Jeffrey Loria Is An Angry, Angry Man

After throwing cash around in the offseason like a redneck during a good round of scratch-offs, it cost Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria around $100 million to field the 2012 squad. Or four years of Vernon Wells if you're into sad math comparisons. For all of that money, Loria was rewarded with a 66-86 record so far for last place in the NL East. No amount of showers can get rid of that dirty feeling caused by being behind the Mets in the standings. The brand new stadium plus losing record is only good for the 18th best average attendance but that is up 10 spots from 2011. He might have expected a bigger attendance spike for the first season in the new digs.

So, Loria was probably a little grumpy in the first place. Then his current manager and a former manager spoke out against Loria and people were there to write it down. Apparently, Loria's personal newspaper reader mentioned the quotes and, ooooh, the old man is pissed.

Let's start with current Braves manager, Fredi Gonzalez. Gonzalez managed the Marlins from 2007-2010 and is the winningest manager in franchise history. Gonzalez was unceremoniously dumped on June 23, 2010. But how does he feel now?

“There’s not a manager dead or alive that Jeffrey thinks is good enough. Not Connie Mack, not anyone.”

Scribble down +1 for Connie Mack reference. Alright, Jeffrey. Care to respond?

Loria said that if Gonzalez made those comments, “I’m a little surprised because it’s classless — and you can quote me — especially because he was with us for five years and he was a colossal failure. Not nice. Not nice.”

Yeah, I'm going to have to side with Gonzalez on this one. I have a hard time declaring a 276-279 record over four-ish years a "colossal failure" especially considering the shallow pockets Loria allowed the team to operate under. Colossal failure. What kind of expectations does that guy have? It must literally rain cash on his estate.

Of course, current manager/escaped crazy person Ozzie Guillen was not be outdone. Not while he's still on the Marlins payroll. Guillen stuck with Gonzalez's theme but was much more eloquent in his delivery...

"If Jeffrey doesn't think I'm doing the job I should do ... it's not the first time he's fired a manager," Guillen said. "Look yourself in the mirror and ask why so many (expletive) managers come through here."

Loria did not issue a retort to Ozzie but it was reported by the Palm Beach Post that he did not appreciate being "called out." Loria will most likely react by doing what he does best and canning Ozzie after the season.

And now a quick tip if you interview for the Marlins manager opening.
When asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Do not answer, "Hopefully under new ownership."
Rumor has it Jack McKeon answered "dead." A rumor I made up. Just now.

I Love Ozzie Guillen

I love Ozzie Guillen and it's not just because the one part of the English language he mastered is profanity. He's cocky, abrasive, has no filter and I suspect he drinks quite a bit. He's just like your one uncle except he's had a job since 2004 and doesn't have to introduce himself as registered sex offender to the neighbors.

But Guillen isn't have a great season at the helm of the Pale Hose. The White Sox are 77-82 with three games to play and 15 games out of the AL Central, a division many, including yours truly, picked them to win. It's hard to pin the disappointing season all on Guillen. Of qualified American League players, the Sox have two of the worst five in fWAR (Fanrgraphs Wins Above Replacement) and three of the bottom 15. And that doesn't include Adam Dunn and his MLB worst -2.8 fWAR.

Guillen, however, doesn't want to point fingers at some of the historically bad performances of his players and would give his own performance the lowest grade possible...

For proof of that, look at what Guillen said when asked recently what grade he'd give himself for 2011.

"Z," he said.

"You're the man," Guillen said. "You make the lineup. So many things are on your shoulders. You have to be honest with yourself. I don't think this team went where it was supposed to be. I don't see why not give myself a Z. I don't play to be a second-place or third-place team."

Despite his own harsh grade, Guillen made it clear what he's looking for from the Sox after a meeting with Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf...

"(Bleep) more years, I want more money," Guillen said. "I don’t work here for years. No, I want more money. Years, what, I’m going to die poor with the White Sox. Hell, no. Listen this is my job. It’s the only thing I can do. I have to make money out of somewhere. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, where you’ll have a job for the rest of your life.

"Life is about money. People don’t believe that. People are happy after they make money."

Yeah! That lousy $2 million I'm supposed to make next year will barely cover the overhead for my pygmy hippopotamus farm! I should have gone to law school! Or doctor school!

Guillen did say that he wanted to stay with the White Sox organization and his relationship with GM Kenny Williams would remain very respectful. You know, as long as they back that truck full of cash up to his drive way.

He declined to say if he'd quit if he didn't get a lucrative extension. There are some dire repercussions for the Guillen household though if he does find himself out of work...

"I’ve got to talk to my wife, and she’s got to cut the shopping process and Ozzie (Jr.) has got to quit drinking a little bit and Oney has to go to work a little bit," Guillen quipped. "Ozney has got to go to public school and hopefully get a scholarship somewhere, a lot of (stuff). My mom’s got to cut a little bit, my dad’s got to get healthy, my sister’s got to find a rich man.

"There’s a lot behind the scenes. My captain and my boat, I’ve got to cut that thing down. There’s a lot of things I’ve got to pay. We’ll see what happens, I don’t know yet."

Um, this needs to be a reality TV show like yesterday. Seriously, Bravo, VH1, MTV, TLC (if they can get a little person in the cast), MLB network, I don't care. Somebody put the Guillens on TV immediately.

I was relieved to hear that Ozzie (Jr) only has to quit drinking a little bit. I follow Oney on Twitter and, if he's any indication, Ozney can just drop out of school now. Maybe they can date some Kardashians.

UPDATE: Guillen said Monday night's game would be his last as the White Sox manager.

Ozzie Guillen Won't Protect Adam Dunn

White Sox manager/crazy person Ozzie Guillen doesn't need or use stats to fill out a lineup card and, for that, Juan Pierre thanks him. Guillen also doesn't care if a player might break the single season strikeout mark as long as that player isn't hurting the team. So Guillen won't sit Adam Dunn and his .160/.290/.302 line. Wait, what?

"I will sit him down if he's not helping the ballclub, but not because of a mark," Guillen said Sunday. "Not at all, no. (If) we need him to take a break and give somebody a chance, I will do it.

snip

"(But) I just worry about putting the best guys out there every time," Guillen said.

"Every time Dunn or (Alex) Rios is there, I feel like they have a chance. But it's not what I feel. It's how they feel."

Dunn has crossed the Godfather III threshold into the "made a donation in your name present" territory on the chart of disappointment this season. Dunn is having the worst year of his career and it's not even close. His strikeout rate is the highest of his career at 36.4% and his .274 wOBA is 79 points worse than his previous low. Even removing most of his atrocious defense by DHing and playing a little fist base, Dunn is still putting up a -1.6 WAR which, by definition, means he's worse than a replacement level player.

But, Ozzie keeps running him out there and hoping for the best. So far this season, the "best" is 1-4 with three strikeouts. The strikeouts are piling up (122 in 335 plate appearances) but he is still a long way from Mark Reynolds magical 223 strikeout record season of 2009. Fangraphs ZiPS is projecting 81 strikeouts for the rest of the season leaving Dunn with a mere 203. Of course, those projections don't have Dunn accumulating over 600 plate appearances so maybe they were nervous about Guillen pulling the plug on Dunn's terribleness. Silly projections.

Ozzie Guillen Will Keep Bunting Thank You

Master strategist, White Sox manager and occasional English-speaker, Ozzie Guillen, recently made it clear that he is a fan of the bunt. And why shouldn't he be? It's a near automatic out (unless it's craftily deployed against the shift) but it did help Jake Taylor fictionally win the pennant for the Indians circa 1989. In the past week, the Ozzies have bunted into a triple play and killed a four-run inning by bunting into a force out. But Ozzie is steadfast in his belief in the Tao of the bunt...

"Listen, I grew up bunting," Guillen said Thursday. "My baseball game is bunting. We win a lot of games bunting. I will stay with them. The guys who can bunt, I will bunt them. We hit a lot of double-play balls because we're not that fast. That's why I will take advantage of that."

Did he just say they win a lot of games bunting? Now I know where Oney gets his delusion from. The apple doesn't fall far from the crazy plant. Luckily, I'm not a White Sox fan but I do love Ozzie because he seems mentally unstable.

The bunt, especially the sac bunt, are usually a terrible waste of an out. Bunting Adam Dunn every once in a while to beat the shift? Brilliant. But I don't have that much faith in Ozzie. Also, can we stop praising Ron Gardenhire as a great manager? If he sac bunts in the first inning of a playoff game again, I'll... Probably just blog about it. I thought I had something more threatening there for a minute.

Editors Meeting

Derwood lives near the other four places you don't want to visit in Georgia and MTD "lives" in "New Orleans", so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's their recent conversation.


[Began February 14, 11:21 p.m.]

MTD - Jose Canseco's baseball reference page costs $135 to sponsor. But for $135, he'd probably come play wiffle ball with us.

Derwood - For $135? He'd leave us a few hangers out over the plate, then buy us Steak N Shake afterwards and pave the driveway.

MTD - I'm going to try to track down his representation. Where'd you say that mailbox he and Ozzie talk to is located?

Derwood - Take a right at Ozzie Canseco's pet raccoon.

MTD - Gotcha. Just before the well they think the Goonies live in?

Derwood - Just before the well they think Oddibe McDowell lives in.

MTD - McDowell? OK. Well, I hear Ozzie is really cleaning up on his mesh shirt line after Jose wore it on his last book tour.

Derwood - I don't want to see Ozzie Guillen in mesh anything.

MTD - I thought we were making fun of Ozzie Canseco. It works either way.

Derwood - For some reason I had a terrible vision of Ozzie Guillen in a mesh shirt. But if I was forced to choose to see someone in mesh, Ozzie Canseco or Ozzie Guillen, I'm going Canseco.

MTD - We need to change the subject. We shouldn't have to see any of those people in anything, let alone mesh.

Derwood - Change the subject? OK. So, Cano is better than Utley, right?

MTD - Let's go back to Ozzies wearing mesh...

Derwood - This needs to be the last time we talk about men in mesh...I know it's technically still Valentine's Day, so you and Utley's relationship is a sore subject, especially since he doesn't know about it.

MTD - My relationship with him is only between us, several attorneys and a Pennsylvania judge.

Derwood - First, put the ocean sounds cd on and put a cool rag on your forehead. And if you're going to lob pebbles at Utley's bedroom window, just make sure you have both pant legs on this time.

MTD - That was indeed a poor decision on my part. Next time, I plan on just bringing a boom box and a sweet mix tape.

Derwood - Anything with Bryan Adams should get that restraining order reduced to 150 feet.

Separated At Birth

I have absolutely loved the World Cup this year. I don't know if it's my patriotic spirit or the vuvuzela or the excuse to drink in the morning, but I'm captivated. Even though USA lost in plastic horn snapping fashion yesterday, I'm still going to watch and root for England Argentina. You know why? Diego Maradona. He's regarded as one of the greatest players in football *cough*soccer*cough* history. He's well known for the "Hand of God" goal in the 1986 World Cup. Otherwise known as "la mano de Dios" which I thought meant something else entirely. After a long relationship with the cocaine, Maradona had a stint as a talk show host before becoming Argentina's head coach in 2008. He's one of those outspoken, blast the media types who reminds me of Ozzie Guillen. Let's go to the Seperated at Birth Breakdown before I have to get drunker and watch more soccer...

Diego Maradona
We covered the "Hand of God" goal but he's also credited with the "Goal of the Century" from the same World Cup in 1986. *vaca sagrada* What I like about Diego is his willingness to fire away at any chance he gets...

"Many journalists should apologize to the players," he said, oozing confidence and never losing his cool. "I'm not suggesting you drop your trousers, but it would be honest and great so we all get along better."

snip

"All of a sudden we're an excellent team ... the most handsome people in the barrio!"

Maradona has also been a highlight reel on the sidelines. I never know what he's doing back there. He's fascinating and it takes the pressure off of his players. He'd also probably get tossed for arguing balks if he could. Speaking of which...

Ozzie Guillen
Guillen doesn't have the prolific playing career that Maradona does. He did win Rookie of the Year in 1985 but that's because voters hated Stew Cliburn and his 2.9 WAR. But Ozzie has gone on to win the hearts of many with his insane antics as manager of the White Sox. He won a World Series and probably can't get fired even though he supposedly came to blows with GM Kenny Williams earlier this year. The Ozzie legend is huge so I'm just going to steal some quotes from a Crasnick article from two years ago...

"He's garbage, still garbage, going to die as garbage," Guillen says of Mariotti. [Ed. I concur, by the way]

"You're not even a pimple on your daddy's ass," Guillen tells Wendelstedt.

"How you doing, Ozzie?" North says.
"Oh, shut the [bleep] up," Guillen replies. [Ed. Love Ozzie meter goes up 4 points]

"[Showalter] never even smelled a jock in the big leagues," Guillen says. "Mr. Baseball never even got a hit in Triple-A. I was a better player than him, I have more money than him and I'm better looking than him."

Two huge egos, successful managers, self proclaimed good looking, tons of cash. My question to you, were they separated at birth?