Friday, June 14, 2013

Bill Plaschke: Can't we all Just get Along?

“I think it's odd that grown-ups quarrel so easily and so often and about such petty matters. Up to now I always thought bickering was just something children did and that they outgrew it.” Oh, that Anne. She's a hoot. As long as their is red blood flowing through a man's veins, I expect bickering to forever be apart of his psyche. And with bickering comes fighting. So, my apologies, Miss Anne Frank, but some things never go away. And the escalation from bickering to fighting was on full display earlier this week when the D-Backs and the Dodgers go themselves into a bit of a scuffle. I guess, boys will be boys.

Fans cheered, smart phones recorded, drunks yelled unintelligible things at players. So basically, it was your regular, everyday, run-of-the-mill night at Dodger Stadium with the added excitement of a full scale brawl. And yes, it was legit. For those of you that missed it for whatever not good reason you are about to give me, I was kind enough to bring the video along with me.

Most brawls look like a bunch of guys hanging it in the middle of the diamond, having what looks more like a senate debate than a "brawl." But when Don Mattingly throws down Alan Trammell, Mark McGwire gets in Kirk Gibson's and Matt Williams' face and Turner Ward gets nearly thrown over a railing, you start to question whether you are actually at Dodger Stadium, or at an old timers' game. 

Of course, whenever two teams brawl, it sends reporters and bloggers screaming to their smartphone/laptop/desktop or, in Bill Plaschke's case, typewriter. Thousands of words are spewed from thousands of fingertips. And then Plaschke washes his hands because he got ink on his hands while writing his story with a quill. In case you haven't noticed, I'm calling Plaschke old. Like, ooooollllllllddddd. Old enough that he should probably just walk away from writing so that none of us are unfortunate enough to read dribble like this

Somehow, in what I can only assume is incessant questioning of Brett Searson (Dodgers coordinator of fan services), Bill found out about an email that the Dodgers received. The email stated that the Dodgers should be ashamed of the brawls that they have been a part of. Searson says that "Brawls are a part of the game." and Dodgers reliever J.P. Howell channeled his inner Rodney King saying: "Can we just play ball?" Silly Howell. Of course not. And this statement was made after he nearly sent Ward into the camera well next to the Diamondbacks dugout. Hypocrite, much?

Plaschke continues his soapboxing, and his story reaches it's "pinnacle" when he calls out Big Mac for not explaining his actions (GIF on the right) during the melee. Side note: If I were Matt Williams, I would've needed an underwear change immediately following this encounter. What does Mac have to explain? Nothing. Ian Kennedy hit two Dodgers that night. Yasiel Puig took a pitch off of the nose, and as obvious retaliation for Miguel Montero (who got hit in the back) he hits Zack Greinke in the head. Of course McGwire is fired up, above the shoulders is a no fly zone. 

Yes, Bill, the NBA hands out strict and immediate penalties for fighting. Yes, the NHL does have strict penalties for leaving the bench, but hockey also only gives out a five-minute penalty for fighting. 

Baseball, like any sport, is filled with alpha-male, jock type men. And in the heat of a game, with an adrenaline/testosterone cocktail pushing their nerves to critical mass, a 90+ MPH fastball absolutely feels intentional. Brawls are going to keep happening, and most fans are going to keep enjoying them because it's one of those few moments where they can point out to their football-loving friends that baseball does have contact. 

What needs to stop happening, is Bill Plaschke writing anything, ever. Your opinions are outdated, Bill. It's time we set you on a pyre raft and pushed you out to sea. 

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