|This is the Mariner Moose doing...well...I don't know what the hell he is doing.|
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MVP: Kendrys Morales
Kyle Seager led the offense with an fWAR of 3.4 thanks in large part to his defense, but the Cuban Missile was one of the few Mariners players who not only knew what he was doing with a bat in his hands, but also knew how to hold it correctly. In 156 games he hit .277/.336/.449 while hitting 23 home runs and driving in 80 from the Designated Hitter spot. He still runs like his ankle is held together by chewing gum and flash frozen silly putty, but that was never a big part of his game anyway.
LVP: Brendan Ryan
Although a strong case can be made for both Michael Morse and Endy Chavez, Ryan gets the scratch-n-sniff in this category for posting a wRC+ of 43. Coincidentally, that is the same level of offensive ineptitude that Jeff Mathis showed with the Marlins. His .192/.254/.265 slash line suggests that not only did he not bring a bat up to the plate with him, but that he most likely spent a majority of his plate appearances curled up in the fetal position waiting for the umpire to ring him up.
Cy Young: Felix Hernandez
Hisashi Iwakuma is a finalist for the real thing, but Hernandez has him beat in fWAR (6.0 to 4.2), FIP (2.61 to 3.44) and K/9 (9.51 to 7.58). The K/9 was the best of his career, his FIP was the lowest of his career, and his fWAR was his best since his Cy Young winning season in 2010. Here's a really scary thing to realize: Felix Hernandez was already one of the best pitcher in all of baseball. And he is getting better. That is, just, stupid.
Cy Yuck: Brandon Maurer
I really really really wanted to write Aaron Harang's name into this spot. And I could almost justify this award going to Joe Saunders. But, surprisingly, both were worth a positive fWAR in 2013. Maurer, on the other hand, had an fWAR of exactly 0.0 while posting a 6.30 ERA (4.90 FIP). He may not be the exact reason that the Mariners didn't finish in third place this season, but when you can't outpitch Aaron Harang, there are more serious underlying problems.
Rookie of the Year: Brad Miller
A Mariners rookie who knows how to use spun ash, someone alert the press. Miller posted a .265/.318/.418 slash line across 76 games. He also allowed the Mariners to jettison Brendan Ryan to the Yankees. Someone throw this man a damn parade.
Reliever of the Year: Danny Farquhar
I know what you're going to say: "4.20 ERA." But I am going to counter with a 1.90 FIP, a 12.77 K/9 and a 1.186 WHIP. He was also given the chance to close out some baseball games going 16 for 20 in save opportunities. His name also sounds like Lord Farquadd. And since I am making out the list, and have a soft spot for the movie Shrek, Danny gets my fifth pace bowling trophy.