Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Quarantine Fever Dreams

14 Days.

That’s how long it has been since Major League Baseball decided to suspend minor league games. It feels like longer, but that’s probably because we use sports seasons to let us know what natural season it is outside, which is an effective way to both avoid sunlight and people (Life hack #97).

We all have different ways of dealing with this. I have been playing more video games (Expected), the kids are out of school (Appropriate) so I have finally become the teacher that I have always wanted to be (Excited), but they refuse to refer to me as Mr. Hllywa (Disappointing). So far though, no student has been suspended and no teacher(s) have been fired. There was a slight mutiny from the pets though. I think the Retriever is the ring leader. I never trusted him.

In non-personal news, Mike Trout is on TikTok. I swear to God, if he touches anyone before this whole thing is over, I will riot. Stay safe, Mike, you are to important to us.

Freddie Freeman taught his son the valuable lesson of never leaving a pitch belt high to Freddie Freeman.

Shohei Ohtani got his drivers license last month. He never drover in Japan (probably smart), but apparently feels like driving in California is a good idea (LMAO). Currently, the California freeways look like this:

Timing is everything, I suppose.

Even during a time where workers are slowed down, Jerry Dipoto can’t sit still. He managed to option four players to AAA two days ago. He’s like that kid that you bet five dollars couldn’t stay quiet for an hour, and seven minutes into the bet he starts telling you about how his pet hamster was able to organize a three-team trade between the Padres, the Orioles and the Rays, and that the hamster was proud because it walked away with two high-ceiling, low-floor, 17 year-olds and $30,000 in international cap space. At which time you have been sitting there for seven hours and have spent the last three looking for a pencil to shove in your eardrums. 

Current watch list:

TikTok pranks to play on my kids.
Cute animal videos.
Cats racing other cats while riding Roombas.
Rock ‘me Sock ‘em crab fights.
Cornhole highlight videos.

Keep your friends close, and your 2-ply closer.

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