Thursday, February 24, 2011

Basking In Carl Everett's Insanity

With Jose Guillen potentially retiring and Carlos Zambrano allegedly cured, I'm legitimately worried about the state of crazy in baseball. Instead of fretting over the state of future lunatics in MLB though, I decided to reminisce about the greatest of them all.

*E! True Hollywood Story Voice*
Carl Everett lettered in football, baseball and track as a high schooler in Tampa. In 1990, the Yankees would make Everett the 10th pick overall in the amateur draft but he would later be claimed by the Marlins in the 1992 expansion draft. He would debut for the Marlins in 1993 but, little did people know, he was hiding a dark secret. Everett never learned how to ride a bike. Wait, that's not it. He's batshit crazy. That was the secret.

Everett had a decent 14-year career hitting 202 home runs and a .271/.341/.462 line. He played for eight major league teams in 14 seasons because he was better known for screaming profanities at the media and manhole covers than he was for his hitting. Let's go to the highlights...

"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."
This led to the nicknames "Jurassic Carl", "Truthasauras" and "C-Rex." He also doubted the legitimacy of both The Flintstones and The Jetsons. He was particularly disgruntled with the latter proclaiming,"I ain't never seen no toaster that could talk and vacuum."[citation needed]

What about dinosaur bones?
"Made by man," he says.
I'd pay one full year of tuition to sit in a lecture hall and take notes while Everett teaches this great dinosaur conspiracy. I'm dying to know who started it, why and how it was funded.

Man on the Moon
After first rejecting the notion, he concedes, "Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."
He also has some pretty strong opinions on the whole "Grassy Knoll" thing. Mainly that JFK never existed.

Derek Jeter
"Not a star."
Even in 2000 this wasn't true. But yes, I was hoping for something prescient about Jeter's defense so I could pretend like Everett was some kind of oracle and we would, in fact, find out dinosaurs were just a Christian ruse.

"Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay."
In turn, he doesn't believe in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont or Washington D.C. either.

Jose Canseco
Jose Canseco is a "bitter, ignorant individual."
Well, even a blind squirrel...

We're hoping Carl Everett's insanity will live on in the form of @madcarleverett while the real Everett plays independent league baseball and has lively debates with pine cones.


  1. Absolutely brilliant.

    I'm curious to hear Carl's take on string theory...

  2. I'd like to get Carl Everett and Charlie Sheen in the same room. But that much winning might cause an explosion.