Was Lake Elsinore A Better Fit For Tebow?

If there's two things I love it's silly Minor League stunts. Love it when a team channels its inner Bill Veeck. Oh, I said two? Let's go with dogs wearing hats then. Yeah, that sounds classier than Internet porn.

Luckily, the Single-A team for the Padres came up with a wacky idea that also covered my new habit of writing about Tim Tebow everyday. After the Jets kinda-sorta-trade for Tebow was temporarily paused (because reading contracts is for Ivy Leaguers, jerk), the Lake Elsinore Storm stepped up to the plate with a proposal...

"We know that Tim was the cause for late-game comebacks in Denver and we have our own leader of rallies, the Rally Cop. We would like to offer the Broncos the Rally Cop as well as the Grounds Crew Gorilla, winner of an MiLB Golden Bobble head last season, in exchange for Tebow," said Jones.

The Storm will also be willing to rename the stadium Elway Stadium if the Broncos are willing to accept the offer.

Here's my question, do the people in the mascot costumes come in this deal? If not, will the mascot suits be dry cleaned in lieu of physicals? These are important details.

It's unclear what role Tebow would play on the team. As Storm GM Chris Jones said, "We're not sure about Tim's baseball past." That's cool. It's just Single-A. I'm pretty sure Tebow could hold his own in the low minors. Here's my scouting report...

"Tim Tebow is a gifted athlete who possesses full sets of both arms and legs. Dedicated, hard working and other synonyms, he comes to play everyday. A true locker room leader with good makeup. Mascara, foundation, lipstick (we think he's selling Mary Kay). Ability to throw a ball, results may vary."

*leans back in leather chair, waits for scouting job*

Jets Should Try Trading For Trevor Bauer

Unless you're my grandpa who can't work the Internet and watches the toaster oven for breaking news, you probably heard all about the New York Jets almost-kinda-maybe-still trade for Tim Tebow. Football is dead to me after the Saints got blackballed from the league following the bounty-system punishment. But I've been waiting to work this video into a post for a while now and, tah-dah! *auditions to write segues for CBS sitcoms*

The Diamondbacks top prospect and former UCLA star, Trevor Bauer, has a unique warm-up routine. It may not be a classic throwing motion for a quarterback but Joe Jackson threw prettier games than Tim Tebow.

There's a cutoff man to get the ball back to Bauer! That's crazy. Not as crazy as the Kim Bauer-cougar trap plot that showed up in season two of 24 but nobody could believe that one either.

Trevor Bauer appears to be able to throw a ball more accurately and for a longer distance than Tebow. Plus if Tebow plays in the same city as Derek Jeter and A-Rod, New York sports columnists will suffer multiple strokes having to watch TMZ.

A.J. Burnett in Master Bunter

If A.J. Burnett would have just waived his no trade clause to go to the Angels.


A.J. Burnett signed a 5-year, $82.5 million contract with the Yankees in 2009. But no matter how many neck tattoos he got, Burnett could never live up to the New York expectations. The media and fans gave Burnett hell for not performing to the massive contract. Distraught, and seeking approval, it's rumored Burnett even donned a pointed mask and fought crime one winter in Gotham. Unfortunately, armed only with a fastball and curveball, he rarely hit his target.

After Yankees GM Brian Cashman swung a blockbuster trade for young stud pitcher Michael Pineda, the writing was on the wall for our protagonist. A.J. was going to be traded. The Angels offered chubby malcontent Bobby Abreu for Burnett and the Yankees urged the right hander to waive his no trade. It was to no avail.

Burnett's young bride, a Maryland native, is terrified of flying. And who can blame her with all these motherf*cking snakes on these motherf*cking planes. It was back to the drawing board for Cashman.

The only other suitor was the Pittsburgh Pirates. Burnett would immediately become their best pitcher and perhaps a great trade chip if he pitched well in the National League. But a new obstacle would soon face A.J. For some archaic reason, in his new league, he'd have balls thrown at him too. Usually when the pitcher grabs a bat, there are two approaches. Flail wildly until you're sent back to the dugout or bunt.

On Thursday, Burnett would climb into the batting cage and begin his studies on the art of bunting. It went like this...



See, A.J. was no Master Bunter after all. He did make contact, that much is certain. Instead of hitting the ball into the ground, he took a different approach. Burnett sent that bunt screaming into his face. He'll need surgery for the broken orbital bone and is out indefinitely.

Is there a moral to this story? I'm glad you asked. Pitchers hitting is stupid. Designated Hitters for all leagues!

*One Burnett was injured during the writing of this post*

Pirates, Please Don't Leave Without Taking This Pitcher With You

For Yankees fans, the biggest news of the off season has not been Jorge Posada's retirement, the trade for Michael Pineda, or it turning out that all of the those Mike Pagliarulo bobblehead dolls were counterfeit ("hey, this is Mike Blowers! I want my peanut shells back!").

No, as Spring Training begins we're concerned that this A.J. Burnett-to-anywhere-on-earth deal is not going as smoothly as we had hoped. A little over a week ago, the Yanks were working out a deal that would send Burnett to the Pirates in exchange for Pittsburgh eating some of the $33 million left on his contract and the Yankees eating a ham sandwich.

I don't know.

It doesn't matter what the Yankees were willing to eat, just that the Pirates were hungry for some 5 ERA, neck tattoos and 47-foot curve balls. The point was: someone was EAGER to take A.J. Burnett from the Yankees and my nightmares, and Vinny from Jersey's nightmares.

Now it seems the Yankees are quibbling over money, wanting the Pirates to take more than the $10 million they've offered or throw in top-level prospects. This has been a puzzling few days for me because I really thought the conversation would go something like this:

Yankees: "Hello Pittsburgh Pirates, what can we do for you?"

Pirates: "We'd like to trade for A.J. [phone disconnects, person on other line loses consciousness].

The staff at Offbase is here to help. The following is a list of Burnett trades we'd be willing to make if we were the Yankees.

1. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for a case of hoagie rolls
2. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for Trent Stevenson
3. Three-way trade: Pirates get A.J. Burnett, Padres get Murray Klein (12 HR for 2011 Bly's Bakery softball team), Yankees get a 1997 Pirates yearbook autographed by Midre Cummings
4. A.J. Burnett to the Henderson Valley 9-year old all-stars for a player to be named later
5. A.J. Burnett to the Indians for J.B. Arnett
6. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for a goldfish to be named later
7. A.J. Burnett to the Kinsella family for the uncle that threw the kid off the bleachers
8. A.J. Burnett to the Royals for Glenn Gibson
9. Yankees get Taylor Garrison from Henderson Valley to complete an earlier trade
10. A.J. Burnett to the Orioles for B.J. Hernett
11. A.J. Burnett to the Orioles for some lettuce
12. A.J. Burnett to the Pirates for Midre Cummings

Happy Birthday Johnny Dickshot

On Thursday, I'm going to officially change my name to Johnny Dickshot. Then I'll insist on being called by my full name at all times. Yup, things are finally turning around for me, old Johnny Dickshot, this year.

Dickshot was born John Oscar Dicksus on January 24, 1910 in Waukegan, Illinois. While Johnny wasn't much of a professional leftfielder, he seemed like a pretty interesting fellow. I couldn't find the back story to him changing his name to Dickshot but I only checked Wikipedia. But right off the bat with the name change, Johnny had won me over. Dickshot's nickname was "Ugly" which stuck after he proclaimed himself as the ugliest man in baseball. Classic self deprecation. Love this guy.

He played three seasons with the Pirates (1936-1938), 10 games for the Giants in 1939 and two seasons with the White Sox (1944-1945). He also played in the Pacific Coast League for Hollywood before and after his tenure with the White Sox.

Dickshot's monster season came in 1945 when he hit a .302/.366/.407 line and the only above average OPS+ (127) of his career. His 1945 season was also his last in the bigs and he finished with a professional .276/.345/.371 line. He played his final season of baseball in 1947 for Milwaukee of the American Association. His post-baseball life makes me think we would have gotten along just fine. Assuming Wikipedia didn't make this up...

Soon after his retirement, Dickshot opened a tavern called the Dugout in Waukegan. In his obituary, his granddaughter said he would often call his wife at home from the bar demanding that she look in his encyclopedia to settle a dispute over baseball trivia. He threw out a first pitch in the new Comiskey Park in June 1994.

That's awesome and what's an encyclopedia? I'm not even sure I'm saying that right.

Dickshot passed away at age 87 on November 4, 1997 in his hometown Waukegan, Illinois. You can check out his tribute page to see the slew of children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren he was survived by.

I don't know what Johnny's drink of choice was (so I'll assume bourbon) but I'm making everybody at the bar tonight take a birthday shot in his honor. Happy Birthday, Mr. Dickshot.

Twitter Responds To The Yu Darvish Signing

The Rangers inked Yu Darvish to a six year, $60 million deal after paying $51.7 million to negotiate with him. It was a hefty price to pay for the Japanese pitching stud. I'm no scout so I turned to Twitter to get a better idea about the Rangers new ace. Here's what I learned...

@_BrilliantBrian: I bet Yu still tricking

Deception isn't part of his game but I suppose MLBers will be confused at first.

@RiiLEY_JOLiE: YU CUTE ON TWITTER BUT NOT IN PERSON

Easy RiiLEY, Yu has modeled nude before so some chicks might dig his long ball(s).

@_StuntDaily: retweet if YU thick #strapped

Uh. I'm not doing the research on this one so refer to the previous tweet.

@HelloKiaa: Can't make me jealous, if I don't care about Yu

Oh, Alex Anthopoulos, that's a nice try posting under HelloKiaa. The Toronto GM is quite savvy in social media.

@SomethinMajor94: gud think Yu kan spell

Hey, hey... There is a 98% chance Darvish is better at English than you, buddy. That one might be a hate crime but I can't find my decoder ring.

@drewskiiii: pretty chicks want Yu to hit them up, pay for the date, gas, and make them laugh. average chicks down wit Netflix

The Rangers would probably settle with a ton of innings and a high K/9 rate but George W. Bush and Nolan Ryan wouldn't mind if Darvish could teach them Netflix too.

@ImSwaggiin: I Jus Kno Yu Hoes Hoe For a Hobby LOL

Is that the end to the pimp version of "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?"

This was just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many people talking about "Yu" on Twitter. He might be the most popular player ever.

Happy Boxing Day/Dick Burns Birthday

I think this site was invented for that kind of post title. If you're anything like me (god help you), you're still a little hungover from celebrating Rickey Henderson's birthday yesterday. But there's no rest for the weary. Today is Boxing Day. Banks are closed all across Canadia but I still have to work for some reason. *shakes fist at Obama*

I still don't really understand what Boxing Day is nor do I care to read the Wikipedia entry for it. I'll continue to assume it's Christmas part two. Shame on you for not getting me anything. And I went through all the trouble to find this sweet Simpsons/Rocky Balboa mashup trailer for you...



Happy Boxing Day. As long as I'm handing out happies, Dick Burns would have turned 148 today. It's Ozzie Smith's birthday too but his name doesn't make me giggle like a 10-year-old. Burns pitched for the Detroit Wolverines in 1883, the Cincinnati Outlaw Reds in 1884 and the St. Louis Maroons in 1885. He continues to be popular with the dry-humping high school crowd.

We took a long stroll down the path to that joke. While I'm not especially proud of it, I'll always cherish that journey with you guys. Merry Dick Burns day to you and your loved ones.

Site News: Please Bear With Us

With wordplay like that, I'm not surprised this site is under foreclosure. You might not have noticed, my dear astute readers, but I've been somewhat missing in action over the past month or so. Your uncle Derwood has abandoned us and after an exhaustive search, I found him taking pictures of clothing left on the side of GA 400. I'm afraid he's a lost cause now.

As for me, your esteemed editor, I've been hanging out over at FanSided writing about the Angels at Halo Hangout and the Braves at Tomahawk Take. It's a little less nonsense than I'm used to so I've been mulling over what to do with Off Base.

I've decided to keep my little blog here and fulfill all of my nonsense needs by covering the absurd stories that pretend-journalism doesn't allow otherwise. So stay tuned for more porn star and deer antler spray stories. They hold a soft spot in my heart after all.

For real baseball news and opinions, check me out everywhere else. Thanks. And picnic bear wants to know if you're going to finish that sandwich.