Monday, March 30, 2020

Aroldis Chapman is Jacked

Aroldis Chapman is best known for throwing baseballs very very fast. Over the last couple of seasons he has thrown baseballs less fast, but still heaves the spheroid at a ridiculous pace. He also just stands there and smiles at nothingness when Jose Altuve hits a premeditated dinger off of him to win the American League Pennant. But, rest assured, this season, you only make Aroldis Chapman look foolish at your own peril.

Chapman’s athleticism is borderline legendary. He has reportedly beaten Billy Hamilton in a 100-yard dash. Also, when he was on the Reds, it was rumored that other players wouldn’t go in and lift weights while he was in there to avoid embarrassment. But this offseason, he has taken that to a whole other level.
THE GHOST OF JOSE CANSECO LIVES! (Obligatory ‘hugs for you.’) I really wish we could get 1989 Canseco and Chapman to do comparison contests, it would be close.
Chapman himself is 6’4”, so there’s a good chance that his arm, from elbow to shoulder, is the size of my torso, circumference and all. At the very least, his one arm is both of my arms put together. Also, to my high school baseball coach, there is apparently no such thing as “too big for baseball,” creep.

Of course this is going to start rumors about Chapman and what he may or may not be using for muscle mass and weight gain, but I have it on good authority that he mainlines protein shakes seven times a day and was hired by Carole Baskin to eat her husband. Stop blaming innocent tigers, people. 

If you ever need work, Aroldis, I am always looking for a security guard. MTD stole Brandon Wood from me, but I am positive I will come out the winner if I can get you to sign on as my bodyguard. We have plenty to eat here, a room and more than enough toilet paper. Have your people contact my people when you are ready to talk about your career change from baseball to personal protection.

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