I'm sure there is some reason behind Labor Day (please don't email me, I'll google it if I really want to know) but for most of us it's day off of work so we can eat, drink and play Wiffle Ball. It's basically the end of summer Fourth of July. For me, however, it's also occasionally my birthday. On this special day, I like to imagine that you're all celebrating me. But I have a massive ego (that's what she said) and I'm wildly delusional. So while you're trying to figure out how to wrap that steak in hot dogs, let's take a look at my birthday game plan...
1. Finish writing this while enjoying a delicious breakfast of Popeye's fried chicken and scotch. It both warms and stops my heart.
2. Shave my arm hair for a more wind resistant Wiffle Ball bat swing.
3. Apply Bryce Harper/Ultimate Warrior eye black. Do push up to psych myself up.
5. Put sheets in the washing machine, I got eye black everywhere.
6. Head over to the party house/Wiffle Ball backyard.
7. Drink more rum than Captain Morgan.
8. Strike out 12 with my devastating riser.
9. Declare war on Vermont.
10. Hit on a fire plug I mistook for a short redhead.
Then I'll probably pass out about three feet from the couch. Jealous?
You're welcome for the day off and celebrate my birthday responsibly. No drinking and driving kids. Uncle MTD will be too drunk too bail you out of jail. I've been informed I'm not allowed back on the Internet today so I'll see you guys tomorrow when I manage to get my eyes to function.