Career Options For Bobby Valentine

After a season that made Red Sox fans miss 2011's epic collapse and chicken and beer fiasco, Boston unshockingly fired manager Bobby Valentine. While the 69-93 record was bad enough, Valentine didn't exactly ingratiate himself with the franchise. A few of his lowlights included ripping Kevin Youkilis for a lack of enthusiasm, alienating himself from players like Dustin Pedroia, calling the September roster the worst in the history of baseball and falling off his bike while reading a text message. That last one might go in the pro list actually.

What's next for Bobby Valentine? Hard to say. Crazy people are unpredictable but I have a few suggestions.

1. Return to Managing
Well, it is what he's good at done most recently. After an impressive season of getting Red Sox players, front office and fans to dislike him, a return to MLB might be a long shot. Sure, there's always Japan but I have a better idea. Jose Canseco will be playing baseball for some kind of Independent League or Mexican Death Match League or bloated old man softball travel league. If Valentine were to manage, that would free up some time for Canseco to sell more hypobaric chambers.

2. Return to ESPN
This is the boring option as ESPN currently runs a tighter ship than the Red Sox. As soon as Valentine says Chris Berman is a lazy asshole resting on his laurels with an earnumbing shtick, Valentine is going to be back in the unemployment line. But I would totally watch Baseball Tonight for that.

3. Star in the Hollywood reboot of Duck Soup

Because it is Hollywood, the new Duck Soup movie will have less to do with the Marx Brothers' classic and more about ruining the kids' game duck-duck-goose by adding aliens and explosions. Directed by Michael Bay, due out July 2014.

4. Host of Japanese Game Show
Valentine was quite popular with the fans when he managed the Chiba Lotte Marines of Nippon Professional Baseball. The fans will love him in the new trivia game show 私の睾丸の多くの痛み. The show, roughly translated to "much pain in my testicles," will feature Valentine asking trivia questions similar to Jeopardy. If a contestant gets a question wrong, they are shot in the crotch by the tennis ball cannon from American Gladiators. The winner fights an octopus in giant tank for a custom built sex robot.

5. Washed Up Former MLBer Turned Bartender
Valentine already owns a sports bar in Stamford, Connecticut so he's two-thirds there. He's even opening franchises in other towns that make you want to drink according to my sources. Imagine Bobby regaling you with classic stories like that time he put on a disguise to sneak back into the dugout after being ejected or the time he crashed his bike reading a text message from Dustin Pedroia. For the 43rd time. It's cool though because making your way in the world today takes everything you've got, taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. I'd rename Bobby Valentine's Sports Gallery Cafe to Jeers but that's just me.

Happy 4th America And Vinny Castilla

[They ate 147 snausages in 7 minutes]

Joey Chestnut ate 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes to win another championship in an American classic. That's just the perfect way to celebrate the United States Independence Day. Over-zealous eating. Frankly, I'm surprised those competitive eaters aren't dunking their hot dog buns in bacon fat yet. But it's kinda, sorta 'Merica's brithday so we should breakout some Carvel Ice Cream cake and sprinkle it with hamburgers and beer. I'm worried about your health.

But before you blow your eyebrows off with a Roman Candle, let's celebrate some of baseball's Fourth of July birthdays...

Sergio Santos, 1983, Los Angeles, CA.
What seemed like a steal for the Blue Jays in a trade with the White Sox, Santos injured that thing used for throwing a ball and has missed much of the season.

I gave him
Another set back, I'm terrible at gift giving and wrapping. Lots of papercuts.


Amauri Sanit, 1979, La Habana, Cuba.
He pitched 7 innings for the Yankees in 2011 and gave up 10 earned runs on 12 hits and 3 walks.

I gave him
A new birth certificate that named him Ami Sant and made him 22-years-old. If that doesn't work out, free raft ride to the destination of his choosing.

Brendan Donnelly, 1971, Washington, DC.
Part of the unhitable Angels bullpen that won the World Series in 2002.

I gave him
My authentic J.T. Snow California Angels jersey to try to get it signed and sent back to me.

Vinny Castilla, 1967, Oaxaca, Mexico
He hit 191 home runs and .302/.348/.545 playing for Colorado between 1995 and 1999.

I gave him
A reverse humidor for all of those away games.


José Oquendo, 1963, Rio Piedras, PR.
The comedy twins/duo/sportsfans, Sklar brothers, lobbied for Oquendo's induction into the Hall of Fame. It's not going well.

I gave him
A Cooperstown t-shirt. Not a Hall of Fame t-shirt, just a Cooperstown t-shirt. It's not his size, either. Lots of disappointment.

Dan Larson, 1954, Los Angeles, CA.
Not the guy who threw a perfect game in the 1956 World Series. Which would have been extremely impressive for a two-year-old.

I gave him
The name Don Larsen.

There are plenty more including names like: Dot Fulghum, Stump Edington, Milt Reed, Duke Kenworthy, Pinky Swander and Chief Roseman.

So happy Fourth, everybody, and enjoy that cheeseburger stuffed porterhouse. I'm sure Obamacare will cover that heart attack.

What's Next For Manny Ramirez?

The Manny Ramirez comeback attempt with the Oakland A's came to an abrupt end. While it was a much more cordial separation than Vlad Guerrero's split with the Blue Jays, the result was the same, a release to free agency. Manny hit .302/.348/.349 in 69 (hee-hee) plate appearances at Triple-A and felt he was ready for that promotion but the A's simply didn't have room for him considering their potent offense has a .295 wOBA which is good for fourth worst in baseball. Ramirez was uncharacteristically sane about everything...

"The A's treated me amazingly during all this time, but sadly didn't have space for me and this is something I can't control," Ramirez told ESPNDeportes.com's Enrique Rojas by phone. "I'm going home to continue my training hoping to get the chance to play again. I'll be waiting for that call and if God believes (playing) is the best for me, then it'll happen. If not, I'll understand."

While some younger fans will remember Manny for his silly antics or failed drug tests, he was one of baseball's great hitters. From 1995 to 2006 (his age 23-34 years), Ramirez hit 451 home runs and averaged a .318/.415/.606 line. But before Manny aimlessly wonders into the sunset and maybe/might not/should/could take along time into the Hall of Fame, he thinks he has some gas left in the tank. Here are a few of the options I believe he has to wind down his career...

1. The Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates are hitting .225/.279/.359 as a team and their .277 wOBA is the worst in baseball. Despite UZR not caring for his defense, Andrew McCutchen is a fine defensive center fielder so he could make up some ground if the Pirates decide to just sit Manny down in the grass of right field like the worst kid on his Little League team. The Pirates are above .500 and 4 games out of the Central but 23rd in attendance. Manny could help create a little buzz around the Bucs and might even swat a few bombs.

2. Lead Singer, Bob Marley cover band
I don't know if Manny can sing but you'd pay the $6 cover to find out, right? He's got the dreadlocks and nonchalant attitude to pull it off. Plus he's already tested positive for most of the drugs under the sun, why not add a little marijuana to the list?

3. Farewell Tour with the Cleveland Indians
Bring it full circle. He started in Cleveland and I think he should finish up there. The Indians are just half a game out of first but have the worst attendance in baseball. I'm envisioning a marketing extravaganza. Bobblehards, t-shirts, dreadlock hats, pregnancy tests, post game performances by his Bob Marley cover band, autograph signings, PED testing kits and road trip packages like those Grateful Dead hippies have. This idea practically prints money.

4. Bagboy at the 4020 Woodland Ave Duluth, MN Piggly Wiggly
While this is my favorite idea, he'd get fired after a week because either all of the items would get past him or he'd cut off the can goods before they got to the cashier.

5. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the New York Yankees
Manny seems similarly competent to George Costanza. This was the only scenario I could think of where the Yankees could try to stick it to the Red Sox by hiring Manny. But the cotton uniforms eventually backfire.

6. MLB Comedy Duo With Vlad Guerrero
While the potential Hall of Fame players wait for a phone call from an MLB team, you can watch them butcher "Who's on first" in half broken English-half Spanish. It's a $12 cover and a two drink minimum. No refunds.

7. Bathroom Attendant, Green Monster, Fenway
He's already familiar with the work environment. Why not make a little extra coin by handing out paper towels and mints to outfielders in need of a mid-inning restroom visit?

That's all I have but I'm sure I'm missing some. Like a routine fly ball to left field.

What Does Zack Greinke Have For Breakfast At Home?

Brewers ace Zack Greinke has some pretty interesting home/road splits since joining Milwaukee in 2011. He's literally unbeatable at his home Miller Park running his record to 15-0 after Wednesday's beatdown of the Cubs. Greinke pitched seven shutout innings allowing just two hits and two walks while striking out 12. He is a monster at home. You think pitcher wins are a silly stat? Fine, so do I. Let's look at the nerdy numbers.

In 2011, Greinke had 3.13 ERA, 2.65 FIP, 2.26 xFIP, 11.27 K/9 and a 5.41 K/BB ratio at home. On the road, he had a 4.70 ERA, 3.39 FIP, 2.95 xFIP, 9.63 K/9 and a 3.57 K/BB ratio. This season has been no different. Well, maybe a little more extreme. At home, he's posting a 1.08 ERA, 1.42 FIP, 2.03 xFIP, 11.23 K/9 and a 6.50 K/BB ratio. The road gets a 5.93 ERA, 2.53 FIP, 2.81 xFIP, 8.60 K/9, 2.90 K/BB ratio version of Greinke.

It's gotta be the home park, right? Nah. It's breakfast at home...

"You're comfortable at home. You wake up in your bed," he said. "You don't have to go anywhere to get your breakfast and coffee. Sometimes, in the hotels they have bad coffee or something, so you have to go do other stuff. Then you get to come to the field in your car (at home).

"Our clubhouse is nice. In some of those clubhouses you don't have space to get ready. Here, you have a routine that's easy to do. There's lots of space. That helps a lot in making you comfortable."

Which begs the most important question in all of baseball right now. What kind of breakfast does Zack Greinke eat at home? After some exhaustive research and almost catching diabetes from my computer screen, I've come up with the possibilities. I mean, it is Wisconsin after all.

1. Cadbury Creme Eggs Benedict



Sliced doughnuts topped with brownie mix, melted Cadbury Creme Eggs and frosting, garnished with red sprinkles and served with fried pound cake chunks.

(submitted by Edgemere)

There is a 50-50 chance that Greinke wouldn't be able to pitch through the sugar induced coma. I'm not ruling it out though.

2. The Corndog-Egg



(submitted by KANNOLYA)

That thing has to be delicious. The egg protein offsets the fried cornbread making it a healthy breakfast treat. I'm a scientist in my free time. I bet Greinke has a carton of those before a home start. Or bushel or however they sell them.

3. The French Canadian



A poutine sandwich with french toast buns topped with maple syrup.

(Submitted by Jordan Elgie)

If I know my geography, Milwaukee is basically a province of Canada. So this mashup of breakfast and a Canadian classic might be whipped up in the Greinke household before he goes out and mows down hitters.

4. The Plowboy



Ham, scrambled eggs and onions over a bed of homefries topped with sausage gravy, bacon, cheddar and Jack cheese!

(submitted by Chris Mack via Ramona Cafe)

Zack-Attack? More like heart attack. Amirite? I can show myself out.

5. The Bacon Mug



A giant mug made out of bacon filled with cheddar cheese.

(submitted by K8)

Need something to get that awful taste of coffee out of your mouth? I submit the Bacon Mug which was almost certainly invented in Milwaukee.

Greinke will be a free agent after this season. If any of these breakfast solutions are the reason he pitches better at home, I suggest potential suitors check his cholesterol. He's a ticking time bomb.

[All images and descriptions and health concerns are provided by This Is Why You're Fat]

Was Lake Elsinore A Better Fit For Tebow?

If there's two things I love it's silly Minor League stunts. Love it when a team channels its inner Bill Veeck. Oh, I said two? Let's go with dogs wearing hats then. Yeah, that sounds classier than Internet porn.

Luckily, the Single-A team for the Padres came up with a wacky idea that also covered my new habit of writing about Tim Tebow everyday. After the Jets kinda-sorta-trade for Tebow was temporarily paused (because reading contracts is for Ivy Leaguers, jerk), the Lake Elsinore Storm stepped up to the plate with a proposal...

"We know that Tim was the cause for late-game comebacks in Denver and we have our own leader of rallies, the Rally Cop. We would like to offer the Broncos the Rally Cop as well as the Grounds Crew Gorilla, winner of an MiLB Golden Bobble head last season, in exchange for Tebow," said Jones.

The Storm will also be willing to rename the stadium Elway Stadium if the Broncos are willing to accept the offer.

Here's my question, do the people in the mascot costumes come in this deal? If not, will the mascot suits be dry cleaned in lieu of physicals? These are important details.

It's unclear what role Tebow would play on the team. As Storm GM Chris Jones said, "We're not sure about Tim's baseball past." That's cool. It's just Single-A. I'm pretty sure Tebow could hold his own in the low minors. Here's my scouting report...

"Tim Tebow is a gifted athlete who possesses full sets of both arms and legs. Dedicated, hard working and other synonyms, he comes to play everyday. A true locker room leader with good makeup. Mascara, foundation, lipstick (we think he's selling Mary Kay). Ability to throw a ball, results may vary."

*leans back in leather chair, waits for scouting job*

A.J. Burnett in Master Bunter

If A.J. Burnett would have just waived his no trade clause to go to the Angels.


A.J. Burnett signed a 5-year, $82.5 million contract with the Yankees in 2009. But no matter how many neck tattoos he got, Burnett could never live up to the New York expectations. The media and fans gave Burnett hell for not performing to the massive contract. Distraught, and seeking approval, it's rumored Burnett even donned a pointed mask and fought crime one winter in Gotham. Unfortunately, armed only with a fastball and curveball, he rarely hit his target.

After Yankees GM Brian Cashman swung a blockbuster trade for young stud pitcher Michael Pineda, the writing was on the wall for our protagonist. A.J. was going to be traded. The Angels offered chubby malcontent Bobby Abreu for Burnett and the Yankees urged the right hander to waive his no trade. It was to no avail.

Burnett's young bride, a Maryland native, is terrified of flying. And who can blame her with all these motherf*cking snakes on these motherf*cking planes. It was back to the drawing board for Cashman.

The only other suitor was the Pittsburgh Pirates. Burnett would immediately become their best pitcher and perhaps a great trade chip if he pitched well in the National League. But a new obstacle would soon face A.J. For some archaic reason, in his new league, he'd have balls thrown at him too. Usually when the pitcher grabs a bat, there are two approaches. Flail wildly until you're sent back to the dugout or bunt.

On Thursday, Burnett would climb into the batting cage and begin his studies on the art of bunting. It went like this...



See, A.J. was no Master Bunter after all. He did make contact, that much is certain. Instead of hitting the ball into the ground, he took a different approach. Burnett sent that bunt screaming into his face. He'll need surgery for the broken orbital bone and is out indefinitely.

Is there a moral to this story? I'm glad you asked. Pitchers hitting is stupid. Designated Hitters for all leagues!

*One Burnett was injured during the writing of this post*

Twitter Responds To The Yu Darvish Signing

The Rangers inked Yu Darvish to a six year, $60 million deal after paying $51.7 million to negotiate with him. It was a hefty price to pay for the Japanese pitching stud. I'm no scout so I turned to Twitter to get a better idea about the Rangers new ace. Here's what I learned...

@_BrilliantBrian: I bet Yu still tricking

Deception isn't part of his game but I suppose MLBers will be confused at first.

@RiiLEY_JOLiE: YU CUTE ON TWITTER BUT NOT IN PERSON

Easy RiiLEY, Yu has modeled nude before so some chicks might dig his long ball(s).

@_StuntDaily: retweet if YU thick #strapped

Uh. I'm not doing the research on this one so refer to the previous tweet.

@HelloKiaa: Can't make me jealous, if I don't care about Yu

Oh, Alex Anthopoulos, that's a nice try posting under HelloKiaa. The Toronto GM is quite savvy in social media.

@SomethinMajor94: gud think Yu kan spell

Hey, hey... There is a 98% chance Darvish is better at English than you, buddy. That one might be a hate crime but I can't find my decoder ring.

@drewskiiii: pretty chicks want Yu to hit them up, pay for the date, gas, and make them laugh. average chicks down wit Netflix

The Rangers would probably settle with a ton of innings and a high K/9 rate but George W. Bush and Nolan Ryan wouldn't mind if Darvish could teach them Netflix too.

@ImSwaggiin: I Jus Kno Yu Hoes Hoe For a Hobby LOL

Is that the end to the pimp version of "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?"

This was just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many people talking about "Yu" on Twitter. He might be the most popular player ever.

Site News: Please Bear With Us

With wordplay like that, I'm not surprised this site is under foreclosure. You might not have noticed, my dear astute readers, but I've been somewhat missing in action over the past month or so. Your uncle Derwood has abandoned us and after an exhaustive search, I found him taking pictures of clothing left on the side of GA 400. I'm afraid he's a lost cause now.

As for me, your esteemed editor, I've been hanging out over at FanSided writing about the Angels at Halo Hangout and the Braves at Tomahawk Take. It's a little less nonsense than I'm used to so I've been mulling over what to do with Off Base.

I've decided to keep my little blog here and fulfill all of my nonsense needs by covering the absurd stories that pretend-journalism doesn't allow otherwise. So stay tuned for more porn star and deer antler spray stories. They hold a soft spot in my heart after all.

For real baseball news and opinions, check me out everywhere else. Thanks. And picnic bear wants to know if you're going to finish that sandwich.

Porn Star BiBi Jones Loves Baseball Too

Adult film actress BiBi Jones had a busy week and, for once, it didn't require her being a naughty schoolgirl. I'd never heard of BiBi Jones until her now famous Twitpic with New England Patriots tight end (hee-hee) Rob Gronkowski. Gronkowski, for whatever reason, felt the need to apologize for taking the rather SFW pics. I think we're all getting a little too critical of athletes nowadays. I would have done the same thing if I was in that situation. I mean, I wouldn't have taken my shirt off because I'm Irish and the flash of a camera might have blinded onlookers. Anyway, after doing some extensive research, I learned that BiBi Jones doesn't appear to be a fan of wearing clothes. But she does love baseball (players)...

Jones told Business Insider that an MLB agent, whom she would not name, used to bring her out to recruit potential clients after Arizona Diamondbacks games in 2010.

The agent reportedly took her to Phoenix-area bars after almost every game, starting in the spring of 2010, where she was introduced to major league players. Jones said she slept with "over 10" players that year, some of which she believes signed with the agent, Business Insider reports.

*snip*

"It was like a dream come true because I love athletes and baseball's my favorite sport," she told Business Insider.

*pops collar* I, um, hit .167 in little league when I was eight-years-old.

While I doubt I actually have a chance, I'd love to get with her. For an interview. I have so many questions. What's her favorite team? Why can't Tony La Russa manage a bullpen? Did she hook up with an Upton? Uptons, plural? Will she star in my porn parody of the video game RBI Baseball? There's no way Jeremy Hellickson can sustain a .233 BABIP, right?

I can't believe I already had an "arizona porn companies" tag. What kind of ship am I running here?

Happy Birthday To Me!

I thought long and hard about skipping my birthday this year because I'm at that age now where teams would hesitate to give me a six year contract. Well, that and if I tried to hit an 83 MPH fastball my pants would fall off and the bat would end up in the stands. But in the end, I'm just too narcissistic to pass up the opportunity to celebrate me being born. And yes, of course you can send me cash through PayPal, thank you.

I ran some criteria through the Baseball-Reference Play Index to see if anything cool happened on my birthday. Turns out, not so much. But it would have taken something pretty impressive to top Cal Ripken Jr. breaking Lou Gehrig's 56-year-old record for consecutive games played. Ripken played his 2,131st straight game on September 6, 1995 against none other than my beloved Angels. Ripken homered off Shawn Boskie in the 4th inning but the memorable moment happened in the following frame. After the game became official half way through the 5th inning, Ripken took a lap around the park high-fiving fans during a 22-minute standing ovation. I plan on recreating the moment tonight in a bar Uptown. Come by and high-five me or, preferably, buy me a shot of Jameson.

Yeah, that's right. I'll be celebrating my birthday with copious amounts of booze and poor decisions. So, just like most Tuesday nights.

Torii Hunter Is Getting Better At Twitter

Angels outfielder and all-around-good-guy Torii Hunter has been on Twitter for a while now (@ToriiHunter48) but he finally seems to be getting the hang of it. While he isn't going to be as controversial or fan friendly as the great Logan Morrison (@LoMoMarlins), Hunter appears to be posting more on the social network and he's finally sharing the good stuff. After the Angels split a rather disappointing four game series with the Mariners, Hunter settled in for the plane ride home and had this to share...


Kendrick is quietly enjoying the best season of his career with a .297/.351/.467 line and personal bests 14 home runs and a 5.3 fWAR (Fangraphs wins above replacement). And he might be closing in on a career high HSIM (hot sauce in mouth). But he seems to be upbeat about it...


Zing!


Oh no he din't. I kid but this exchange is actually funnier than any "My Wife and Kids" episode you're watching on ABC Family right now.

Nelson Cruz And Hamstring At Odds Again

The Rangers managed to batter Angels' co-aces Dan Haren and Jered Weaver over the weekend to reclaim a three game lead over their division foes but didn't escape the series unscathed. Outfielder Nelson Cruz pulled up lame on the basepath Sunday night and left the game. Cruz, playing in his 113th game of the season, was getting dangerously close to his career high 128 games played set in 2009 and his disgruntled hamstring had had enough of that nonsense.

Cruz and his hamstring have been mired in many domestic disputes for years now presumably over the choices the former has made about couches for their Texas abode. There's also the matter of running which Cruz's hamstring is adamantly against and was disappointed it had to bring it up again. Nevertheless, Cruz forced the issue on Sunday after he tried to stretch a hit into a double and his hamstring responded by tightening up as if it was preparing for prison rape.

After some tests, it appears Cruz will miss three weeks with the strain and was injected with platelet-rich plasma to speed the recovery. When reached for comment, Cruz's hamstring yelled out a few obscenities and blamed "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre for ruining its acting career. Doctors explained the hamstring was suffering from exhaustion and was heavily doped up by the plasma.

With 28 home runs, Cruz was close to topping his career high 33 in 2009 but the .270/.322/.531 line wasn't exactly stacking up to his .318/.374/.576 production from last year when his hamstring was rumored to be involved in a torrid love affair with Khloe Kardashian.

Have fun playing golf (no, seriously)

Some of you might not realize I run an impressive media conglomerate including this site and Monkeys Throwing Darts which broke the scintillating story about the Atlanta Steam of the Lingerie Football League relocating to Charlotte. I'm not sure if that actually happened though. *removes the journalism patch my mom sewed onto my overalls*

But I wanted to share some tips our resident nonsensemedian had about making golf more fun whilst playing with the up-tights. It's baseball related because I played a par three course with Pete Vuckovich's son when we were in high school. He was good at math...

How to make a day of golf with serious golfers hilarious
By Derwood Morris


Golf GUYS take golf seriously. You have to wear the right pants, or you at least have to wear pants. You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is really stupid. Serious golf guys want you to be quiet. So, asking "which club is this?" every time you shoot is frowned upon.

I've developed a list of ideas for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable. Here we go.

1. Mention how great you are at golf at least 10 times prior to the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse from hole to hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this", and keep blaming things like the condition of the course and some kind of back or leg injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.

2. Disappear for 15-20 minutes at a time (it can be for longer, but no less than 15). Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Been looking for my ball."
B. "I was playing tennis."
C. "I'd rather not say."
D. "Building a sandcastle!" (then storm off, maybe fake cry a little)
E. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Karate."
F. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
G. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged. Bonus points if you bring some scrambled eggs with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green. Even more bonus points if you use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they won't), make a wager on a hole for the eggs. "If you can sink this 90-foot shot, you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

5. Make lots of ridiculous bets.

"If I make this putt, I get one tee from each of you."

"Let's crawl to the next hole. Winner gets to walk to the hole after that."

"I'll give $1,000 to whoever spots [insert name of rare bird]."

6. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Hug them for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask then to dance.
C. Return no less than 5 seconds later and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.

7. Golf guys love to talk about the clubhouse. "After 18, we'll meet in the clubhouse." "Grab a brew in the clubhouse?" The clubhouse stinks. It's time to shake up the clubhouse scene.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway on 11; a cup of sand from 6, or just items from the clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a guy orders a beer, single him out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Stage a giant, loud, celebration. If people come over to see what you're celebrating (they won't), say something like 'Harry drowned in the water hazard on 12.'
D. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.




Derwood Morris writes about golf at Hole in Eleven Magazine. You can email him at derwoodmorris@gmail.com

Ryan Braun: One Cool Jew

If you enjoyed the last homoerotic baseball friends video I stole from Youtube (featuring Chase Utley and Ryan Howard), you're gonna love this one. In the new cartoon, Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder talk sh*t about being fat and Jewish. Then some stuff about Saturn. I can't decide if this guy is a genius or just gets 12 minutes of Internet time per day at the asylum.



It's a thin line, folks.

But "liar, liar, Michael Cuddyer" should totally be a saying.

Ryan Howard: I Could Grandslam All Day

Remember life without Youtube? Yeah, neither do I. Thanks to Twitter, I can't remember what happened 35 seconds ago. So I shouldn't be that surprised this cartoon conversation between Ryan Howard and Chase Utley has been online for three weeks without me noticing it until now. Although I do worry my Chase Utley stalking skills might be past their peak. Anyway, the video is awesome.



Immediately I wondered why Ryan Howard is talking about stolen bases unless he really savored each of his 12 career steals. Then I had to remind myself that it's a cartoon and I need to get outside more.

H/T: C.J. Wilson

MLB Frowns Upon Deer Antler Spray

If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying. And it seems like players will try just about anything. MLB recently had to step in and tell players to stop ingesting deer antler spray. Apparently, the ground up deer antler velvet contains an Insulin-like Growth Factor (IGF-1) which is essentially human growth hormone. Or triggers the release of HGH. What am I, a scientist? I've been using Jagermeister as a performance enhancer this whole time. But so far it's only increased my ability to hit on unattractive women and slur my words.

The problem for MLB is that IGF-1 is banned but, like HGH, undetectable in urine tests. So why is MLB issuing this warning now? Tom Verducci has all of the answers, of course...

Major League Baseball issued its warning about a specific brand of deer antler spray not because it contains IGF-1, but because it added the product to its list of "potentially contaminated nutritional supplements."

MLB, acting on reports from the drug-testing industry, warned the players that the deer spray can produce positive tests for methyltestosterone, a banned steroid under both the major league and minor league drug policies. The deer antler spray does not list methyltestosterone as one of its ingredients. The approved clinical use of methyltestosterone is to treat men with a testosterone deficiency and women with breast cancer or menopause-related symptoms.

You have to really stop and think about this warning to appreciate the layers to this cat-and-mouse game of PEDs. Baseball is warning its players not to spray under their tongues a product made out of the antlers of young deer -- not because it boasts a banned ingredient right there on its label, but because it could be "contaminated" with another banned substance that actually might show up on a drug test.

Way to try to save face, MLB. That was a lot of blockquoting. I'm exhausted. It's a good thing I ordered the IGF-1 starter kit from Nutronics Labs. I've been saying that we'll all be on HGH soon enough so why not get ahead of the curve with some ground up antler? It's not like they're harvesting unicorns, people. This stuff is natural. I think. Please refer back to "I'm not a scientist."

Stay tuned for the result of me spraying antler velvet under my tongue once the shipment arrives. I'm excited and nervous. I hope I don't grow hooves.

Those Wacky Marlins

The Marlins turned into quite the merry band of pranksters over the weekend. The gang isn't exactly Allen Funt, or some more current reference, but it's still cool to see baseball players having a little fun. It's important to keep a sense of humor during a disappointing season that finds the Fish 15.5 games out of the NL East. You know, in case those fat pay checks don't make them feel better.

Emilio Bonifacio is having a breakout season hitting .298/.372/.390 with 24 stolen bases but the kid doesn't have much pop. So when he hit his second career out-of-the-park home run, he was probably expecting to be greeted by some high-fiving teammates. But when he got there, high five ready to go, they were sitting there uninterested imitating the dozen of fans of their home crowd. It didn't last long though as they eventually got up to celebrate with the power challenged Bonifacio.

The second prank of the day was dealt out by 80-year-old manager Jack McKeon who must have been feeling pretty spry after pounding an Ensure. The skipper had a little fun with closer Leo Nunez and the trade deadline...

“Good luck,” McKeon told him. “You’re going to Chicago.”

“The Cubs?” Nunez asked, his face turning pale.

At that point, McKeon and Nunez’s teammates could hide the joke no longer and broke out in laughter.

Oh that Trader Jack is incorrigible. And incontinent. Zing. *dances off stage wearing adult diaper*

Chris Snyder Watches As Wife Gets Attacked

I'm not a complete monster so rest assured this story has a happy-ish ending. But any time I can connect a story about a key-wielding maniac on a scooter to baseball, well you know I have to jump at the opportunity. Pirates catcher Chris Snyder was riding in a car with his wife when she encountered the Vespa version reject from Sons of Anarchy...

Carla Snyder and the scooter-riding man, Subhash Arjanbhi Modhwadia, nearly collided Wednesday. The 44-year-old Modhwadia followed her to a gas station, kicked the vehicle and swung at Carla Snyder, police said. He also ripped a mirror off the car.

A passer-by and an off-duty police officer subdued him. Modhwadia bit the bystander and threw punches with keys between his fingers, police said. Snyders' two children also were in the car.

I realize it's unfortunate the children had to witness the spectacle but the chance to see crazy personified up close only comes around so often. He bit a bystander! I hope he was wearing a leather vest and chaps and had flame decals on his scooter. I'm glad nobody got hurt, proving the bystander is current on his shots, but a low speed chase would have made this my favorite story of the season.

Snyder was unable to come to his wife's defense due to back surgery. What a helpless feeling that must have been. Although with his .396 slugging percentage, it's unclear how much damage he could have done.

Sleep Patterns And Batting Average

Before I outright dismiss this as a complete waste of time (don't worry, that part is coming), let's poke around this little study while I'm between naps. It appears that baseball players are made of actual humans (just like us!) and their natural sleep cycle may have a correlation to performance. Dr. W. Christopher Winter of Sealy Mattress University Martha Jefferson Hospital Sleep Medicine Center had 16 players fill out a Morningness-Eveningness Questionnaire and compared stats...

Not surprisingly, the morning players did better (as measured by combined batting average) than their night owl counterparts in day games, outbatting them by a margin of .267 to .259, Winter found. The opposite was true for night games – the night owls outbatted the morning types, .306 to .252. For the midday games, the night owls had the edge, with a combined batting average of .261 versus .252 for the morning players.

I'm all for new studies but couldn't this guy have used a better metric than batting average or a bigger sample size? And, I'm just throwing this out there, couldn't the age of the player and the stage of their career come into play here? I guess not since Winter takes his findings a little too seriously...

“Currently, selecting a player for a game situation usually involves factors such as handedness, rest and possibly previous success against a certain team,” he said in a news release from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. “Now the time of day in which the game is occurring and a player’s chronotype might be a wise factor to take into account.”

Easy there, turbo. Let's get managers to stop sac bunting in the first inning before we have them analyzing sleep cycles. Obviously, this means nothing to baseball. I doubt Joe Giradi is going to hold Robinson Cano out of a day game because he had to party in New York City with a bunch of insanely hot Latin women the previous night. But I hope Winter wins a nice duvet cover or whatever the top honor is in his field.

Hey, That's My Uncle's Logo!

The Lohud Yankees Blog has a story on a Yonkers woman who is filing a lawsuit against the Yankees claiming the organization stole the top hat logo from her uncle.

The woman's name is Tanit Buday, and her uncle was Kenneth Timur, not to be confused with Tibor, who got promoted ahead of Homer at the Nuclear Power Plant. What is interesting about Buday's suit is, it has brought to light a few other lawsuits against the Yankees:

* A Staten Island woman is suing, claiming the team stole the idea of wearing pants from her raccoon, Vincent.

* A Queens woman is suing, claiming the team stole the interlocking NY logo from her uncle and his religious support group Novice Yeshivas.

* A Yonkers man is filing a lawsuit against Tanit Buday, claiming his Yonkers neighbor stole his idea for a lawsuit against the Yankees.

* A Long Island teenager is suing the Yankees, claiming the organization removed, without cause, Derek Jeter from her basement.

* Local couple Dominic and Marie Delvecchio is suing the Yankees for stealing their idea for a promotional day called Bring Your Sausage & Peppers Sandwich to the Ballpark.

* And unrelated to the Yankees, a Bronxville man is suing a man from South Jersey for not specifying whether his forthcoming 'knuckle sandwich' was literal or figurative.

[UPDATE: It was figurative, and the Bronxville man nearly starved to death].