Derwood lives near the other four places you don't want to visit in Georgia and MTD "lives" in "New Orleans", so occasionally they have to communicate through text message. Here's their recent conversation.
[Began February 14, 11:21 p.m.]
MTD - Jose Canseco's baseball reference page costs $135 to sponsor. But for $135, he'd probably come play wiffle ball with us.
Derwood - For $135? He'd leave us a few hangers out over the plate, then buy us Steak N Shake afterwards and pave the driveway.
MTD - I'm going to try to track down his representation. Where'd you say that mailbox he and Ozzie talk to is located?
Derwood - Take a right at Ozzie Canseco's pet raccoon.
MTD - Gotcha. Just before the well they think the Goonies live in?
Derwood - Just before the well they think Oddibe McDowell lives in.
MTD - McDowell? OK. Well, I hear Ozzie is really cleaning up on his mesh shirt line after Jose wore it on his last book tour.
Derwood - I don't want to see Ozzie Guillen in mesh anything.
MTD - I thought we were making fun of Ozzie Canseco. It works either way.
Derwood - For some reason I had a terrible vision of Ozzie Guillen in a mesh shirt. But if I was forced to choose to see someone in mesh, Ozzie Canseco or Ozzie Guillen, I'm going Canseco.
MTD - We need to change the subject. We shouldn't have to see any of those people in anything, let alone mesh.
Derwood - Change the subject? OK. So, Cano is better than Utley, right?
MTD - Let's go back to Ozzies wearing mesh...
Derwood - This needs to be the last time we talk about men in mesh...I know it's technically still Valentine's Day, so you and Utley's relationship is a sore subject, especially since he doesn't know about it.
MTD - My relationship with him is only between us, several attorneys and a Pennsylvania judge.
Derwood - First, put the ocean sounds cd on and put a cool rag on your forehead. And if you're going to lob pebbles at Utley's bedroom window, just make sure you have both pant legs on this time.
MTD - That was indeed a poor decision on my part. Next time, I plan on just bringing a boom box and a sweet mix tape.
Derwood - Anything with Bryan Adams should get that restraining order reduced to 150 feet.