Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Joel Zumaya Might Be Looking For A New Career

The occasionally healthy, rocket-armed Joel Zumaya appears to be growing weary of all of his disabled list stints. The Tiger's 26-year-old reliever hasn't thrown over 40 innings since he tossed 83.1 in his rookie season in 2006. The amount of rehab Zumaya has worked through over the past couple of years rivals only that of Lindsey Lohan. And she ain't looking that great at 24-years-old. Well, Zumaya might be done with baseball if he suffers another injury...
"If I get hurt again," Zumaya told mlb.com, "I'm basically going to be done with baseball. I'm going to have to find another job. This is going to be my make-it-or-break-it year." Zumaya, who is coming off surgery for a broken bone in his right elbow, is expected to be offered a contract by the Tigers by Thursday's deadline.
Not all relief pitchers can bow out gracefully at 40-years-old and fall into an admirable career of turning vodka into urine like Kent Mercker. I'd like to help Joel out with some post baseball professions he should avoid after he sustains his next injury falling down a flight of stairs carrying deer meat. Pay close attention Joel, I'm here to help...

1. Professional Guitar Hero Player
Whilst Joel should already be aware of this one, it's worth noting. Zumaya was held out of the 2006 ALCS after his crazy 1.94 ERA, 10.48 K/9 ratio rookie season. The injury? Eric Clapton's work on Cream's Crossroads proved to be too stressful for Zumaya's right wrist. Zumaya fell victim to the one documented case of Guitar Hero-itis.

Alternative: Can you make money playing Angry Birds?

2. Two Men And A Truck Mover
Zumaya suffered another setback in 2007 when he injured his shoulder while moving some boxes out of his dad's attic. I don't remember this story but if Wikipedia says it's only lacking a citation, it's gotta be true. Also true, Scarlett Johansson is leaving Ryan Reynolds for me.[citation needed]

Alternative: Gift wrapping purchases at Macy's for the holidays. It's timely, provided his wrist can hold up with all of the bow tying.

3. Professional Beard Grower
I assume this is a real profession because I don't know what else ZZ Top is famous for. Unfortunately, Billy Mays willed his insane black beard to Brian Wilson and Zumaya can't even sport the blackest beard of an MLB reliever.

Alternative: Grow a curlier mustache than Rollie Fingers could ever imagine. Join a circus and learn to juggle.

The honorable mentions for careers to avoid: skee ball tournaments, kite flying championships, the Whack-A-Mole 5000, extreme knitting, midget juggling, giraffe wrangling, double dutch rope swinger.

Hope that helps, Joel. But if you do become an extreme knitter, I'll expect the usual 34% finders fee. It's a cutthroat industry.

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