Happy 4th America And Vinny Castilla

[They ate 147 snausages in 7 minutes]

Joey Chestnut ate 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes to win another championship in an American classic. That's just the perfect way to celebrate the United States Independence Day. Over-zealous eating. Frankly, I'm surprised those competitive eaters aren't dunking their hot dog buns in bacon fat yet. But it's kinda, sorta 'Merica's brithday so we should breakout some Carvel Ice Cream cake and sprinkle it with hamburgers and beer. I'm worried about your health.

But before you blow your eyebrows off with a Roman Candle, let's celebrate some of baseball's Fourth of July birthdays...

Sergio Santos, 1983, Los Angeles, CA.
What seemed like a steal for the Blue Jays in a trade with the White Sox, Santos injured that thing used for throwing a ball and has missed much of the season.

I gave him
Another set back, I'm terrible at gift giving and wrapping. Lots of papercuts.


Amauri Sanit, 1979, La Habana, Cuba.
He pitched 7 innings for the Yankees in 2011 and gave up 10 earned runs on 12 hits and 3 walks.

I gave him
A new birth certificate that named him Ami Sant and made him 22-years-old. If that doesn't work out, free raft ride to the destination of his choosing.

Brendan Donnelly, 1971, Washington, DC.
Part of the unhitable Angels bullpen that won the World Series in 2002.

I gave him
My authentic J.T. Snow California Angels jersey to try to get it signed and sent back to me.

Vinny Castilla, 1967, Oaxaca, Mexico
He hit 191 home runs and .302/.348/.545 playing for Colorado between 1995 and 1999.

I gave him
A reverse humidor for all of those away games.


José Oquendo, 1963, Rio Piedras, PR.
The comedy twins/duo/sportsfans, Sklar brothers, lobbied for Oquendo's induction into the Hall of Fame. It's not going well.

I gave him
A Cooperstown t-shirt. Not a Hall of Fame t-shirt, just a Cooperstown t-shirt. It's not his size, either. Lots of disappointment.

Dan Larson, 1954, Los Angeles, CA.
Not the guy who threw a perfect game in the 1956 World Series. Which would have been extremely impressive for a two-year-old.

I gave him
The name Don Larsen.

There are plenty more including names like: Dot Fulghum, Stump Edington, Milt Reed, Duke Kenworthy, Pinky Swander and Chief Roseman.

So happy Fourth, everybody, and enjoy that cheeseburger stuffed porterhouse. I'm sure Obamacare will cover that heart attack.

What Does Zack Greinke Have For Breakfast At Home?

Brewers ace Zack Greinke has some pretty interesting home/road splits since joining Milwaukee in 2011. He's literally unbeatable at his home Miller Park running his record to 15-0 after Wednesday's beatdown of the Cubs. Greinke pitched seven shutout innings allowing just two hits and two walks while striking out 12. He is a monster at home. You think pitcher wins are a silly stat? Fine, so do I. Let's look at the nerdy numbers.

In 2011, Greinke had 3.13 ERA, 2.65 FIP, 2.26 xFIP, 11.27 K/9 and a 5.41 K/BB ratio at home. On the road, he had a 4.70 ERA, 3.39 FIP, 2.95 xFIP, 9.63 K/9 and a 3.57 K/BB ratio. This season has been no different. Well, maybe a little more extreme. At home, he's posting a 1.08 ERA, 1.42 FIP, 2.03 xFIP, 11.23 K/9 and a 6.50 K/BB ratio. The road gets a 5.93 ERA, 2.53 FIP, 2.81 xFIP, 8.60 K/9, 2.90 K/BB ratio version of Greinke.

It's gotta be the home park, right? Nah. It's breakfast at home...

"You're comfortable at home. You wake up in your bed," he said. "You don't have to go anywhere to get your breakfast and coffee. Sometimes, in the hotels they have bad coffee or something, so you have to go do other stuff. Then you get to come to the field in your car (at home).

"Our clubhouse is nice. In some of those clubhouses you don't have space to get ready. Here, you have a routine that's easy to do. There's lots of space. That helps a lot in making you comfortable."

Which begs the most important question in all of baseball right now. What kind of breakfast does Zack Greinke eat at home? After some exhaustive research and almost catching diabetes from my computer screen, I've come up with the possibilities. I mean, it is Wisconsin after all.

1. Cadbury Creme Eggs Benedict



Sliced doughnuts topped with brownie mix, melted Cadbury Creme Eggs and frosting, garnished with red sprinkles and served with fried pound cake chunks.

(submitted by Edgemere)

There is a 50-50 chance that Greinke wouldn't be able to pitch through the sugar induced coma. I'm not ruling it out though.

2. The Corndog-Egg



(submitted by KANNOLYA)

That thing has to be delicious. The egg protein offsets the fried cornbread making it a healthy breakfast treat. I'm a scientist in my free time. I bet Greinke has a carton of those before a home start. Or bushel or however they sell them.

3. The French Canadian



A poutine sandwich with french toast buns topped with maple syrup.

(Submitted by Jordan Elgie)

If I know my geography, Milwaukee is basically a province of Canada. So this mashup of breakfast and a Canadian classic might be whipped up in the Greinke household before he goes out and mows down hitters.

4. The Plowboy



Ham, scrambled eggs and onions over a bed of homefries topped with sausage gravy, bacon, cheddar and Jack cheese!

(submitted by Chris Mack via Ramona Cafe)

Zack-Attack? More like heart attack. Amirite? I can show myself out.

5. The Bacon Mug



A giant mug made out of bacon filled with cheddar cheese.

(submitted by K8)

Need something to get that awful taste of coffee out of your mouth? I submit the Bacon Mug which was almost certainly invented in Milwaukee.

Greinke will be a free agent after this season. If any of these breakfast solutions are the reason he pitches better at home, I suggest potential suitors check his cholesterol. He's a ticking time bomb.

[All images and descriptions and health concerns are provided by This Is Why You're Fat]

Ohio Is Trying To Out-Fat The Rest Of America

Occasionally, I'm going to rant about some nonsense and try to tie it into baseball. I can't promise it will always work. But let's see what happens.

Easily my favorite thing about minor league baseball is the caloric killers that teams invent to see if they can get your Uncle Jeb to sweat beef in August. In light of Ohio falling from 10th to 12th in percentage of obese residents, the Akron Aeros have stepped up their game for 2011. So tuck that bib into your moo moo and say a prayer for that elastic waistband, let's see what the Aeros are going to fill your lunch wheelbarrow with this season.

Three Dog Night

Unveiled in December, the Three Dog Night makes the Dodger Dog look like a cocktail wiener (hee-hee). Pure emasculation. Here's the full description...

Named after the late-60s rock band that popularized the song “Joy to the World,” the Aeros will be serving up a trio of ballpark favorites…all in one edible item. That is correct: the Three Dog Night will consist of a hot dog, inside of a bratwurst, inside of a kielbasa. And if that isn’t enough, the entire “dog” will be stuffed inside of a hoagie roll and topped with sauerkraut.

Weighing in at over a pound and an estimated 3,300 calories, the TDN is sure to shut down at least a few arteries. But at just $7, you might as well order a few. I assume your wife has your cardiologist on speed dial anyway. Huh, fatty?

Nice 2 Meat You Burger

This is the true inspiration of this post. I mean, who doesn't want their heart attack to come from a food pun? It's every mid-westerners dream. It looks like the Fifth Third Burger has finally met its match. Here are the deets...

Doubling the weight of the Three Dog Night, the new burger comes equipped with a 1.75 pounds of hamburger meat, stuffed with a half pound of hot dog, and a quarter pound of bacon, cheese, and onions.

The Nice 2 Meat You comes served on two kaiser rolls and, if you finish it, a bucket of shame and regret. Look at that thing. I'm not even sure how you would go about eating it but I'm pretty sure the ability to unhinge your jaw is a prerequisite.

The scariest part is that the Aeros plan on revealing one more gut buster before the season begins. My guess is a deep dish pizza made up of layers of hamburger and hot dogs topped with chili and M&Ms.

Even Pablo Sandoval Is Getting In Shape?

Let's face it, we're 10 days into the new year and you're actually up three pounds from the time that you announced this was the year you'd finally get in shape. But all you've done is driven by the gym twice and learned how to roll your own breakfast burritos using pancakes, sausage and cookie dough. As long as we're being honest, I never really had much faith in you anyway.

But dammit, I only have a few fat baseball players left in the MLB and I don't appreciate them trying to improve themselves. First Bartolo Colon is attempting a comeback by not being fat and now Pablo Sandoval is trying to shed some of his panda weight to improve on his disappointing 2010 season. Here are the deets from Henry Schulman from the SF Gate...

Dunston has not seen Sandoval this winter, but Rich Aurilia has.

Aurilia lives in Phoenix and told me today he saw Pablo at a shopping mall just before Christmas. Sandoval told him he had lost 17 pounds.

Last week, Sandoval was in Venezuela and held a news conference at a baseball museum. According to reports in the Venezuelan papers, Sandoval said he lost 16 "kilos" with the goal of dropping 24 by the start of spring training. I've been told that something got lost in the translation and he meant "pounds." Sixteen kilos would be more than 35 pounds. Twenty-four kilos would be nearly 53 pounds. Nobody's expecting Sandoval to slim down that much.

Let's hope something was lost in translation. I'll be crushed if Sandoval went all Al Roker on us and looks like a deflated balloon version of himself playing third base. I've grown to love the Sandoval who roams the infield like a Hungry-Hungry-Hippo with what appears to be a mustard stain of his jersey and/or pants.

Giants fans surely will be pleased that Sandoval is working on bouncing back after his slash line tumbled from .330/.387/.556 to .268/.323/.409 in just one year. But as a fan of fat baseball players, I'll be sending care packages to Bobby Jenks and hoping for a David Wells comeback.

Bartolo Colon Attempting Comeback By Not Being Fat

I've made fun of Bartolo Colon over the years because I find fat athletes hilarious and he wasn't a very good pitcher. Colon threw 62.1 innings in 2009 for the White Sox and hasn't thrown over 100 innings since 2005. But it was a joy to watch that round Dominican try to find the strike zone or Weeble Wobble his way over to cover first base. Well those glory days might be all behind us now friends. The news coming out of Cleveland is that Colon is planning on pitching again but 40 pounds slimmer.

I know. I, too, am disappointed at the lost opportunity for any future fat Bartolo Colon jokes. Unless, of course, he falls off the Ho Hos wagon. *fingers crossed* Let's take a look at a few of the items Colon had to remove from his normal diet to lose the weight with an assist from our friends at This Is Why You're Fat...

Burrito Unicorn

He didn't actually give these up choice; he ate them out of extinction. Now you will only be able to tell your children stories about the mystical and glorious Burrito Unicorn.

Doughnut Pizza

Move over Wheaties, there's a new breakfast of champions in town. Nothing gets you out of the gate and ready for a productive day like a sixer of PBR and a donut the size of a pizza. Ready, set, nap.

Philly Taco

Okay, that one actually looks awesome. That is a Philly cheesesteak wrapped in a slice of pizza. Somebody should give the inventor some kind of award. Like a bronzed cholesterol.

Pop Tart Sushi

This is the only type of sushi Colon used to eat. It's crushed up pop tarts rolled in fruit roll ups. His favorite was the Dynamite S'mores Roll.

The 50 Pound Burger

Bart was a big fan of any meal that required a chainsaw as part of the table setting.

The Mets, A Lawsuit And A Drunk Fat Man

Sometimes it's nice to take a break from pouring over FIP and SIERA during award season to take a look at some of the lighter stories in baseball. Perhaps "lighter" wasn't the best choice of adjectives there. Way back in 2007 (pre-Bieber!), a 300-pound drunkard rolled his way down a few rows and landed on, presumably crushing, Ellen Massey. Well, it's 2010 and time to get litigious...

Timothy Cassidy was so blasted before his drunken tumble onto lawyer Ellen Massey on Opening Day in 2007 that he could barely walk, was picking fights with random fans and dropping the "L" from the "Let's Go Mets" chants, Massey's lawyer, Joshua Kelner, said in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday.

The lawyer leveled the allegations to bolster his client's contention that the Mets and their concessionaire, Aramark, should be held responsible for his client's injuries for serving the obvious drunk more beer and for failing to have security remove him from the game.

Fat, drunk and obnoxious? That doesn't sound like Mets fans, amirite? I'm not a total monster so, sure, I feel bad for the lady. But come on, people are going to get hammered at ballgames. I'm fairly sure it's in the Bill of Rights. Let's face it, between tailgating and ballpark security being lackluster (I routinely wear my camel pack full of moonshine into games), it's easy to be plastered well before the game even starts. And when did beer vendors become bartenders who should know when to cut people off?

It's unfortunate that a 300-pound man fell on poor Miss Massey but I'm getting tired of all of these lawsuits. Maybe I'm just bitter after I lost my case against Miracle Whip. I ate three pounds of that stuff and still couldn't turn water into wine.

Props to the Post for another ridiculous headline Amazin'ly 'drunk' fan. People are getting paid for that work.

Ronny Paulino Is Fat, Suspended

Marlins catcher Ronny Paulino became the second big leaguer to get slapped with a 50 game suspension after violating the league's drug policy. Edinson Volquez was the first but he was hurt and it didn't matter anyway. In fact, I think Volquez is just now entering his third rookie year. The 6'3, 250 pound catcher will begin his sentence immediately and explained that he was only taking the "performance enhancer" because he wasn't happy with how he looked in a bathing suit...

"To control my weight this season, I used a dietary pill," Paulino said in a statement released by the team. "I recently learned that the dietary pill contained a substance banned under Major League Baseball's drug policy. I am ashamed and saddened for disappointing and distracting my family, my teammates, the entire Florida Marlins organization and baseball fans."

Have we learned nothing from Starcaps? Most dietary drugs, even if they aren't crystal meth (I'm looking at you strippers), are against professional sports leagues' substance abuse policies. And with MLB's newfound hard-on for busting anyone that has ever seen a guy smoke pot, how do you not get anything you're taking approved by the league? Or instead of taking drugs, and I know this is going to sound silly, why don't you try watching your diet and working out more?

Let's take a look at what I imagine Ronny Paulino's diet is, put together from one of my favorite sites This Is Why You're Fat...

Breakfast - Country Breakfast Wrap

Scrambled eggs, pork sausage, potatoes and American cheese rolled inside a buttermilk pancake topped with maple syrup.

Lunch - Meat Mountain

Dinner - Pizza Burger

Two personal pepporoni pizzas with a hamburger patty on top, with bacon and covered with cheese and ranch dressing.

Dessert - Pake

Pake = a pie inside a cake

A lemon-vanilla cake with blueberry preserves, strawberry pie, and cream cheese frosting.

I think I caught diabetes from putting together that menu.

What's Wrong With You America?

Occasionally, I'm going to rant about some nonsense and try to tie it into baseball. I can't promise it will always work. But let's see what happens.

I feel like I've been writing about strikeouts all week so I feel like I deserve a little break. I'm going to turn my attention to you for a post, America. I know you like your food and plenty of it. I've already covered your glutenous ways by discussing Friendly's grilled cheese bun hamburger. Now I'm concerned about what you're willing to spend on food. Throw on that Snuggie you call a shirt and buckle up those two 40-gallon trashbags that you're wearing for pants and let's look at a baseball food classic.



That, my portly friends, is a $69 hot dog. I know what you're thinking, "Where? And can I borrow $69? I just spent my paycheck on cases of Cheetos and Diet Pepsi." Well here are all of the details you need about the expensive wiener (hehe)...

This version is 12 inches long and pure beef. It's grilled in white truffle oil, placed in a salted pretzel bread bun toasted with white truffle butter, topped with medallions of duck foie gras with black truffles with side condiments of black truffle Dijon mustard, caramelized Vidalia onions and heirloom tomato Ketchup. All that can be yours for just $69, but you have to place your order 24 hours in advance to allow time for the "special ingredients" to be flown in fresh.

Hmm, fancy for a hot dog. I sometimes feel bad for spending $5 for a pack of Hebrew Nationals when I'm treating myself. Then I top them with bacon bits. My Jewish friends do not approve.

Don't worry guys. I know that you're concerned about what's for desert after your $69 hot dog. I have you covered. It's a $30, 5-pound Gummy Bear.



What's wrong with you, America? A 5-pound gummy bear? Why don't you just inject the diabetes straight into your bulbous ass? I'm just messing with you guys. In fact, I'm working on the prototype of a recliner/refrigerator/microwave that I think you'll love.

[h/t @darrenrovell1]

Happy Fourth!

I'd like to extend a very happy Fourth of July to all of our American readers. That's right Canada, there's nothing for you here today. Today is all about celebrating our independence from equally bad at soccer England. And we do it the American way, dammit. We drink too much, eat too much and then let our kids blow their arms off with fireworks we drove to Alabama for. Those rapscallions.

I love a good drinking holiday. And I will certainly be indulging today. So you can look forward to a good drunken All Star snub post sometime later tonight/tomorrow. Try to be responsible though. Don't drink and drive kids. Please, drink as much as you can but sleep it off on your friend's linoleum floored kitchen. And please don't use those two cheeseburgers as buns for your steak sandwich. I'm worried about your cholesterol, America (I am engineering that steak burger burger for Chilis though). Also, those homemade bottle rockets are most likely going to hit Steve in the eye. They're completely unpredictable. Please just go buy real ones.

While it may seem un-American of me to use British model Lucy Pinder for this post, I dare you to find a hotter chick in an American flag bikini. And no, British model Keeley Hazell does not count.

You Stay Fat, America

Occasionally, I'm going to rant about some nonsense and try to tie it into baseball. I can't promise it will always work. But let's see what happens.

America, you're fat. Sorry to break it to you. Just because you call them "sliders", doesn't mean you should swallow 15 little burgers in one sitting. Well, marketers have definitely taken notice of your glutenous ways. Minor league baseball is popular for two reasons; drinking promotions and crazy food inventions. You want a hamburger between two Krispy Kremes? No problem. Those Oreos and Twinkies aren't hitting the spot? Let's deep fry 'em.

Last year's minor league heart-attack-inducing creation came from the West Michigan Whitecaps. I know, not Wisconsin? Here's a description of the Fifth Third Burger which I believe comes with a Sherpa to help climb it...

It's 5/3 lbs (1.66) of beef with lettuce, tomato, salsa, sour cream, chili and Fritos on an eight-inch sesame seed bun.

The team says it feeds one to four people and sells for $20, and if a person finishes the Fifth Third Burger in one sitting, the team will offer up a Fifth Third Burger T-shirt.

If you finish that in one sitting, they probably don't have a t-shirt in your size. Which I assume is circus tent. This is what it looks like so you can have a mental picture when you take your scooter to your minivan and head to Michigan.

The reason I brought this up is because Friendly's recently came up with a new gut-busting burger. That's right America, it's three sandwiches in one...

Yes, the latest assault on America's waistline comes in the form of Friendly's recently launched Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. Move over, Double Down, there's a new "something with far more calories than bread as a bun" sandwich in town.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are not buns, they're sandwiches! Yeah, chew on that. If you'll excuse me, I need to send McDonald's an email pitching the McFatty™. It's a Big Mac topped with a 9 piece McNugget.