Sunday, April 17, 2011

Offbase Top 10 Sports Movie Characters

Voted on by an esteemed panel of judges, including:

* Noted scholar Robert Feathers
* A hobo named Vince
* Two guys from the Chevron


10. Hamilton Porter, Sandlot. "Ham", played by Patrick Renna, only cares about baseball and swimming. Gets into legendary kid-insult war with one of the rival kids. Wins with "you play ball like a girl" line, out-lasting rival kid's "you bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it."

Extra points: Gets about seven extra points for not appearing in any of the Sandlot sequels.

Best line (As Scott Smalls runs from left field to home plate with his caught fly ball): "What the hell is he doing?"

9. Spaulding Smails, Caddyshack. The grandson of Judge Elihu Smails' greatest moment was walking around and drinking people's unfinished wine, accidentally swallowing some cigarettes and throwing up in the sunroof of a convertible.

Extra point: Uses the words 'turd' and 'doodie' on more than one occasion.

Best line: "I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips" [gets cut off by Judge Smails]
Judge Smails: "You'll get nothing, and like it!"

8. Tanner Boyle, Bad News Bears. Boyle is the un-questioned leader of the Bears even though he is 3-3, 42-pounds and a bonafide bigot and sexist.

He aso

* Fights the entire 7th grade
* Gets thrown into a trash can defending Lupis
* Makes 139 errors at second base
* Throws his glove at a base-runner on several occasions
* Uses the phrase "booger-eatin' moron"

Extra point: Called out at first on a grounder to second base in second game of the season against the Athletics. Appeared to have beaten the throw.

Best line: "Engelburg, quit your crummy belly-achin' and throw the ball to first base!"

7. Shooter McGavin, Happy Gilmore. He's like Judge Smails but sinister and with much better hair.

Extra point: Does a great double mouth-click finger-gun.

Best line: "I saw two, big, fat naked bikers in the woods off 17 having sex. How can I chip with that going on?"

6. Stillwell, A League of their Own. Over the course of the movie, Evelyn's portly son, played by Justin Scheller, eats the lineup card; nearly runs the Peaches' team bus off the road when he covers the driver's eyes and is nearly killed by a flying glove before game seven of the World Series.

Extra point: Stillwell as an adult is played by Mark Holton, whose character occupies our No. 2 ranking.

Best line (Just before getting hit with the glove): "You're gonna lose, you're gonna lose, you stink, you're gonna lose..."

5. Shooter, Hoosiers. I mean, Dennis Hopper's character is so drunk he wanders out onto the court during the Sectionals against Terhune, screams gibberish at the referees and gets the Huskers a technical foul. Before that, he takes over for an ejected coach Norman Dale, runs the Picket Fence and beats Dugger with a last-second shot.

Extra point: Only shot he remembers taking during his playing days went in and out, but he claims he was fouled.

Best line (To referee after stumbling onto court): "You're out of position to make the call!"

4. Eddie Harris, Major League. Unbelievable workload for a starting pitcher who is obviously in his late-40s/early 50s and can't throw harder than 45 M.P.H. Did the Indians have a bullpen? Harris, played by sports movie legend Chelcie Ross (see: Hoosiers; Rudy), is devoted to the lord, yet reads Hustler and has about six different foreign substances on his body to cheat with while on the mound.

Extra point: Goes 8 2/3 innings and throws 273 pitches (unofficial) in the one-game playoff against the Yankees. Gets no-decision.

Best line: "Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"

3. Jimmy Dugan, A League of their Own. With apologies to Gene Hackman (Norm Dale) and Wilford Brimley (The Natural), Tom Hanks' character is the greatest movie coach/manager of all time. Dugan

- Scratches his crotch for an entire inning
- Knocks a six-year old unconscious by throwing a glove at his head
- Tells an umpire he looks like a penis with a little hat on

And of course, there's the classic baseball card-ripping scene.

Extra point: But he's in the top 3 because of this conversation-

Walter Harvey: You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.
Jimmy Dugan: I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again.
Harvey: Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?
Dugan: Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.
Harvey: You've seen the error of your ways.
Dugan: No, I just can't afford it.
Harvey: It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy, you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.
Dugan: Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.
Harvey: You fell out of a hotel! That's how you hurt it.
Dugan: Well, there was a fire.
Harvey: Which you started, which I had to pay for.
Dugan: Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.

2. Chubby, Teen Wolf Too. A modern-day Renaissance Man. Chubby is not only the heavyweight on Hamilton University's boxing team, he also:

- Plays the tuba in the school's orchestra
- Was the producer/engineer of Teen Wolf Too's live performance of Do You Love Me
- Was on the school's fencing team.

Extra point: Got the boxing team to sing Hamilton's alma mater before the big state final match against the Nimitz Academy.

Best line: All lines are fantastic.

1. Harry Doyle, Major League.

Bob Uecker put together a legendary performance as Indians' play-by-play man Harry Doyle.

Extra point: Essentially in a one-man booth because color commentator, Monty, doesn't speak.

Best lines:

"The Duke leads the league in saves, strike outs and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid at a father-son game."

"A lot of new faces in Chief Wahoo's tribe this year...and hopefully we'll have some of the names that go with those faces before their first at-bat."

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