazingly, he had 6 innings with 12 or fewer pitches despite throwing first pitch balls to 19 of the 30 hitter he faced.

At the end of the season, though, most of us will just remember that Liriano had one of the four no hitters of the 2011 season.