Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Man In Underwear Beaten With Wiffle Ball Bat

Every once in a while, I come across a post that writes itself. Those are good days to be a blogger. Today, my friends, is one of those days. A man dressed only in his finest underpants was severely beaten with a Wiffle Ball bat after refusing to put on clothes...
Police say Fehr was sitting on his porch in his underwear when he was approached by 19-year-old Hector Morales Jr. and two other men. Morales told Fehr his girlfriend was coming over, and said Fehr was "being disrespectful" and told him to put some clothes on. When Fehr refused, Morales allegedly assaulted him with the bat, then began punching Fehr when the bat broke.
Normally I'd feel bad about making fun of man getting his jaw broken and teeth knocked out in a semi-random act of violence but a Wiffle Ball bat was involved. This story is so absurd, I don't even know where to start but let's see what happens...

1. How was Fehr being disrespectful by hanging out on his porch in his underwear? Massively obese? Sasquatch-esque body hair? Third nipple? I have a friend who refuses to wear a shirt at night and I own a Wiffle Ball bat. I've yet to assault him for lack of clothing with a flimsy plastic bat. But now the thought is firmly planted in my head.

2. When you're on your way to threaten your naked-ish neighbor, how is a Wiffle Ball bat the weapon of choice? You really couldn't find, um, a stick?

3. I throw a nearly un-hittable riser.

4. Was the bat half filled with sand for maximum weight transfer to add some power to the swing? I've said too much.

5. How drunk were all parties involved? On a scale of 1 to blind, I'm guessing Ray Charles.

6. Hahaha.

7. Will Fehr try to avenge his beating by running his attackers down in his Power Wheel?

8. How hot did that make Morales' girlfriend? I'm assuming she's batshit crazy.

9. Fehr had it coming. His pitch count was high and he was losing his command. The beating was inevitable.

Ah, good times. I'm hoping this story will help me get my Major League Wiffle Ball league up and running. The MLWB will take any publicity we can get.

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