Thursday, March 22, 2012

Was Lake Elsinore A Better Fit For Tebow?

If there's two things I love it's silly Minor League stunts. Love it when a team channels its inner Bill Veeck. Oh, I said two? Let's go with dogs wearing hats then. Yeah, that sounds classier than Internet porn.

Luckily, the Single-A team for the Padres came up with a wacky idea that also covered my new habit of writing about Tim Tebow everyday. After the Jets kinda-sorta-trade for Tebow was temporarily paused (because reading contracts is for Ivy Leaguers, jerk), the Lake Elsinore Storm stepped up to the plate with a proposal...

"We know that Tim was the cause for late-game comebacks in Denver and we have our own leader of rallies, the Rally Cop. We would like to offer the Broncos the Rally Cop as well as the Grounds Crew Gorilla, winner of an MiLB Golden Bobble head last season, in exchange for Tebow," said Jones.

The Storm will also be willing to rename the stadium Elway Stadium if the Broncos are willing to accept the offer.

Here's my question, do the people in the mascot costumes come in this deal? If not, will the mascot suits be dry cleaned in lieu of physicals? These are important details.

It's unclear what role Tebow would play on the team. As Storm GM Chris Jones said, "We're not sure about Tim's baseball past." That's cool. It's just Single-A. I'm pretty sure Tebow could hold his own in the low minors. Here's my scouting report...

"Tim Tebow is a gifted athlete who possesses full sets of both arms and legs. Dedicated, hard working and other synonyms, he comes to play everyday. A true locker room leader with good makeup. Mascara, foundation, lipstick (we think he's selling Mary Kay). Ability to throw a ball, results may vary."

*leans back in leather chair, waits for scouting job*

Jets Should Try Trading For Trevor Bauer

Unless you're my grandpa who can't work the Internet and watches the toaster oven for breaking news, you probably heard all about the New York Jets almost-kinda-maybe-still trade for Tim Tebow. Football is dead to me after the Saints got blackballed from the league following the bounty-system punishment. But I've been waiting to work this video into a post for a while now and, tah-dah! *auditions to write segues for CBS sitcoms*

The Diamondbacks top prospect and former UCLA star, Trevor Bauer, has a unique warm-up routine. It may not be a classic throwing motion for a quarterback but Joe Jackson threw prettier games than Tim Tebow.

There's a cutoff man to get the ball back to Bauer! That's crazy. Not as crazy as the Kim Bauer-cougar trap plot that showed up in season two of 24 but nobody could believe that one either.

Trevor Bauer appears to be able to throw a ball more accurately and for a longer distance than Tebow. Plus if Tebow plays in the same city as Derek Jeter and A-Rod, New York sports columnists will suffer multiple strokes having to watch TMZ.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A.J. Burnett in Master Bunter

If A.J. Burnett would have just waived his no trade clause to go to the Angels.

A.J. Burnett signed a 5-year, $82.5 million contract with the Yankees in 2009. But no matter how many neck tattoos he got, Burnett could never live up to the New York expectations. The media and fans gave Burnett hell for not performing to the massive contract. Distraught, and seeking approval, it's rumored Burnett even donned a pointed mask and fought crime one winter in Gotham. Unfortunately, armed only with a fastball and curveball, he rarely hit his target.

After Yankees GM Brian Cashman swung a blockbuster trade for young stud pitcher Michael Pineda, the writing was on the wall for our protagonist. A.J. was going to be traded. The Angels offered chubby malcontent Bobby Abreu for Burnett and the Yankees urged the right hander to waive his no trade. It was to no avail.

Burnett's young bride, a Maryland native, is terrified of flying. And who can blame her with all these motherf*cking snakes on these motherf*cking planes. It was back to the drawing board for Cashman.

The only other suitor was the Pittsburgh Pirates. Burnett would immediately become their best pitcher and perhaps a great trade chip if he pitched well in the National League. But a new obstacle would soon face A.J. For some archaic reason, in his new league, he'd have balls thrown at him too. Usually when the pitcher grabs a bat, there are two approaches. Flail wildly until you're sent back to the dugout or bunt.

On Thursday, Burnett would climb into the batting cage and begin his studies on the art of bunting. It went like this...

See, A.J. was no Master Bunter after all. He did make contact, that much is certain. Instead of hitting the ball into the ground, he took a different approach. Burnett sent that bunt screaming into his face. He'll need surgery for the broken orbital bone and is out indefinitely.

Is there a moral to this story? I'm glad you asked. Pitchers hitting is stupid. Designated Hitters for all leagues!

*One Burnett was injured during the writing of this post*