With the news that 50-year old Howard Johnson was coming out of retirement to play for the Rockland Boulders of the Independent Can-Am League, the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League, led by player-manager Jose Canseco, are expected to make a move.
Offbase received an official transcript from inside the Scorpions war room where Canseco, his brother Ozzie, a photograph of Robert Redford and an imaginary canary named Bernie were meeting to discuss a counter move to the Boulders' signing of Johnson.
[6:51 p.m. MST]
Jose - OK. Listen, Rockland got Johnson. What do we do?
Ozzie - Is....
Jose (interrupting) - Wait, shut up! Is Tom Brunansky available?
Ozzie, speaking as the photograph of Robert Redford - Last I heard he was playing for the Covington Sparrows.
Jose - What league do they play in?
Ozzie/Redford photo - I made them up.
Jose - OK, photo of Robert Redford, could you please step outside the room for five minutes?
[Ozzie places photo on the floor outside the door. Closes door.]
Thank you.
Ozzie - Wait a minute, I think I've got it: Alou.
Jose - Moises?! That's great. He could play left field and...
Ozzie (interrupting) - No, Felipe Alou.
Jose - Felipe. (thinking). Let's send a scout to wherever he's playing tomorrow night.
Ozzie - Well, he retired in 1974, but I think if we tell him about all Yuma has to offer, he'd be up for taking a pay cut to be the fourth outfielder.
Jose - What does Yuma have to offer?
Ozzie - That Chinese restaurant that gives you extra orange slices.
Jose - OK, good. Who else?
Ozzie - F.P. Santangelo?
[Everyone laughs]
Jose - Seriously, though: any other suggestions?
Bernie the canary (whispering in Jose's ear) - What about Howard Johnson?
Jose - I like it, I like it a lot. Is he signed with anyone?
Ozzie - Rumor is he signed with the Rockland Boulders.
Jose - What if we try to lure Johnson away from Rockland?
Ozzie - Well, he signed with the team mainly so he could play with his son.
Jose - OK, so we tell Johnson that his son actually plays for Yuma. Then we get the son AND we get Howard Johnson!
Ozzie/Redford photo - Maybe the team is fine the way it is.
Jose - That's it, photograph of Robert Redford, you're on the bench tonight!
Editor's note: Bernie the canary flew out of an open window, Jose canceled batting practice and then tried to hail a taxi to the sun.
[Transcript ends.]
Showing posts with label yuma scorpions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yuma scorpions. Show all posts
Friday, September 2, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Canseco-Scorpions Experience Off To A Strange/Hilarious Start
Jose and Ozzie Canseco made their Yuma Scorpions debut Tuesday in a doubleheader against the Calgary Vipers, and the calamities which followed could only be described as exactly what everyone expected.
Ozzie, who famously singled off Bruce Hurst in 1992, strained his quadriceps in the fifth inning of game one trying to beat out an infield hit.
"I was just hustling down the line," Ozzie said. "Just wanted to make sure I made a good example in terms of hustling on a ground ball."
The Cansecos: setting good examples since the fifth inning of Tuesday's game.
Of course, a game in which Ozzie Canseco gets hurt would not be complete without Jose Canseco also getting hurt. Jose left game two with a biceps strain, presumably from swatting away the talking butterfly circling his head.
"We'll see how it is tomorrow," Jose said. "It felt like a sharp knife went in there or something. Hopefully it's a bad strain or a pull."
Hopefully.
Jose and his coaching staff-a clipboard named "Clippy" and a drawing of a hippo-also made an error before the games even started, forgetting to write pitcher J.J. Leaper's name on the lineup card. When Canseco tried to put Leaper in the game in the fourth inning, umpires pulled Canseco's pants down and sprayed him with a mayonnaise hose. Well, actually that's what I would've done if I was the umpire. The real umpire ruled Leaper ineligible to pitch.
"I was in shock, saying, 'OK, this can't be happening,'" said Jose. "Hopefully, this doesn't happen again."
Hopefully it does.
Ozzie, who famously singled off Bruce Hurst in 1992, strained his quadriceps in the fifth inning of game one trying to beat out an infield hit.
"I was just hustling down the line," Ozzie said. "Just wanted to make sure I made a good example in terms of hustling on a ground ball."
The Cansecos: setting good examples since the fifth inning of Tuesday's game.
Of course, a game in which Ozzie Canseco gets hurt would not be complete without Jose Canseco also getting hurt. Jose left game two with a biceps strain, presumably from swatting away the talking butterfly circling his head.
"We'll see how it is tomorrow," Jose said. "It felt like a sharp knife went in there or something. Hopefully it's a bad strain or a pull."
Hopefully.
Jose and his coaching staff-a clipboard named "Clippy" and a drawing of a hippo-also made an error before the games even started, forgetting to write pitcher J.J. Leaper's name on the lineup card. When Canseco tried to put Leaper in the game in the fourth inning, umpires pulled Canseco's pants down and sprayed him with a mayonnaise hose. Well, actually that's what I would've done if I was the umpire. The real umpire ruled Leaper ineligible to pitch.
"I was in shock, saying, 'OK, this can't be happening,'" said Jose. "Hopefully, this doesn't happen again."
Hopefully it does.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Editor's Meeting
MTD lives in New Orleans and Derwood built a cabin out of sticks and mud in Conyers, so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's the latest back-and-forth entitled "Jose Canseco, Part 17".
MTD (4:06 p.m.): Oh.My.God. The Yuma Scorpions have hired Jose Canseco as a player-manager. Ozzie will also be a coach. This is the best thing that's happened to me in a week.
Derwood Morris (4:07 p.m.): Four things: 1. Outstanding. 2. How can we get tickets and/or a minority stake in the franchise? 3. Who the hell are the Yuma Scorpions? 4. OUTSTANDING.
MTD (4:09 p.m.): I'm thinking a couple hundred gets us an ownership stake. I'll look into it.
DM (4:11 p.m.): How long do you give him before he pencils two Cansecos on the lineup card, 1-2 in the order?
MTD (4:14 p.m.): One game. It appears they are owned by Diamond Sports & Entertainment, which might be an Arizona porn company.
DM (4:17 p.m.): With apologies to Cousin Eddie, the Jelly of the Month Club is not the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. It's Jose Canseco.
MTD (4:20 p.m.): I would buy a subscription to those games online.
DM (4:21 p.m.): I may move to Yuma.
MTD (4:24 p.m.): Shit, me too. I hear Yuma is lovely.
DM (4:28 p.m.): Over/under games managed by Ozzie for various reasons?
MTD (4:32 p.m.): Ozzie is serving as player/catcher-hitting coach. But, depending on Jose's prior commitments, like fighting an ostrich in Mexico, Ozzie probably manages a dozen or so games.
DM (4:34 p.m.): The ostrich will be starting in right field by May 2nd.
MTD (4:38 p.m.): Seriously, let's relocate Offbase headquarters to Yuma. Plus if we lived in Yuma, there's a good shot I'd finally get to play right field again after a disastrous season when I was 8.
DM (4:42 p.m.): The ostrich will have RF locked down by then, but you can battle Ozzie, my Uncle Ernie and a poster of Danny Tartabull for the 4th outfielder spot.
MTD (4:50 p.m.): I'm not sure how this got started, but now I want an ostrich farm when I get to Yuma. OK, over/under Jose home runs?
DM (4:55 p.m.): That depends on if the field has a fence. If it has a fence, I say 10 real, 32 imaginary.
MTD (4:06 p.m.): Oh.My.God. The Yuma Scorpions have hired Jose Canseco as a player-manager. Ozzie will also be a coach. This is the best thing that's happened to me in a week.
Derwood Morris (4:07 p.m.): Four things: 1. Outstanding. 2. How can we get tickets and/or a minority stake in the franchise? 3. Who the hell are the Yuma Scorpions? 4. OUTSTANDING.
MTD (4:09 p.m.): I'm thinking a couple hundred gets us an ownership stake. I'll look into it.
DM (4:11 p.m.): How long do you give him before he pencils two Cansecos on the lineup card, 1-2 in the order?
MTD (4:14 p.m.): One game. It appears they are owned by Diamond Sports & Entertainment, which might be an Arizona porn company.
DM (4:17 p.m.): With apologies to Cousin Eddie, the Jelly of the Month Club is not the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. It's Jose Canseco.
MTD (4:20 p.m.): I would buy a subscription to those games online.
DM (4:21 p.m.): I may move to Yuma.
MTD (4:24 p.m.): Shit, me too. I hear Yuma is lovely.
DM (4:28 p.m.): Over/under games managed by Ozzie for various reasons?
MTD (4:32 p.m.): Ozzie is serving as player/catcher-hitting coach. But, depending on Jose's prior commitments, like fighting an ostrich in Mexico, Ozzie probably manages a dozen or so games.
DM (4:34 p.m.): The ostrich will be starting in right field by May 2nd.
MTD (4:38 p.m.): Seriously, let's relocate Offbase headquarters to Yuma. Plus if we lived in Yuma, there's a good shot I'd finally get to play right field again after a disastrous season when I was 8.
DM (4:42 p.m.): The ostrich will have RF locked down by then, but you can battle Ozzie, my Uncle Ernie and a poster of Danny Tartabull for the 4th outfielder spot.
MTD (4:50 p.m.): I'm not sure how this got started, but now I want an ostrich farm when I get to Yuma. OK, over/under Jose home runs?
DM (4:55 p.m.): That depends on if the field has a fence. If it has a fence, I say 10 real, 32 imaginary.
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