Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Interview With a GM, Kind Of

A couple of weeks ago, news hit the interwebs (as well as some papers, as if anyone actually reads those things anymore) about Bobby Valentine calling out David Ortiz for quitting on the team down the stretch because of pain in his heel. One of Bobby's supporters coming into September was Red Sox General Manager Ben Cherington.

A couple of weeks ago (yes I am a procrastinator, why do you ask?) I asked our special guest if he would be willing to chat with me about the Red Sox 2012, Bobby vs. Oritz and clam chowder. Since I bring a pleasant mix of......something, he happily agreed and gave me insight that only a GM's brain could supply. GM Cherington, you are now on the clock.

Do you prefer hay, or is there a specific horse feed that you give John Lackey?

Well we give uh, John Lackey his fill of hay but uh; he seems to prefer uh, Popeye’s Chicken and Michelob Extra. We try to uh, get him slimmed down, but Muppet costumes are uh, hard to get tailored.

And yes, uh, I type the same uh, way I speak.

The "uh's" probably get in the way of your social life huh?

They only uh bother me during uh press conferences since uh Wendy Nix left uh me.

Firing Bobby Valentine seemed like a pretty easy decision, even though it was said in August that he would not be fired. What i want to know, is if there were ever any plans in the works to actually set him on fire.

Well as part of uh, celebrating the 101st year of uh, Fenway Park next year we are pleased to uh, announce a new promotional event in the spirit of uh, Disco Demolition Night that was held at Comsiky Park in uh, Chicago in 1979. We uh, will be having the fans vote in for the uh, worst team in Fenway. We just uh, might have that burning then. We are uh, calling it the 4-B Night. It uh, stands for Buy a Brick, Burn a Bobby Night

Any ideas on costs? Package discounts? Full bricks or half bricks?

Not sure uh yet on the uh prices but they uh will be full uh bricks. If you uh wear a Dice-K uh shirt then you will uh receive a uh free brick.

Next year I'm taking Scrappy 101. I've been told that Dustin Pedroia is the professor. Should I be excited, or does his scrappiness ever get tiring?

It uh gets very tiring. Sometimes uh during team breakfast, he runs uh, ahead of everyone and cuts people in line. That was uh, the whole thing that started uh, the rift with Valentine and the uh, team. Remember that in uh Spring Training, Bobby chastised Aviles for uh, not getting in position for a, uh, drill. Well uh, Dusty got mad that uh, Bobby out-hustled him in uh, yelling that day.

That was quite the trade you pulled off with the Dodgers. My Angels spent $250 million on one player. You shipped out $250 million. Impressive. What kind of champagne did your boss send you after the trade was completed?

Well uh, since the chicken and beer thing, we have uh, banned alcohol including champagne in the uh, clubhouse. That’s the reason, uh, we decided to skip the playoffs this uh year. We didn’t want to uh, celebrate any potential, uh playoff wins without uh, alcohol.   Also, uh it might uh come across as uh, appealing to uh Josh Hamilton. If we don’t make it to uh, the playoffs, he will never be tempted to try uh, alcohol in Boston.

Alfredo Aceves was the embodiment of yuck this year. Seriously, when he failed, well, you know. Missing Jonathan Paplebon right now?

Not at uh, all. We are more uh, concerned with run prevention here than uh, dancing jigs. Apparently uh, Ace, as we call uh, him here, heard run convention. So naturally uh, he allowed as many uh, runs as he could whenever uh, he was pitching.

Bobby Valentine or David Ortiz in a death match. Who do you have. Coming out on top?

Oh, uh, definitely Bobby. He invented uh, wraps you know! He would uh, make uh, wraps and throw them at uh, Big Pop-up! Also, in uh Stamford, Connecticut where Bobby is uh, Director of Public safety, they uh, have hand-to-hand, uh, combat training courses for uh all their safety enforcers.

New England clam chowder, red or white?

Obviously, the, uh red chowder. We, uh sell clam chowder at, uh, Fenway Park sponsored, uh, by Legal Sea Foods, Don’t, uh, forget to buy, uh,  a brick.

What's the deal with chowder?

Well it’s a, uh, multi-factorial process. It’s usually, uh, made with milk or, uh, cream and served with, uh, saltine crackers.

Saltines huh? I'm a huge saltine fan. Of course, anyone who has had the flu loves saltines.

Do you miss Kevin Youkillis and his beard? Or just Youk? Or just his beard?

Just his uh, beard. And, uh, his sweat. He sweats, uh, more than, uh, a whore, uh, in church.

Any specific kind of church? Some are fond of whores.

I think it’s uh the one Romney is uh into. He’s been uh around the clubhouse uh preaching about some uh tablets. We thought uh he was talking uh about the uh Microsoft ones.

What in the world happened to Daniel Bard? He was so dominant. Then you guys put him on the "Joba Chamberlain pitching regimen" and he fell to pieces.

Well we, uh, try to emulate the, uh, Yankees in every way, uh, possible. We thought, uh, by following the Joba Rules, uh, on our players we, uh, would be able to return, uh, to a championship season.

Have you ever thought about not emulating the Yankees?

No. I mean uh “Who’s your daddy?” right? They uh have won uh more championships than we uh have won games in uh September the previous two uh years. I think they are uh someone we should uh follow.

Who's your daddy indeed.

That is uh, all the questions I have.  Thank you Mr. uh, Cherington. Hopefully we can uh, do this again sometime.

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