Monday, February 19, 2018

The Segway Into The Segue

Recently, like most adults, I suffered an accident that you wouldn't expect to pop out of nowhere while you're closing in on 40. I'm not there yet. I have a couple of years. But I'm close enough to 40 to start buying that Just For Men anti-greying shampoo. I can't actually see any benefits from the shampoo yet as my wife only hoses me off on my back deck every Sunday after work. Time will only tell. As far as the accident goes, it turns out that Segway makes miniature Segways and sometimes Amazon sells them for $200. Frankly, we're all losing money if we don't buy one at that price.

I purchased mine and it was fully charged and ready to ride when I got home from work Lundi Gras afternoon. Lundi Gras is the day before Mardi Gras and is widely celebrated by service industry employees by drinking heavily since the season's end is nigh. I'm not sure if the instructional Segway video told me not to drink and drive because, well, they shouldn't make those tutorials so blurry. Off I went. It was going pretty well, I felt, until a poor design flaw in my house took issue with my literal progress.

Backtracking just a bit, I somehow managed to convince the wife that a giant, fancy, wooden ping pong table would double as a dazzling dining room table once I removed the net and purchased leather benches from a Rooms To Go outlet. And with a table cloth or plates, I might be right. Either way, a giant, wooden ping pong table exists in what would otherwise be a sweet indoor Segway training surface.

I'm a baseball blogger. I'm no Agatha Christie. You all know I wrecked my Segway into that ping pong table and flew off of it. If there was StatCast data, I'm assuming neither the launch angle nor velocity were that impressive. It was a ground ball toward first base that Albert Pujols could have fielded. The damage was done.

Then this happened.

That's right, I taped ice around my arm and I went out there and fought. Just like Macho Man taking on Hulk Hogan with a Staph infected elbow wrapped up for Wrestlemania V, I went out there. I battled people bumping into me. I took shots of Jameson with my injured elbow because that's my finisher, brother.

But then I went to a hospital and I totally broke my arm when I wrecked my Segway into a ping pong table inside my house.

How was your offseason? Probably not as good as the Angels. Unless you got to party with Jose Altuve and Kevin Goldstein. Better than the Marlins, I hope. Maybe you traded all of your clothes for similar clothes. That is called Dipoto-ing. Anyway, this is how Off Base is going to literally Segway into a segue for 2018 baseball. You're welcome.


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