Jose Cano Is Not A Good Pitcher

Robinson Cano blasted his way past Adrian Gonzalez Monday night to capture the 2011 Home Run Derby crown. It was quite the show. Cano hit a record breaking 12 home runs in the final round including the 472-foot winner with four outs to go. Some writers suggested this was Cano's coming out party or whatnot. Although I thought Cano was a long shot to win, it's not like he's been flying under the radar. Cano is a Yankee after all and has had an ISO over .200 for the past two seasons and .199 in 2009. I don't think a Home Run Derby championship was needed to get a 25-30 home run per season second baseman playing in New York some attention.

The other angle played up in every post/article/conversation about Cano's victory is, of course, that he had his father pitching to him during the competition. Jose Cano surrendered home run after home run to his son. I would have preferred to see Jose throw one high and inside just to remind Robbie who's the boss (it was Angela) but what do I know about parenting. The closest I've come is using my 4-year-old nephew to try to pick up women in the park. It was a really cool story though. Then we all needed to be reminded that Jose Cano was a former Houston Astros pitcher. Which is true.

The elder Cano pitched 23 innings in 1989. He gave up 24 hits, 13 runs, 2 homers and walked 7 for a 5.09 ERA. I'm pretty sure giving up 32 homers to his son will be the much fonder baseball memory. Either way, I felt it was my duty to point out that Jose Cano is/was a lousy pitcher. If you include his Home Run Derby performance, by my math, his MLB career ERA would be around 900.

We still have a soft spot in our hearts for Jose here. At last year's All Star game festivities, he asked occasional Off Base editor Derwood to take a picture with him. Derwood is the short white guy not wearing the "Team Cano" shirt if any of you were confused.

The Real All-Stars Come Out in Anaheim

Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer, Alex Rodriguez-all household names. But who were the real all-stars in Angels Stadium the past three days? Here's the Offbase all-star team, voted in by the members of the Paynow Grocery Store produce department based on career achievement.


Offbase All Stars
Manager - Papa Dawg



Career record: 169-302 in parts of six seasons with the San Vinson Vipers and the Qwayne Valley Riverrats of the Independent-Backwood League.

Claim to fame: Once ate seven ounces of infield dirt during an argument with an umpire.

Secret shame: As manager of Qwayne Valley, he dressed up Nancy "Heater" Rebsin as "Ned Resbin" for a 2008 playoff game. After two scoreless innings, Rebsin had her hat fly off during a windy third inning, revealing her strawberry blonde hair. As a result, the Riverrats forfeited the game and in the Blue parking lot, a gang of hooligans made off with several road cones. Papa Dawg was blamed for both incidents and fired the next day.


1B - Brian Wallenfang, No. 10



Career stats: .225/.239/.307 in eight seasons with Paintlick Hardware softball team.

Career highlight: none

Lowlight: After an argument with first-base umpire Verne Corey (July, 1998), was beaten to near-death by the first-base bag.


2B - Mick Teto, No. 14



Career stats: Led Ernie League in 1999 with 104 ground outs.

Highlight: During recent Teto family wiffle ball game, struck out Grandma Cathy in three consecutive at bats.

Lowlight: Suspended in May, 2007 after testing positive for performance-enhancing koala bear fur.


SS - Julio Oseguera, No. 11



Career stats: Hit .196 in only season in Uruguay Winter League (2002).

Highlight: Opposite-field single off Ronnie Paulding put runners at first and second with no one out in the fourth inning. The Canelones Asados didn't score and lost 11-3.

Lowlight: Lived underneath right-field bleachers at Asados Stadium (November-December, 2002).


3B - Bobby Ortiz, No. 61



Career stats: Hit 8 of 30 total pitches thrown (60 M.P.H.) at 17th Avenue Bert's Batting Cage, July 7, 2010.

Highlight: Named his new bat Sawed Off.

Lowlight: Got confused during a transaction with some neighborhood kids and accidentally traded bat for a half-eaten bologna sandwich.

RF - Don Love, No. 44



Career stats: OPS+ of 9 in four seasons for Team 7 of the Oscar Park Co-Ed Thursday League

Highlight: Sacrifice bunt (June, 2007)

Lowlight: Opening day 2008, had season-ending injury in first-inning at bat after violent sneeze.


CF - Manny Jabba, No. 50



Career stats: 3.7 PPG for Kerner High School. [Never played baseball].

Highlight: Elected to Jabba Family Hall of Fame.

Lowlight: Suffered index finger injury on bus ride to induction; lost fingernail.


LF - Burt Long, No. 3



Career stats: .170 OBP for 1982 Wotts Valley Renegades.

Highlight: Purchased No. 3 jersey, personally stitched LONG on back.

Lowlight: Replaced on 1983 Renegades by squirrel (Otto).


C - Johnny Anaheim, No. 26



Career stats: 11 sacrifice bunts

Highlight: Changed last name to Anaheim after Angels defeated Boston 2-0, April 3, 1997.

Lowlight: Former last name: Zurclinoff


SP - Gavin Larmore, No. 3



Career stats: 29-76, 9.47 ERA, 6 PANTS FALLINGS

Highlight: none

Lowlight: Swallowed a rosin bag during bench-clearing brawl (July, 2000)

Oversized Yadier Molina Jerseys & the Fall of Cracker Jack Prizes

ANAHEIM - It's amazing that the 81st All-Star Game at Angels Stadium will largely be remembered for a force out at second base. Trailing 3-1 and facing LA closer Jonathan Broxton in the bottom of the ninth, the American League got a lead off single from David Ortiz. After Adrian Beltre struck out on a 98-M.P.H. fastball, John Buck blooped what looked to be a single to right field. Unfortunately for the AL, Ortiz was caught in no-man's land and is also the second-slowest mammal on the face of the earth after my sister's cat Willy.



Right fielder Marlon Byrd flipped to Rafael Furcal at short and in 24 hours the home run derby champ had become the running to second base runner-up.

Pops Derwood (Cubs fan) after Byrd's assist: "He should get the MVP for that."

After I calmed PD down, we watched Ian Kinsler fly out to center on one pitch and the NL had its first win since 1996. Atlanta catcher Brian McCann, who got the only huge hit of the night, a three-run double in the seventh off Matt Thornton that turned out to be the difference in a 3-1 win, picked up MVP honors.

The year of the missed pitch by two feet

As it has most of the 2010 season, pitching dominated the mid-summer classic. Not only were guys like Price, Broxton and Justin Verlander consistently tossing in the mid-to-high-90s, but world-class hitters were missing pitches by a foot. Sometimes multiple feet. There were 18 strike outs in the game, 10 by AL hurlers (and three straight from Crazy Jose Valverde in the ninth), eight from the senior circuit, and there was a lot of bad contact.

FOX showed a graphic during the middle innings: Fastest Pitches of Game. Price led the way with a 100 M.P.H heater, while Verlander and Marlins' ace Josh Johnson each topped out at a pathetic 99. That means if MLB built a super player with the discarded parts of that trio, he'd be Price Verljohnson and he'd throw 298 M.P.H.



First Chun Chen, now you guys?

Chen used a red catcher's mitt in Sunday's Futures Game, and now this: NL teammates David Wright and Brian Wilson each wore orange spikes Tuesday. Of course, Wright went 2-for-2 and Wilson pitched a perfect eighth, so maybe I'm the only one that doesn't think two major league baseball players should've borrowed their shoes from the Parkview High School (GA) fast pitch softball team.

Early Christmas gift ideas for Pops Derwood

Pre-game:

Pops Derwood: "I think I want a Yadier Molina jersey."

Derwood:

PD: "Everyone should have one of those. XXL."

D: "You want an over sized Yadier Molina jersey?"

PD: "....nah."

Buy me some peanuts and a perforated image of George Washington?

Like Steve Trout after 46 1/3 innings with the 1987 Yankees, Cracker Jack may be done.



The ballpark favorite is quickly becoming an afterthought among the nation's young baseball fans with Dippin Dots and cigarettes all the rage nowadays. Even more alarming are the prizes. Cracker Jack used to give away whistles and miniature comic books. PD got a bag (not a box) at the game and his prize was a small booklet talking about George Washington and a perforated picture of Washington as a young man with a chance to fold the edges to reveal him as an adult!

What kid at a summer baseball game would want to do the exact same thing he just did for six months in school?

A kid called No One, that's what kid.

Tim Salmon Lets Celebrity Softball Fame Go to His Head

ANAHEIM - Before we get to the 81st ASG, I'm going to share a short story. MTD is a big Angels and Tim Salmon fan, and I promised I'd bring him something back from the Big A. Perhaps one of Vlad's dreadlocks, a picture of Mike Scioscia's giant head, or even Salmon if he wasn't too heavy. Sunday and Monday: no luck. But Tuesday afternoon I attended a pre-game party in the Stadium parking lot and like every attendee, received a free Angels' All-Star Game hat. I figured this was the best I was going to do for our pal MTD, until I saw Salmon walking through the gate and into the stadium. After an about-face on an escalator, which brought cries of "hey jerk, this thing is going UP," and "hey jerk, there's no smoking on the escalator," I caught up to Salmon.

Derwood: "Tim, can you sign this hat for a friend of mine? He's a big Angels fan and you're one of his favorite players. Plus, he needs something to keep company the tube sock he stole from Adam Kennedy in 2003."

Tim Salmon: "I'm talking to a friend of mine actually right now."

D: "Tim, can you just write 'To MTD,' and sign your name? It'll take four seconds. Three seconds if I hold the hat."

TS: (Gives a look to his friend as if to say, Does this guy know who I am? I'm Tim Salmon. I took Jennie Finch deep in the celebrity softball game Sunday and won MVP honors.) "I'm just signing my name."



D: "You can't just write the letters T, O, M, T and D and then sign your name?"

[Gives a disgusted look and signs hat. Walks away with friend to meet Gary Disarcina for a pre-game wine cooler. *Speculation*]

So MTD got his hat



and I found a new reason to hate the 2002 Angels.


**UPDATE**
7/14/10, 1:22 a.m.

MC Hammer also homered in the celebrity softball game.

Derwood & Margaret Sitting in the Designated Smoking Area

ANAHEIM - I'll start with a quick conversation I had with Pops Derwood before Monday's Home Run Derby.

Derwood: "I think if they told me I could do one thing before I die, I would ask to shag flies during the HR Derby, just so it could get down to the player's final out, trailing by one home run in the championship round, and I could leap up and rob a home run. Player loses hr derby. And it would have to be the guy playing in his home park. I'd be like Steve Bartman, but for good, not evil."

Pops Derwood (Cubs fan): "Thanks for bringing up Steve Bartman. How long does this thing last?"

D: "About three hours. Really, do you think you would've done well in a home run derby, Mr. One Home Run In High School And There's No Official Record Of It?"

PD: "At least I hit a home run in high school."

D: "That ball I hit on the junior varsity team in 1995 was not a double and a two-base error. That scorekeeper should never have been allowed in a press box, I don't care if she was the assistant principal's daughter and it was her birthday."

PD: "I think you need help. No, I would've been good in this event. What time is it, 5:00? I was a 5:00 hitter. I was the best 5:00 hitter in the history of baseball. From 5:00-6:00, I hit .600. Then from 7:00-10:00 I hit about a buck-58."

D: "I was even earlier than that. I was in the batting cage the day before, hitting ropes off the 60 M.P.H. machine. I was a 2:30 the day before hitter."


And that brings us to the 2010 Derby, because isn't that what we all are-2:30 the day before hitters? That's why we come to Anaheim Stadium to watch these behemoths, and Nick Swisher, wallop baseballs into people, and to watch Golf Glove Man:



Let's play Good/Bad with the '10 Derby

Good - No Chris Berman as Master of Ceremonies.

Bad - Chris Rose was Master of Ceremonies.

Good - Spicy mustard at Angels Stadium.



Dear Baseball Stadiums Which Don't Offer Spicy Mustard,

Offer spicy mustard.

Sincerely,
Offbasepercentage.com


Bad - Corey Hart hit 13 home runs in the first round, including 11 in his first 15 swings. But in the second round, Hart's beard got in the way and the Milwaukee right fielder took an 0-fer.

Good - Ruben the police horse.



Bad - After the derby ended, Ruben the police horse had an accident and everyone had to watch.



Good - Hanley Ramirez, who hit scalding line drives all night, hit 11 in the second round to join Ortiz (13) in the final.

Bad - Ramirez, who got hot early in the final but cooled off, losing 11-5 to Ortiz.

Good - Willie McGee was in the house.



Bad - This Angels logo:



Good - Margaret, an usher who scolded me for leaving the designated smoking area, but when I told her I was just finding a place with less wind to light the cigarette, agreed to become my best friend/possible girlfriend.



Bad - Rose: "Big Papi working up a sweat now." Thankfully they didn't show that on the giant scoreboard in right.

All-Star Fan Fest Scavenger Hunt

ANAHEIM - After a good breakfast and 11 cigarettes, I visited the All-Star Fan Fest at the Convention Center. I had a short list of photos I needed to obtain.


1. Someone in a Pittsburgh Pirates jersey making balloon animals



2. An Oddibe McDowell autographed photo selling for $20



3. Kansas City Royals anything



4. A John Grabow autographed photo selling for $12




4-for-4, or what I like to call the bizarro-Alvaro Espinoza.

All-Star Game Trivia

Derwood is headed to Anaheim with his Jorge Posada batting practice shirt and 17 pens. Stay with Offbase over the next three days for All-Star coverage from a career .180 hitter.


Quick trivia question for our Offbase readers:


What is the biggest attraction at the Anaheim Marriott?

A) Ernie Banks
B) Complimentary toothpaste at the front desk
C) Andouille Sausage Hash at Cafe de la Soul
D) Mickey Mouse statue

Answer: D

People can't get enough of this thing. Sunday I saw a line to take a picture with Mickey Mouse in an all-star game hat. Babies, grandfolks: everyone wanted a photo. Meanwhile, Ozzie Smith roams the lobby looking for a friend.

Celebrity Softball Game

ANAHEIM - I'm pretty sure if I sat through an entire game of celebrity softball at an all-star game, I could win some kind of writing award for weirdos. But that would mean I'd have to sit through an entire game of celebrity softball. Instead, I just ran screaming.

Futures Game, Chun Chen and the 9,107th-best Fun Runner in Anaheim

Derwood is headed to Anaheim with his Jorge Posada batting practice shirt and 17 pens. Stay with Offbase over the next three days for All-Star coverage from a career .180 hitter.


ANAHEIM - A lot to get to after day one of the all-star festivities wrapped up from Angel Stadium. I thought the Futures Game, a team of some of the top American minor leaguers against a team of the foreign minor leaguers, was an excellent idea from its inception in 1999 when Alfonso Soriano was the MVP in the World's 7-0 victory over the USA. I also thought it was excellent idea for the Yankees to trade Soriano for Alex Rodriguez after the 2003 season. Both dreams came true, and the Futures Game is alive and well with the 12th installment taking place Sunday afternoon.

Hometown boys make good

MTD has been cheating on Chase Utley while the Philly second baseman spends time on the DL. Some called it puppy love, but now MTD is seeing Angels' prospect Mike Trout. The Anaheim faithful love the kid, too, and after pinch-running in the first, he had an infield single, reached on an error and later had a hustle double in the eighth off Mets' prospect Jeurys Familia. Trout was over-shadowed by another Anaheim product, catcher Hank Conger, who snuck a three-run home run into the first row of seats in right field in the fifth inning, and picked up MVP honors.



Should've been you, Eric

Conger had a big home run, but KC minor leaguer Eric Hosmer was the best hitter on the field Sunday. Hosmer, who is having a huge season for the Wilmington Blue Rocks of the Class A Advanced Carolina League (.349/.424/.540), went 4-for-5 with a double and two RBIs hitting in between Trout and Conger.

No runs for you

After US starter Jeremy Hellickson gave up a run in the second on an fielder's choice RBI by Wilin Rosario (Colorado Rockies), nine pitchers combined to hold the World team to eight hits (seven singles) in seven scoreless innings of work. That was like the time in RBI Baseball when Jack Clark took me deep for a two-run home run in the first, then Fernando Valuenzela, John Franco and Steve Bedrosian shut the Cards down the rest of the way. I poured Diet Coke on myself in celebration.

Chun Chen!

Best name in baseball. During the late innings, the PA announcer at Angel Stadium started calling him Chun-Hsiu Chen, which I guess is his real name. But I can't accept that. He'll always be Chun Chen to me.

Chun Chen?

Chen used a red catcher's mitt. I also can't accept that.


Around the ballpark...

* The PA announcer started the top of the first with: "Leading off for the World, the second baseman, No. 13, Brett Lawrie." That's a lot of pressure to put on Brett Lawrie.

* NIKE, some floundering shoe company, sponsored a 5K & Fun Run early Sunday morning. Each runner received a number, but this guy was the only one that wore his during the Futures Game.



No. 9,197 in your programs, No. 9,197 in your hearts.

* It got worse for the Red Gloved Menace. In the sixth, Chen's battery mate on the mound was Boston minor leaguer Stolmy Pimentel, who also wore a red glove. It was the first time in Futures Game history that a Chun and a Stolmy each used a red glove and a Derwood in section 426, row D, seat 8 choked on sunflower seeds simultaneously.



Fransisco Peguero's girlfriend always brings a book to the Giants prospect's games, so they agreed that Francisco can bring his unicycle when she wants to go shoe shopping.



Not actually Brian Downing. I asked.

Jose Cano Welcomes Derwood to Anaheim

ANAHEIM - I walk into the Anaheim Marriott, and who is in the lobby, waiting to take a picture with me? Robinson Cano's father, Jose.

"Derwood! Come over here and take a picture with me," Jose will say from now on when I tell the story.



As of 12:22 p.m. PST, my early attempts to get Robbie and my father together for a photo have been unsuccessful.


* UPDATE - 1:38 p.m. PST *

Finally, Mr. Cub and Mr. Sparta Little League 11-Year Old All-Stars meet

AL Also Favored in HR Derby

Derwood is headed to Anaheim with his Jorge Posada batting practice shirt and 17 pens. Stay with Offbase over the next three days for All-Star coverage from a career .180 hitter.


* UPDATE - 8:57 p.m., EST *
Bud Selig just announced the winning league at the hr derby secures home field advantage at next year's All Star Legends & Celebrity Softball Game.


"Next time, for Matthew Modine, it counts"


I haven't done any research, but I'm assuming Chris Berman will once again be involved in the home run derby. Normally this would be the spot where I apologize to the Offbase readers because you'll have to hear Berman on your television, where as I get to be there live and avoid that jerk. But I'm pretty sir his voice is amplified on the PA system during the derby, so everybody loses.

Anyway, in preparation for our live coverage of the all star festivities, I took a quick glance at the home run derby rosters.

AL: Nick Swisher, David Ortiz, Vernon Wells, Miguel Cabrera

Favorite: Cabrera. Have you seen this youngster lately? Over the last few years he's added a Juan Pierre of muscle and this is a perfect event for a hulking man with a head that seems to grow by the second (see: Sosa, Sammy).

Sleepers: Wells. I know, the smart bananas would be on Ortiz because no one has a bigger head than Big Poopy, but I like Wells. For a right-handed hitter, those giant Flinstones rocks in left-center are quite inviting/dumb.

Sentimental favorite: Swisher. Quite a run for Swish the last two years. He went from playing smart ball for an idiot and having to see Ken Harrelson's face 162 times a year to being the starting right fielder for the Yankees, her, and now he's in his first all-star game and participating in the HR derby.

NL: Hanley Ramirez, Corey Hart, Matt Holliday, Chris Young

Favorite: Hart. Probably the best pure power hitter of the quartet, but if anyone in my section at Angels Stadium knows who this guy is, I'll eat my Mark Langston bobblehead doll.

Sleeper: Holliday. He did well in the '07 derby in San Fransisco and you know what they say about guys participating in two home run derbys on the same coast, three years apart: each time, the winner of the next day's all star game SECURES HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE FOR THEIR LEAGUE IN THE WORLD SERIES. That may not be the last time I mention home field advantage over the next three days.


PICK: Cabrera over Hart in final