Friday, October 5, 2012

Career Options For Bobby Valentine

After a season that made Red Sox fans miss 2011's epic collapse and chicken and beer fiasco, Boston unshockingly fired manager Bobby Valentine. While the 69-93 record was bad enough, Valentine didn't exactly ingratiate himself with the franchise. A few of his lowlights included ripping Kevin Youkilis for a lack of enthusiasm, alienating himself from players like Dustin Pedroia, calling the September roster the worst in the history of baseball and falling off his bike while reading a text message. That last one might go in the pro list actually.

What's next for Bobby Valentine? Hard to say. Crazy people are unpredictable but I have a few suggestions.

1. Return to Managing
Well, it is what he's good at done most recently. After an impressive season of getting Red Sox players, front office and fans to dislike him, a return to MLB might be a long shot. Sure, there's always Japan but I have a better idea. Jose Canseco will be playing baseball for some kind of Independent League or Mexican Death Match League or bloated old man softball travel league. If Valentine were to manage, that would free up some time for Canseco to sell more hypobaric chambers.

2. Return to ESPN
This is the boring option as ESPN currently runs a tighter ship than the Red Sox. As soon as Valentine says Chris Berman is a lazy asshole resting on his laurels with an earnumbing shtick, Valentine is going to be back in the unemployment line. But I would totally watch Baseball Tonight for that.

3. Star in the Hollywood reboot of Duck Soup

Because it is Hollywood, the new Duck Soup movie will have less to do with the Marx Brothers' classic and more about ruining the kids' game duck-duck-goose by adding aliens and explosions. Directed by Michael Bay, due out July 2014.

4. Host of Japanese Game Show
Valentine was quite popular with the fans when he managed the Chiba Lotte Marines of Nippon Professional Baseball. The fans will love him in the new trivia game show 私の睾丸の多くの痛み. The show, roughly translated to "much pain in my testicles," will feature Valentine asking trivia questions similar to Jeopardy. If a contestant gets a question wrong, they are shot in the crotch by the tennis ball cannon from American Gladiators. The winner fights an octopus in giant tank for a custom built sex robot.

5. Washed Up Former MLBer Turned Bartender
Valentine already owns a sports bar in Stamford, Connecticut so he's two-thirds there. He's even opening franchises in other towns that make you want to drink according to my sources. Imagine Bobby regaling you with classic stories like that time he put on a disguise to sneak back into the dugout after being ejected or the time he crashed his bike reading a text message from Dustin Pedroia. For the 43rd time. It's cool though because making your way in the world today takes everything you've got, taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. I'd rename Bobby Valentine's Sports Gallery Cafe to Jeers but that's just me.

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