Al Jean, Jose Canseco and Homer at the Bat

Perhaps you aren't a Simpsons fan and have no idea that every Simpsons ever started playing the marathon of all marathons last Thursday on FXX. If that's the case, this post isn't for you. Please go back to watching The Big Bang Theory on TBS. But if you're like me, you haven't been able to turn the channel in over 250-ish hours. Both work and my cable provider have called to make sure I was still alive. I am! And I still at least have cable for the moment.

Homer at the Bat, episode 8F13 with an original air date of February 20, 1992, aired during the marathon on Friday morning. This is important for a few reasons. Homer at the Bat was an amazing episode with player cameos galore. I also still had a concept of what day of the week it was. And finally, I hadn't fully armed myself with the protective coat of Cheeto dust that I'm sporting as I write this.

If you're unfamiliar with the episode, shame on you. You can catch up with my team study from 2010 right here. But the reason for rehashing this episode over 24(!) years later is that long time show runner, writer, producer and general Simpsons extraordinaire, Al Jean, is still not a fan of Jose Canseco. The commentary from Homer at the Bat is worth watching for a lot of nuggets but this was always my favorite, from Al Jean...

I usually say it's my favorite one, you know, people ask me, that I worked on, just because it was so exciting to meet all these guys and they were all really nice except for one whose name rhymed with Manseco

Of course, I pointed out that I knew this nerdy fact...

.@AlJean said all of the players were nice except for one whose name rhymed with Manseco

— MJ Lloyd (@MnkysThrwngDrts) August 22, 2014

And got this response...

@MnkysThrwngDrts First name rhymes with Blow-say.

— Al Jean (@AlJean) August 22, 2014

And now Blowsay Manseco will be the name of every fantasy baseball team I ever own again. Don't even think about stealing that either. Al Jean's blue haired lawyer claims I owe him $1.20 every time I type or say Blowsay Manseco. Dammit!

In case you are wondering why Al Jean might have been slightly annoyed grunt with Blowsay, I'll refer you to Deadspin's 20th anniversary post on the episode...

Aside from the logistics of recording nine separate guest roles, plot lines had to be rewritten on the fly. Jose Canseco's scene originally called for him and Mrs. Krabappel to engage in Bull Durham-inspired extramarital shenanigans. Canseco's wife rejected the scene, and the staff had to do a last-minute Saturday afternoon rewrite when Oakland came south on a mid-August road trip.

Instead of Lothario, Canseco got to play hero, rushing into a woman's burning house to rescue her baby, then cat, followed by a player piano, washer, dryer, couch and recliner combo, high chair, TV, rug, kitchen table and chairs, lamp, and grandfather clock. Requesting the new sequence turned out to be the wiser move. Canseco and his wife had nearly divorced earlier that year before reconciling, and a week before "Homer at the Bat" aired, Canseco was arrested by Miami police for chasing down and ramming his wife's BMW twice with his red Porsche at 4:30 a.m. After the chase ended, he allegedly got out of his car, came over to his wife's driver-side window, and spit on it.

It could have been the extra work the show runners, writers and cast had to put in to the episode that soured Al Jean on Canseco. Or it could have simply been from having to meet/work with him. I'll ask Jose his thoughts on the episode if I can raise enough money to pay him for an interview after his next PPV fight against a blindfolded bear.

Jose Canseco Update

Trolling Jose Canseco

I have a confession to make. About a year ago, I finally stopped following Jose Canseco on Twitter. I couldn't do it anymore. Just too much dumb in one place for my taste. But I felt compelled - for some odd reason - to scan through his tweets today and see what our buddy the Hugger has been up to.

Warning: Lots of facepalms ahead.

Scorpions To Make A Move?

With the news that 50-year old Howard Johnson was coming out of retirement to play for the Rockland Boulders of the Independent Can-Am League, the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League, led by player-manager Jose Canseco, are expected to make a move.

Offbase received an official transcript from inside the Scorpions war room where Canseco, his brother Ozzie, a photograph of Robert Redford and an imaginary canary named Bernie were meeting to discuss a counter move to the Boulders' signing of Johnson.

[6:51 p.m. MST]

Jose - OK. Listen, Rockland got Johnson. What do we do?

Ozzie - Is....

Jose (interrupting) - Wait, shut up! Is Tom Brunansky available?

Ozzie, speaking as the photograph of Robert Redford - Last I heard he was playing for the Covington Sparrows.

Jose - What league do they play in?

Ozzie/Redford photo - I made them up.

Jose - OK, photo of Robert Redford, could you please step outside the room for five minutes?

[Ozzie places photo on the floor outside the door. Closes door.]

Thank you.

Ozzie - Wait a minute, I think I've got it: Alou.

Jose - Moises?! That's great. He could play left field and...

Ozzie (interrupting) - No, Felipe Alou.

Jose - Felipe. (thinking). Let's send a scout to wherever he's playing tomorrow night.

Ozzie - Well, he retired in 1974, but I think if we tell him about all Yuma has to offer, he'd be up for taking a pay cut to be the fourth outfielder.

Jose - What does Yuma have to offer?

Ozzie - That Chinese restaurant that gives you extra orange slices.

Jose - OK, good. Who else?

Ozzie - F.P. Santangelo?

[Everyone laughs]

Jose - Seriously, though: any other suggestions?

Bernie the canary (whispering in Jose's ear) - What about Howard Johnson?

Jose - I like it, I like it a lot. Is he signed with anyone?

Ozzie - Rumor is he signed with the Rockland Boulders.

Jose - What if we try to lure Johnson away from Rockland?

Ozzie - Well, he signed with the team mainly so he could play with his son.

Jose - OK, so we tell Johnson that his son actually plays for Yuma. Then we get the son AND we get Howard Johnson!

Ozzie/Redford photo - Maybe the team is fine the way it is.

Jose - That's it, photograph of Robert Redford, you're on the bench tonight!


Editor's note: Bernie the canary flew out of an open window, Jose canceled batting practice and then tried to hail a taxi to the sun.


[Transcript ends.]

Some Friday Night Wisdom from Jose Canseco

Via Twitter (@JoseCanseco)




Also under consideration:

* Better to have a bean than a never havebean.
* Hey, has anyone been a haverbeen? No.
* Better to been have a hasbin than a neverbeen.
* At least I had a bean. You never weres.

Editor's Meeting

MTD lives in New Orleans and Derwood built a cabin out of sticks and mud in Conyers, Georgia, so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's the latest back-and-forth entitled "All the Joses of our Lives".


MTD (3:34 p.m. EST): So, Jose Bautista. Man, Superman, or a figment of my imagination? I have Joey Bats as the fourth-greatest hitter of all time. But I'm delusional.

Derwood Morris (3:38): Fourth of all time is Darrin Erstad. Hmmm....Bautista? Not sure. He's like me but with talent and another foot of height. But I have a salami sandwich.

MTD (3:44): Yeah, aside from the talent and the sandwich, you guys are nearly identical. But he's having a Bondsian season; better than last year. He makes Corey Patterson a better hitter.

DM (3:48): He makes Corey Patterson a better hitter. OK, just had to type it out once myself. In a recent game against the Yankees, the Nos. 4 and 5 hitters behind Bautista in the Toronto lineup were Juan Rivera and Jose Molina. Funny thing was, that's the same two guys who were on registers 4 and 5 at the Ingles by my apartment last winter.

MTD (3:56): I knew that was Juan Rivera working register 5. He consistently missed the scanner.

DM (4:01): And then he slipped and fell trying to pick up an orange he had dropped. But enough about how much we dislike Juan Rivera/Ingles. Jose and Ozzie both injured in the first doubleheader of the season for Yuma. Thoughts?

MTD (4:04): First thought: how did it take this long to talk about it. Secondly, why can't I pay to get Yuma games on TV? Ozzie got thrown out of their third game for yelling at an ump Jose was yelling at. I love them.

DM (4:09): To paraphrase Kids in the Hall character Jerry Sizzler: but I love them. I mean, Ozzie got thrown out for Jose's arguing? These guys can't do anything right.

MTD (4:14): Or do they do everything right? Jose, via Twitter, said he was with a bunch of players on some street and invited girls to come party. That's a good manager.

DM (4:18): He was on some street and invited girls to come party. Translation: they were wandering around in the Yuma suburbs and they found a mother/daughter who recognized Jose as "the guy from the energy bar commercial on the public access channel", they all went to a Golden Corral and ate a lot of macaroni and cheese, then went back to the hotel and Jose and Ozzie butchered an Abbot and Costello routine while the ladies did each other's hair.

Canseco-Scorpions Experience Off To A Strange/Hilarious Start

Jose and Ozzie Canseco made their Yuma Scorpions debut Tuesday in a doubleheader against the Calgary Vipers, and the calamities which followed could only be described as exactly what everyone expected.

Ozzie, who famously singled off Bruce Hurst in 1992, strained his quadriceps in the fifth inning of game one trying to beat out an infield hit.

"I was just hustling down the line," Ozzie said. "Just wanted to make sure I made a good example in terms of hustling on a ground ball."

The Cansecos: setting good examples since the fifth inning of Tuesday's game.

Of course, a game in which Ozzie Canseco gets hurt would not be complete without Jose Canseco also getting hurt. Jose left game two with a biceps strain, presumably from swatting away the talking butterfly circling his head.

"We'll see how it is tomorrow," Jose said. "It felt like a sharp knife went in there or something. Hopefully it's a bad strain or a pull."

Hopefully.

Jose and his coaching staff-a clipboard named "Clippy" and a drawing of a hippo-also made an error before the games even started, forgetting to write pitcher J.J. Leaper's name on the lineup card. When Canseco tried to put Leaper in the game in the fourth inning, umpires pulled Canseco's pants down and sprayed him with a mayonnaise hose. Well, actually that's what I would've done if I was the umpire. The real umpire ruled Leaper ineligible to pitch.

"I was in shock, saying, 'OK, this can't be happening,'" said Jose. "Hopefully, this doesn't happen again."

Hopefully it does.

Editor's Meeting

MTD lives in New Orleans and Derwood built a cabin out of sticks and mud in Conyers, so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's the latest back-and-forth entitled "Jose Canseco, Part 17".



MTD (4:06 p.m.): Oh.My.God. The Yuma Scorpions have hired Jose Canseco as a player-manager. Ozzie will also be a coach. This is the best thing that's happened to me in a week.

Derwood Morris (4:07 p.m.): Four things: 1. Outstanding. 2. How can we get tickets and/or a minority stake in the franchise? 3. Who the hell are the Yuma Scorpions? 4. OUTSTANDING.

MTD (4:09 p.m.): I'm thinking a couple hundred gets us an ownership stake. I'll look into it.

DM (4:11 p.m.): How long do you give him before he pencils two Cansecos on the lineup card, 1-2 in the order?

MTD (4:14 p.m.): One game. It appears they are owned by Diamond Sports & Entertainment, which might be an Arizona porn company.

DM (4:17 p.m.): With apologies to Cousin Eddie, the Jelly of the Month Club is not the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. It's Jose Canseco.

MTD (4:20 p.m.): I would buy a subscription to those games online.

DM (4:21 p.m.): I may move to Yuma.

MTD (4:24 p.m.): Shit, me too. I hear Yuma is lovely.

DM (4:28 p.m.): Over/under games managed by Ozzie for various reasons?

MTD (4:32 p.m.): Ozzie is serving as player/catcher-hitting coach. But, depending on Jose's prior commitments, like fighting an ostrich in Mexico, Ozzie probably manages a dozen or so games.

DM (4:34 p.m.): The ostrich will be starting in right field by May 2nd.

MTD (4:38 p.m.): Seriously, let's relocate Offbase headquarters to Yuma. Plus if we lived in Yuma, there's a good shot I'd finally get to play right field again after a disastrous season when I was 8.

DM (4:42 p.m.): The ostrich will have RF locked down by then, but you can battle Ozzie, my Uncle Ernie and a poster of Danny Tartabull for the 4th outfielder spot.

MTD (4:50 p.m.): I'm not sure how this got started, but now I want an ostrich farm when I get to Yuma. OK, over/under Jose home runs?

DM (4:55 p.m.): That depends on if the field has a fence. If it has a fence, I say 10 real, 32 imaginary.

Editors Meeting

Derwood lives near the other four places you don't want to visit in Georgia and MTD "lives" in "New Orleans", so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's their recent conversation.


[Began February 14, 11:21 p.m.]

MTD - Jose Canseco's baseball reference page costs $135 to sponsor. But for $135, he'd probably come play wiffle ball with us.

Derwood - For $135? He'd leave us a few hangers out over the plate, then buy us Steak N Shake afterwards and pave the driveway.

MTD - I'm going to try to track down his representation. Where'd you say that mailbox he and Ozzie talk to is located?

Derwood - Take a right at Ozzie Canseco's pet raccoon.

MTD - Gotcha. Just before the well they think the Goonies live in?

Derwood - Just before the well they think Oddibe McDowell lives in.

MTD - McDowell? OK. Well, I hear Ozzie is really cleaning up on his mesh shirt line after Jose wore it on his last book tour.

Derwood - I don't want to see Ozzie Guillen in mesh anything.

MTD - I thought we were making fun of Ozzie Canseco. It works either way.

Derwood - For some reason I had a terrible vision of Ozzie Guillen in a mesh shirt. But if I was forced to choose to see someone in mesh, Ozzie Canseco or Ozzie Guillen, I'm going Canseco.

MTD - We need to change the subject. We shouldn't have to see any of those people in anything, let alone mesh.

Derwood - Change the subject? OK. So, Cano is better than Utley, right?

MTD - Let's go back to Ozzies wearing mesh...

Derwood - This needs to be the last time we talk about men in mesh...I know it's technically still Valentine's Day, so you and Utley's relationship is a sore subject, especially since he doesn't know about it.

MTD - My relationship with him is only between us, several attorneys and a Pennsylvania judge.

Derwood - First, put the ocean sounds cd on and put a cool rag on your forehead. And if you're going to lob pebbles at Utley's bedroom window, just make sure you have both pant legs on this time.

MTD - That was indeed a poor decision on my part. Next time, I plan on just bringing a boom box and a sweet mix tape.

Derwood - Anything with Bryan Adams should get that restraining order reduced to 150 feet.

Putting a Stamp On Camp

A few times a week Offbase will recap the day in Spring Training. We'll call it Putting a Stamp on Camp until we think of a better name.

Let's start with a flashback from our buddy Jose Canseco, unofficially the Offbase mascot. We can't get enough of this guy.




The Yankees had some controversy on their first day of camp! Unbelievable, I know. Why must people keep bothering this quiet, little franchise? Can't everyone just let them go down to Tampa and train in peace? Anyway, C.C. Sabathia hinted Monday there was a chance he could opt out of the final four years of his contract and test free agency after the 2011 season, even though he had said previously he wasn't going to do that. If Sabathia opts out, it's the right thing to do because he could get a new and longer deal on the open market after the '11 season, and he'll still be younger than Cliff Lee, who was the prize of this past winter's free agency class. I also think the big lefty would end up staying with and extending his contract with the Yankees because he likes playing in NY. So, Anthony in Poughkeepsie and Vinny in Jersey should put the whale sounds CD on and have a canoli.

Meanwhile, in Jupiter, Albert Pujols set a new deadline-Wednesday-for the Cardinals to sign him to a new contract or he's playing the 2011 season and then testing free agency in the winter. Here's Cards manager Tony LaRussa talking about Pujols and distractions and engine coolant.


Elsewhere...

* John Lackey dropped more than 10 pounds in the off-season, but this is still his face:



First jab at a Redsox in 2011. Baseball is back! Tomorrow: what's so great about Jacoby Ellsbury anyway?

* Maury Brown explained on Twitter that Toronto was postponing arbitration talks with outfielder Jose Bautista "to allow further negotiation between the player and the club." Before the Jays go crazy, remember: Bautista's 2010 season was excellent (166 OPS+, 5.3 WAR, .617 SLUG, 54 HR), but it's the first even pretty good season of his seven-year career. Career highs prior to 2010:

OPS+ - 99
WAR - 2.0
SLUG - .420
HR - 16

There were thousands of Bautista-Brady Anderson comparisons last year, but Anderson had two more really good seasons after he hit 50 home runs in 1996 (which bested his career high in long balls by 29). I say we leave poor Brady Anderson out of this and start making some Dan Pasqua comparisons.

Canseco writes new book, but who is going to read it to him?

I stole that joke from Pops Derwood.

Yes, Offbase readers, Jose Canseco is at it again. After his first two books "Juiced" and "Vindicated" talked about steroids and singing armadillos (speculation, I haven't read either book), Canseco is set to release his third book, titled "The Truth Hurts". But that's no fun. So here's a list of titles he should've used*:


1. "Punching Danny Bonaduche Hurts"
2. "To Be An Oriole: How I Plan On Leading The American League in Home Runs In 2025"
3. "Me And Ozzie's Conversations With The Mailbox"
4. "The Day I Wore This Shirt"



5. "Bat Speed: My Day At Dave & Busters"
6. "F.P. Santangelo's Gonna Get Hurt"
7. "Of Softball Home Run Derbys & Men"


* Source: CSWPUJCGHHHN (the committee to send a wheelbarrow to pick up Jose Canseco and get him the help he needs)

Watch Canseco Lose A Home Run Contest

Jose Canseco has become somewhat of a mascot for us here at Off Base. What can I say? I have a soft spot for wildly delusional lunatics. Canseco was our third choice, though, after we found out the Noid has a serious cocaine problem and Clara Peller died in 1987.

Even though Canseco believes he could still DH and lead the AL in home runs, no major league team offered him a job. Baffling, because he seems like he'd be a sweetheart of a teammate and wouldn't draw any unwanted attention to the franchise. Or steal training equipment.

So Canseco is taking his slugging prowess to the glamorous world of travel softball. In this video that he tweeted today, Canseco takes on hillbilly softball legend (if that's a real thing) Jeff Hall in a home run contest.



I love Jose Canseco but I really hope this softball thing doesn't work out for him because I'm pretty sure his next career move would be cage fighting an ostrich.