Chris Snyder Watches As Wife Gets Attacked

I'm not a complete monster so rest assured this story has a happy-ish ending. But any time I can connect a story about a key-wielding maniac on a scooter to baseball, well you know I have to jump at the opportunity. Pirates catcher Chris Snyder was riding in a car with his wife when she encountered the Vespa version reject from Sons of Anarchy...

Carla Snyder and the scooter-riding man, Subhash Arjanbhi Modhwadia, nearly collided Wednesday. The 44-year-old Modhwadia followed her to a gas station, kicked the vehicle and swung at Carla Snyder, police said. He also ripped a mirror off the car.

A passer-by and an off-duty police officer subdued him. Modhwadia bit the bystander and threw punches with keys between his fingers, police said. Snyders' two children also were in the car.

I realize it's unfortunate the children had to witness the spectacle but the chance to see crazy personified up close only comes around so often. He bit a bystander! I hope he was wearing a leather vest and chaps and had flame decals on his scooter. I'm glad nobody got hurt, proving the bystander is current on his shots, but a low speed chase would have made this my favorite story of the season.

Snyder was unable to come to his wife's defense due to back surgery. What a helpless feeling that must have been. Although with his .396 slugging percentage, it's unclear how much damage he could have done.

Paul Maholm's Golden Sombrero

A golden sombrero is awarded to a player who manages to strike out four times in a single game (real golden sombrero not included). It's quite the feat unless you're Ryan Howard or Mark Reynolds. Unfortunately, no-hitters and Brian Wilson's beard are all the rage nowadays. Not for me, though. I will pour over the box scores to bring you the finest at swinging and missing.

I missed writing up the 3 golden sombreros from Friday night because the weekend is when I meditate and focus on self-improvement. Or recover from hangovers if you want to be more specific/accurate. Plus my boy Mike at The Golden Sombrero does an excellent job recording every sombrero and it looks like we're going to have a ton of them again this season. But I won't miss the opportunity to write up a pitcher golden sombrero. There's something magical about them like a first kiss or remembering where you parked. I think it's because pitchers usually don't get 4 plate appearances in one game and there's a 74.3% chances they'll be bunting in one of the at bats.

But Pat Maholm on Saturday was just as terrible at the dish as he was brilliant on the mound. Maholm threw a 3-hit shutout while walking none and striking out 4. The same number of times he struck out at the plate. Just the perfect storm of dominance and futility. I'd totally send Paul an Off Base t-shirt if they weren't fictional. Let's check out Maholm's hitting prowess...

Top 3rd: Maholm struck out swinging against Randy Wells. He fouled one off and took two balls before going down swinging so better than what I would have done.

Top 4th: Maholm struck out swinging against Wells. Basically the same at bat he had in the previous inning.

Top 6th: Maholm struck out swinging against James Russell.

Top 8th: Maholm struck out looking against Scott Maine.

Andrew McCutchen's Golden Sombrero

A golden sombrero is awarded to a player who manages to strike out four times in a single game (real golden sombrero not included). It's quite the feat unless you're Ryan Howard or Mark Reynolds. Unfortunately, no-hitters and Brian Wilson's beard are all the rage nowadays. Not for me, though. I will pour over the box scores to bring you the finest at swinging and missing.

There was magic in the air Friday night. Andrew McCutchen was plugged into the leadoff spot for the Pirates and it turns out he's allergic to it. It took McCutchen all of five innings to record a Golden Sombrero but in his only other plate appearance he reached on an error, shattering my dreams of a Platinum Sombrero. Pinata dog was also bummed out.

Let's see what McCutchen was flailing at...

Top 1st: McCutchen struck out looking against Bronson Arroyo. Hey, it happens.

Top 2nd: McCutchen struck out looking against Arroyo again. Meh, it was a 3-2 count. But two strikeout in the first two innings certainly gets me excited.

Top 4th: McCutchen struck out swinging against Arroyo. I get sad because I remember McCutchen is on my fantasy team.

Top 5th: McCutchen struck out swinging against Matt Maloney. Yikes.

McCutchen is now hitting .196/.302/.370 with 2 homers and 0 stolen bases. Serves me right for drafting a Pirate. I bet he's never even attempted a hostile takeover of a cruise ship.

Pirates Fire Two Coaches, That Should Fix It

The Pittsburgh Pirates fired pitching coach Joe Kerrigan and bench coach Gary Varsho because they were "no longer right for the staff." While the Pirates spiral toward their 18th consecutive losing season, manager John Russell passed off ineptitude to his staff. I'm not saying Russell was just trying to save some face but I'm not even sure what a bench coach does. I believe it has something to do with sunflower seed management. The starting pitching has certainly been disappointing though...

The Pirates also allowed Charlie Morton (1-9, 9.35 ERA in 10 games) to struggle for weeks before sending him back to the minors. Ross Ohlendorf (1-9, 4.23) has been a disappointment after going 11-10 last season and left-hander Zach Duke (5-10, 5.32) has given up 142 hits in 108 1-3 innings.

I suppose some of that may be Joe Kerrigan's fault. Or it could just be that none of those pitchers are very good. Or good. Or league average.

Let's face the facts. The Pirates have been a poorly run franchise for many years in a small-ish market. They can't afford to make mistakes. But they seem to have righted the ship over the past few seasons. They're spending money on the draft now. Pedro Alvarez should develop into a nice power hitting, lousy third baseman. And if they can sign Jameson Tallion and Stetson Allie, they win the 2010 draft. They also did a nice job on buying low on prospects Jose Tabata and Andy LaRoche (even if LaRoche didn't pan out).

Pitching is a concern. Brad Lincoln might end up being a good pitcher. Mid to front of the rotation guy. But Charlie Morton and Zach Duke aren't the answer to forming a winning season. So firing a pitching coach who isn't Dave Duncan seems like a nice way to show the fans that you care and realize things aren't going well is a nice enough gesture I suppose. But the bench coach? What could he have done wrong? Misplaced the Gatorade?

Pedro Alvarez's Golden Sombrero

A golden sombrero is awarded to a player who manages to strike out four times in a single game (real golden sombrero not included). It's quite the feat unless you're Ryan Howard or Mark Reynolds. Unfortunately, cycles and no-hitters are all the rage nowadays. Not for me, though. I will pour over the box scores to bring you the finest at swinging and missing.

Mr. Alvarez, we meet in this segment so soon. I touted your arrival on June 15th and foresaw this day coming. I didn't think it would be nine games into your big league career but that's no reason we shouldn't throw a party. Dude, you're a power hitter, these things will happen. I have Patron on ice and Jay-Z is going to sing Pittsburgh State of Mind. Okay, I have Costco Tequila and a Steely McBeam pinata. Okay, I have a cactus and a small bag of Peanut M&M's, jerk. Let's just see how you went down in flames tonight.

Top 1st: Alvarez struck out swinging against Ben Sheets. Ben Sheets is from Louisiana and enjoys fantasy football and arm injuries.

Top 3rd: Alvarez struck out swinging against Sheets again. Raise your if hand if you thought Sheets would pitch this deep into the game/season.

Top 6th: Alvarez struck out swinging against Sheets. MTD Hat Trick. Everybody with me now, he struck out 3 times, the same way against the same pitcher.

Top 8th: Alvarez struck out looking against Jerry Blevins.

Don't worry, you'll be fine. It happens to the best of us. That 4-year, $6.4 million contract you signed? That's a little more than I made in the past decade.

He's Coming...

Did I mention I love prospects? I do. They're exciting. They're the new hot girl in school. Everybody is talking about her. Everybody wants one just like her. But for every Stephen Strasburg there's a Laura Newberry. Amirite? At least two people will enjoy that. Anyhoo, I covered Strasburg (in great detail later) and Mike Stanton. So who's next?

Word has it, Pirates' top prospect, Pedro Alvarez, might be called up as soon as tomorrow. The third base slugger was the second overall pick in 2008 and hit 40 home runs and .286/.374/.537 over his two minor league seasons. He has 196 strikeouts against 102 walks so, you know, that's not great. For him. For me, it means I might get to hand out a Golden Sombrero or two.

The big loser in all of this is Andy LaRoche. LaRoche has been playing third for the Pirates since being acquired from the Dodgers in the Manny Ramirez trade. LaRoche was once a highly touted prospect ala Brandon Wood. *sigh* Andy looks to be headed to a super utility role until he eventually lands on another team. I hate when prospects flame out. I'm looking at you, Laura.

Ross Ohlendorf: Meat Inspector

Ross Ohlendorf was a fourth round draft pick by the Diamondacks and has been a component in trades involving Randy Johnson and Xavier Nady. One slightly more impressive than the other. Ohlendorf has pitched 237 innings for the Pirates with a 98 ERA+ making him just about a league average pitcher. Or a solid number two for the Pirates. But Ohlendorf has already been looking for a way to escape from the glorious Pirates' empire of mediocrity. He recently interned for the Department of Agriculture...

The notion of Ohlendorf's internship originated last summer, when U.S. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack threw out the first pitch for his beloved Pirates. Ohlendorf volunteered to catch for Vilsack. Conversation ensued -- Vilsack was interested in the Pirates, and Ohlendorf was interested in agriculture. His family owns a cattle ranch in Austin.

The Nationals get Obama. The Dodgers, Angels, Yankees and Mets get celebrities. The Pirates get the Agriculture Secretary. Just sayin. Apparently, Ohlendorf is no joke and graduated from Princeton with a 3.75 GPA. Now if he could just get his ERA there. So what was Cowboy Ross doing for the USDA anyway?

Ohlendorf's work included the study of livestock movement and how disease is transferred when cattle migrates.

He researched the liability of a meat supply -- whether it's the cattle owner, the processor, the hauler or the grocer who bears responsibility.

That should make Ohlendorf the most overqualified butcher at the Giant Eagle in three years. We're just kidding, Ross. In fact, we'd love to get our hands on your thesis "Investing in Prospects: A Look at the Financial Successes of Major League Baseball Rule IV Drafts from 1989 to 1993." We're big nerds too.