Here's an actual text message back-and-forth I had with fake A.J. Burnett after today's Yankees game:
Fake A.J.: "Hello. I'm A.J. Burnett."
Derwood: "How did you get my phone number?"
Fake A.J.: "I looked it up."
Derwood: "Well, can you do me a favor and never use the number again?"
Fake A.J.: "But I wanted to offer you my autograph."
Derwood: "I'll give you a bag of cat urine for it."
Fake A.J.: "Deal!"