Joe West Being Ignored

In October last year, Joe West sued Paul Lo Duca for defamation when MLB and horse-racing analyst (actual thing) Lo Duca made a claim on a podcast that Joe West accepted a bribe from Billy Wagner in 2006 or 2007. The alleged bribery was that Wagner would loan West his 1957 Chevy, and in return, West would widen “open up the strike zone” for Wagner in a game against the Phillies.

As bribes go, it is definitely an interesting one. It ranks above parental bribes of offering cookies, candy or ice cream for literally five minutes of peace. But it doesn’t quite reach the level millionaire parents bribing colleges to get their kids into the best schools, or John Boehner handing out checks from tobacco companies in the House of Representatives. It’s a C+ bribe if I were going to give it a grade. You could have definitely done better, Billy. Your team deserved for you to do better.

It's a whole new world: a world without toilet paper

A lot has changed these past few weeks with the global outbreak of the coronavirus. One of the big changes, at least in the United States, is in the lack of toilet paper for sale at grocery and convenience stores. Last Thursday, I visited a Dollar Store and asked a cashier if there was any toilet paper left; he looked at me like I had asked him if there were any talking elephants left.

"No," said what I'm assuming was a Greg. And then he giggled a bit, as if to say this is nuts, isn't it? Now, do you still want that 30-pack of Airheads?

Just give me the airheads, Greg.

Anyway, we all know what we use toilet paper for.

No, no, not toilet paper forts.

At least, not anymore.

Whatever toilet paper you have right now might be the only rolls you have for a while. But there are other solutions. Mainly: napkins. In better times, most people would probably never be in the bathroom and think of using napkins instead of toilet paper. But these are not better times.

A napkin problem

I basically collect napkins. Any time I visit a fast food restaurant, or really any establishment that gives away napkins, I grab a handful. And the past six months or so I've been delivering food for Uber Eats and taken my "game" to another level, [new reality show idea: Napkin Hunt, Portland, Napkin Hunt, Chicago, etc...] collecting hundreds from all different types of places. It seems all my hard work in the past half-year is finally about to pay off in an awkward, perhaps sometimes painful way.

Now, let me be realer than real deal Arnold Holyfield (Evander's fictional brother who is even realer than Evander): as of about 1:30 p.m., March 24, 2020, I'm down to four rolls of toilet paper. So to preserve those rolls as long as I can, I need to start getting creative. And that means my napkin collection is about to be put to work like it's never been before. But you can't just grab the first napkin you see.

Level 1

White square napkins

You can actually buy these in packages in stores. Basically as soft as toilet paper and thick enough to not have to use 400 every bathroom trip. You can also quite easily roll them into empty toilet paper rolls in case you're feeling nostalgic.

QT

"More than a gas station"? I couldn't agree more. They have as soft a napkin as anyone, though a little on the small side, so you may need to use a few extra each trip. But the next time you're stopping in for one of those Chorizo/Taquito/is this a hotdog? things that are slowly rotating on their bacteria grills, look to your left and grab yourself a handful of napkins.

Other level 1: Starbucks

Level 2

Panda Express

They advertise themselves as "gourmet Chinese food", which means I must not know the definition of the word "gourmet". But we're not here to talk about Panda Express' food, or what might that smell be coming from the area that says Mandarin Chicken. Just do a point-at-the-menu-with-a-puzzled-look face, seen here:

give it a couple "hmm...hmm...yeah, ok, maybe" 's and get you a handful of napkins instead. They'll get the job done, even if it's a job that takes the entirety of D3: The Mighty Ducks to complete.

Other level 2: cocktail napkins, Chronic Tacos

Level 47

These white rectangular things

I don't remember where I got these, and that's for the best. It's like a cardboard box and sandpaper had a little napkin baby. And they are not proud of their little bundle of joy.

Other level 47: paper towels, Wendy's

Quarantine Fever Dreams

14 Days.

That’s how long it has been since Major League Baseball decided to suspend minor league games. It feels like longer, but that’s probably because we use sports seasons to let us know what natural season it is outside, which is an effective way to both avoid sunlight and people (Life hack #97).

We all have different ways of dealing with this. I have been playing more video games (Expected), the kids are out of school (Appropriate) so I have finally become the teacher that I have always wanted to be (Excited), but they refuse to refer to me as Mr. Hllywa (Disappointing). So far though, no student has been suspended and no teacher(s) have been fired. There was a slight mutiny from the pets though. I think the Retriever is the ring leader. I never trusted him.

Sicnarf Loopstok

I was watching the first game of the Liberty-VCU series last Friday (Liberty won 5-4 thanks to home runs from Jonathan Embry and Tre Todd) and at one point play-by-play man Alan York started talking about great baseball names.

York eventually mentioned a Lynchburg Hillcats (Single A Cleveland Indians) player named Sicnarf Loopstok.

Sicnarf is a former milb.com name of the year recipient, and while that's fantastic it's also sad since apparently the last competition took place in 2014.

Anyway, back to Friday's broadcast, which included closed captioning for some reason. This is the text that came up on my screen during the Loopstok portion of the telecast:

Sicknar Flupsnop!

York pronounced it correctly, so missing the first name by a couple letters isn't too bad.

Flupsnop?

I can imagine a member of the Loopstok family tuning in for the first game of a mid-February, non-conference game between Liberty and VCU, hearing the name pronounced correctly by York.

"Isn't that nice, they mentioned Sicnarf."

[Sees the closed captioning]

"Flupsnop?!"

Why was Corey Dickerson designated for assignment?

Was the question several of us were thinking when Tampa Bay made the move last Saturday.

The only reasonable explanation in getting rid of a guy who slashed .282/.325/.490 with 27 home runs a year ago is money. Dickerson was set to make nearly $6 million in 2018 and the cash/decent stadium/good ideas/fans-strapped Rays wanted to save some of that money.

Tampa Bay then went out and traded for the Angels' C.J. Cron, who makes far less ($2.3 million) than Dickerson and could take some of the DH days that would've gone to Dickerson, for a player to be named later.


While the money issue seems to be the motivation for the moves, I've come up with a handful of other potential reasons.

1. If you have a chance to replace a Corey with a C.J. you do it.

"That just makes good baseball sense."

- rival GM

2. May 23, 2017.

Dickerson went 0-for-4 with two strike outs & also grounded into a double play in a loss to the Angels.

3. Rays Fan Fest 2016 looked sparsely attended. The club no doubt blamed Dickerson, and to a lesser extent, his son.

4. Because of June 10th.

Dickerson went 2-for-3 with a pair of walks for Colorado in a loss to Atlanta on June 10, 2014. After being traded to the Rays before the 2016 season, he went 0-for-8 with five strike outs in two June 10th games. Tampa Bay wasn't willing to take a chance on another June 10th.

5. In 298 games with Tampa Bay, Dickerson never once volunteered to pinch run.

6. He wasn't the original Dickerson.

That honor belongs to Buttercup Dickerson, who played from 1878-1885 for a number of teams in three leagues - the NL, Union Association & American Association. Buttercup led the NL in triples with 14 in 1879; Corey has 20 CAREER triples. Buttercup was born in Tyaskin, Maryland; Corey's never even heard of Tyaskin, Maryland. I could go on and on and on and on, and I will in my forthcoming book From Buttercup to Corey: A Complete History of Guys With The Last Name Dickerson.

Book cover:

The Segway Into The Segue

Recently, like most adults, I suffered an accident that you wouldn't expect to pop out of nowhere while you're closing in on 40. I'm not there yet. I have a couple of years. But I'm close enough to 40 to start buying that Just For Men anti-greying shampoo. I can't actually see any benefits from the shampoo yet as my wife only hoses me off on my back deck every Sunday after work. Time will only tell. As far as the accident goes, it turns out that Segway makes miniature Segways and sometimes Amazon sells them for $200. Frankly, we're all losing money if we don't buy one at that price.

I purchased mine and it was fully charged and ready to ride when I got home from work Lundi Gras afternoon. Lundi Gras is the day before Mardi Gras and is widely celebrated by service industry employees by drinking heavily since the season's end is nigh. I'm not sure if the instructional Segway video told me not to drink and drive because, well, they shouldn't make those tutorials so blurry. Off I went. It was going pretty well, I felt, until a poor design flaw in my house took issue with my literal progress.

Backtracking just a bit, I somehow managed to convince the wife that a giant, fancy, wooden ping pong table would double as a dazzling dining room table once I removed the net and purchased leather benches from a Rooms To Go outlet. And with a table cloth or plates, I might be right. Either way, a giant, wooden ping pong table exists in what would otherwise be a sweet indoor Segway training surface.

I'm a baseball blogger. I'm no Agatha Christie. You all know I wrecked my Segway into that ping pong table and flew off of it. If there was StatCast data, I'm assuming neither the launch angle nor velocity were that impressive. It was a ground ball toward first base that Albert Pujols could have fielded. The damage was done.


Then this happened.

That's right, I taped ice around my arm and I went out there and fought. Just like Macho Man taking on Hulk Hogan with a Staph infected elbow wrapped up for Wrestlemania V, I went out there. I battled people bumping into me. I took shots of Jameson with my injured elbow because that's my finisher, brother.

But then I went to a hospital and I totally broke my arm when I wrecked my Segway into a ping pong table inside my house.

How was your offseason? Probably not as good as the Angels. Unless you got to party with Jose Altuve and Kevin Goldstein. Better than the Marlins, I hope. Maybe you traded all of your clothes for similar clothes. That is called Dipoto-ing. Anyway, this is how Off Base is going to literally Segway into a segue for 2018 baseball. You're welcome.

Tim Tebow Wants All The Babies

First, there was Tebowing. Then his football career ended abruptly because of the mystery ailment notagoodquarterbackitis. Then there was the announcing. Then came the jump into professional baseball at the age when most players are starting to see slight declines in their skillsets. But Tim Tebow doesn't care. He doesn't care if you or I think that he is too old to be getting into baseball now. He draws his inspiration from God and Dennis Quaid, not us peasants. He's always dreamed of playing professional baseball, and what better way for the Mets to continue their upward climb out of the Bernie Madoff hole that they dug themselves into by turning a profit on a 29 year old non-prospect with small-time celebrity appeal.

Josh Hamilton Avoids Suspension, John Carpino Avoids Good PR

Hi. My name is Josh, and I am an addict.

Hi, Josh.

This is a very real thing that is going to be said in the very near future for the Angels enigmatic and ridiculously overpaid and declining slugger, Josh Hamilton. And, it is a very real thing that became very very necessary with what has become his very public hearing regarding a cocaine relapse back in January. Angels' fans reactions on Twitter ranged from "Good. Baseball is not worried about the money he is owed ($83M), and is more concerned with Hamilton receiving the help that he needs" to "Great. The Angels can't dump this guy for anything now."