I think this site was invented for that kind of post title. If you're anything like me (god help you), you're still a little hungover from celebrating Rickey Henderson's birthday yesterday. But there's no rest for the weary. Today is Boxing Day. Banks are closed all across Canadia but I still have to work for some reason. *shakes fist at Obama*
I still don't really understand what Boxing Day is nor do I care to read the Wikipedia entry for it. I'll continue to assume it's Christmas part two. Shame on you for not getting me anything. And I went through all the trouble to find this sweet Simpsons/Rocky Balboa mashup trailer for you...
Happy Boxing Day. As long as I'm handing out happies, Dick Burns would have turned 148 today. It's Ozzie Smith's birthday too but his name doesn't make me giggle like a 10-year-old. Burns pitched for the Detroit Wolverines in 1883, the Cincinnati Outlaw Reds in 1884 and the St. Louis Maroons in 1885. He continues to be popular with the dry-humping high school crowd.
We took a long stroll down the path to that joke. While I'm not especially proud of it, I'll always cherish that journey with you guys. Merry Dick Burns day to you and your loved ones.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Site News: Please Bear With Us
With wordplay like that, I'm not surprised this site is under foreclosure. You might not have noticed, my dear astute readers, but I've been somewhat missing in action over the past month or so. Your uncle Derwood has abandoned us and after an exhaustive search, I found him taking pictures of clothing left on the side of GA 400. I'm afraid he's a lost cause now.As for me, your esteemed editor, I've been hanging out over at FanSided writing about the Angels at Halo Hangout and the Braves at Tomahawk Take. It's a little less nonsense than I'm used to so I've been mulling over what to do with Off Base.
I've decided to keep my little blog here and fulfill all of my nonsense needs by covering the absurd stories that pretend-journalism doesn't allow otherwise. So stay tuned for more porn star and deer antler spray stories. They hold a soft spot in my heart after all.
For real baseball news and opinions, check me out everywhere else. Thanks. And picnic bear wants to know if you're going to finish that sandwich.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Porn Star BiBi Jones Loves Baseball Too
Adult film actress BiBi Jones had a busy week and, for once, it didn't require her being a naughty schoolgirl. I'd never heard of BiBi Jones until her now famous Twitpic with New England Patriots tight end (hee-hee) Rob Gronkowski. Gronkowski, for whatever reason, felt the need to apologize for taking the rather SFW pics. I think we're all getting a little too critical of athletes nowadays. I would have done the same thing if I was in that situation. I mean, I wouldn't have taken my shirt off because I'm Irish and the flash of a camera might have blinded onlookers. Anyway, after doing some extensive research, I learned that BiBi Jones doesn't appear to be a fan of wearing clothes. But she does love baseball (players)...
Jones told Business Insider that an MLB agent, whom she would not name, used to bring her out to recruit potential clients after Arizona Diamondbacks games in 2010.*pops collar* I, um, hit .167 in little league when I was eight-years-old.
The agent reportedly took her to Phoenix-area bars after almost every game, starting in the spring of 2010, where she was introduced to major league players. Jones said she slept with "over 10" players that year, some of which she believes signed with the agent, Business Insider reports.
*snip*
"It was like a dream come true because I love athletes and baseball's my favorite sport," she told Business Insider.
While I doubt I actually have a chance, I'd love to get with her. For an interview. I have so many questions. What's her favorite team? Why can't Tony La Russa manage a bullpen? Did she hook up with an Upton? Uptons, plural? Will she star in my porn parody of the video game RBI Baseball? There's no way Jeremy Hellickson can sustain a .233 BABIP, right?
I can't believe I already had an "arizona porn companies" tag. What kind of ship am I running here?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
World Series Notes - Game 1
It's game one of the World Series!!
Texas and St. Louis!
Allen Craig#
Darren Oliver and Arthur Rhodes%&
Anyway, during the opening game of the Fall Classic I jotted down some notes.
* St. Louis bat boy's name is Tanner.
There's only one Tanner allowed in baseball history, and it's Tanner Boyle.
* This debate actually took place in the bottom of the sixth inning: should Texas intentionally walk Nick Punto?
Speaking of Punto, here is a list of loud, rhetorical questions I asked my cat, Morris
during the game:
- NICK PUNTO?!
- 7TH INNING, TYING AND GO-AHEAD RUNS ON FOR TEXAS, PINCH HITTING IS.....ESTEBAN GERMAN?! JESUS!
- THAT WAS GERMAN'S FIRST AT BAT SINCE SEPTEMBER 25?!
- WHO THE HELL IS JOHN JAY?!
* Joe Buck came close to telling an actual joke in the sixth inning. It was something about a Rangers' reliever turning on a heater with his legs.
If I had to grade the joke in Cansecos I'd give it an Ozzie.
* There's Allen Craig with the go-ahead single, which finally answers the trivia question what's Allen Craig up to these days?
* Here's a segment inspired by FOX's Tim McCarver I like to call Thanks, Tim.
1. Texas down 3-2 in the top of the seventh, reliever Alexei Ogando on deck:
"He won't bat."
Thanks, Tim.
2. Bottom of the eighth:
"Wicked slider from Mike Adams."
(Scott Feldman was pitching and had been since the seventh. Mike Adams had yet to get into the game).
Thanks, Tim.
3. After Texas catcher Mike Napoli points away while giving a sign:
"Yup, something away."
Thanks, Tim.
Texas and St. Louis!
Allen Craig#
Darren Oliver and Arthur Rhodes%&
Anyway, during the opening game of the Fall Classic I jotted down some notes.
* St. Louis bat boy's name is Tanner.
There's only one Tanner allowed in baseball history, and it's Tanner Boyle.
* This debate actually took place in the bottom of the sixth inning: should Texas intentionally walk Nick Punto?
Speaking of Punto, here is a list of loud, rhetorical questions I asked my cat, Morris
during the game:
- NICK PUNTO?!
- 7TH INNING, TYING AND GO-AHEAD RUNS ON FOR TEXAS, PINCH HITTING IS.....ESTEBAN GERMAN?! JESUS!
- THAT WAS GERMAN'S FIRST AT BAT SINCE SEPTEMBER 25?!
- WHO THE HELL IS JOHN JAY?!
* Joe Buck came close to telling an actual joke in the sixth inning. It was something about a Rangers' reliever turning on a heater with his legs.
If I had to grade the joke in Cansecos I'd give it an Ozzie.
* There's Allen Craig with the go-ahead single, which finally answers the trivia question what's Allen Craig up to these days?
* Here's a segment inspired by FOX's Tim McCarver I like to call Thanks, Tim.
1. Texas down 3-2 in the top of the seventh, reliever Alexei Ogando on deck:
"He won't bat."
Thanks, Tim.
2. Bottom of the eighth:
"Wicked slider from Mike Adams."
(Scott Feldman was pitching and had been since the seventh. Mike Adams had yet to get into the game).
Thanks, Tim.
3. After Texas catcher Mike Napoli points away while giving a sign:
"Yup, something away."
Thanks, Tim.
Friday, October 14, 2011
BBA NL Goose Gossage Award Ballot 2011
Ah, the good old reliever of the year ballot. The BBA has to remind me every year this is NOT for best mustache. Oh, and saves are a stupid, stupid stat. Let's roll...
1. Craig Kimbrel, Atlanta
Not much to this one. Kimbrel led all relievers with a 3.2 fWAR (Fangraphs Wins Above Replacement) and was my choice for the BBA Willie Mays award for rookie of the year, which he won. Over 77.0 innnings, Kimbrel tossed a 2.10/1.52/1.94 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) pitching line with a staggering 14.84 K/9. And sure, he recorded 46 saves if you're the type of person who cares about that stuff. But if you like saves, you probably don't know how to text message and aren't reading this.
2. Jonny Venters, Atlanta
Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez rode Venters into the ground in 2011. That's actually true of Kimbrel and Eric O'Flaherty too and contributed to the Braves collapse down the stretch. Venters appeared in 85 games and pitched 88.0 innings. He threw a 1.84/2.78/2.88 pitching line which was hurt when he ran out of gas. In 12.1 September innings, Venters gave up seven runs on 13 hits and 10 walks. It wasn't pretty. But he was so brilliant for the rest of the season, I have a hard time penalizing him for his manager's mismanagement.
3. John Axford, Milwaukee
His 1.95/2.41/2.85 pitching line and 10.51 K/9 and 46 saves are all pretty enough. And maybe I should have voted for him higher but not because of the numbers. It's because of this...
If the BBA would let me vote for mustaches for the Goose Gossage award like I wanted to, Axford would have run away with this thing.
1. Craig Kimbrel, Atlanta
Not much to this one. Kimbrel led all relievers with a 3.2 fWAR (Fangraphs Wins Above Replacement) and was my choice for the BBA Willie Mays award for rookie of the year, which he won. Over 77.0 innnings, Kimbrel tossed a 2.10/1.52/1.94 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) pitching line with a staggering 14.84 K/9. And sure, he recorded 46 saves if you're the type of person who cares about that stuff. But if you like saves, you probably don't know how to text message and aren't reading this.
2. Jonny Venters, Atlanta
Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez rode Venters into the ground in 2011. That's actually true of Kimbrel and Eric O'Flaherty too and contributed to the Braves collapse down the stretch. Venters appeared in 85 games and pitched 88.0 innings. He threw a 1.84/2.78/2.88 pitching line which was hurt when he ran out of gas. In 12.1 September innings, Venters gave up seven runs on 13 hits and 10 walks. It wasn't pretty. But he was so brilliant for the rest of the season, I have a hard time penalizing him for his manager's mismanagement.
3. John Axford, Milwaukee
His 1.95/2.41/2.85 pitching line and 10.51 K/9 and 46 saves are all pretty enough. And maybe I should have voted for him higher but not because of the numbers. It's because of this...
If the BBA would let me vote for mustaches for the Goose Gossage award like I wanted to, Axford would have run away with this thing.
BBA AL Goose Gossage Award Ballot 2011
Ah, the good old reliever of the year ballot. The BBA has to remind me every year this is NOT for best mustache. Oh, and saves are a stupid, stupid stat. Let's roll...
1. Jonathan Papelbon, Boston
I don't have any clue how other BBA members vote for reliever of the year. I'm not against voting for a closer, despite the very defined role, if he was the best reliever in the league. In this case, Papelbon had a monster year. Strap on your nerd boots. The 2.94 ERA might scare off some voters but he had 1.53 FIP, 2.16 xFIP, 1.88 tERA and a 1.58 SIERA. What put Paps over the top for me was his 8.70 K/BB ratio.
2. Mariano Rivera, New York
I feel a little dirty putting two closers in the top two spots but I don't like my relievers to walk hitters and Mo don't walk hitters. He had just a 3.4 BB% but when you throw just one pitch, I guess you get pretty good at locating it. The saves and 1.91 ERA will probably get him some first place votes too. I'm afraid I'm conforming.
3. David Robertson, New York
There is plenty to like about Robertson. He had a 1.08/1.84/2.46 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) line to go with a 13.5 K/9 and an 89.8 LOB%. I actually said I'd vote for him first on a podcast a few weeks ago. So Dave, if you were listening, sorry bro. You might win anyway, I'm terrible at the Goose Gossage award. Much better at mustaches.
1. Jonathan Papelbon, Boston
I don't have any clue how other BBA members vote for reliever of the year. I'm not against voting for a closer, despite the very defined role, if he was the best reliever in the league. In this case, Papelbon had a monster year. Strap on your nerd boots. The 2.94 ERA might scare off some voters but he had 1.53 FIP, 2.16 xFIP, 1.88 tERA and a 1.58 SIERA. What put Paps over the top for me was his 8.70 K/BB ratio.
2. Mariano Rivera, New York
I feel a little dirty putting two closers in the top two spots but I don't like my relievers to walk hitters and Mo don't walk hitters. He had just a 3.4 BB% but when you throw just one pitch, I guess you get pretty good at locating it. The saves and 1.91 ERA will probably get him some first place votes too. I'm afraid I'm conforming.
3. David Robertson, New York
There is plenty to like about Robertson. He had a 1.08/1.84/2.46 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) line to go with a 13.5 K/9 and an 89.8 LOB%. I actually said I'd vote for him first on a podcast a few weeks ago. So Dave, if you were listening, sorry bro. You might win anyway, I'm terrible at the Goose Gossage award. Much better at mustaches.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I got a lot of problems with you people!
(That title should've been said in Frank Costanza voice).
While watching game four of the NLCS tonight, I came across two problems with baseball commentators. Yes, Ron Darling always sounds like he has peanut butter in his mouth, but we'll get to that in a minute.
1. "He doesn't try to do too much"
That's a nice way of saying he CAN'T do too much. You think he's trying to ground a weak single to right field? If he could do more, he would.
1A.
And when did it become admirable to NOT DO TOO MUCH?
2. "A good situational hitter"
The term "situational hitter" is absolute nonsense. You're either a good hitter, an OK hitter or a bad hitter. The situation is whatever situation you are currently in. In the St. Louis seventh, Matt Holliday doubled leading off. Yadier Molina followed with a fly out to center and Holliday went to third. Peanutbutter Face said "that's good situational hitting." No, it certainly was not. No good hitter looks at a man at second with no one out and says "if I can just be a good situational hitter and fly out to center, he can get to third." Molina's situation was drive in the run, and he didn't do it.
This making outs to move runners up and the congratulatory flowers/assorted chocolates that follow garbage has got to end.
While watching game four of the NLCS tonight, I came across two problems with baseball commentators. Yes, Ron Darling always sounds like he has peanut butter in his mouth, but we'll get to that in a minute.
1. "He doesn't try to do too much"
That's a nice way of saying he CAN'T do too much. You think he's trying to ground a weak single to right field? If he could do more, he would.
1A.
And when did it become admirable to NOT DO TOO MUCH?
2. "A good situational hitter"
The term "situational hitter" is absolute nonsense. You're either a good hitter, an OK hitter or a bad hitter. The situation is whatever situation you are currently in. In the St. Louis seventh, Matt Holliday doubled leading off. Yadier Molina followed with a fly out to center and Holliday went to third. Peanutbutter Face said "that's good situational hitting." No, it certainly was not. No good hitter looks at a man at second with no one out and says "if I can just be a good situational hitter and fly out to center, he can get to third." Molina's situation was drive in the run, and he didn't do it.
This making outs to move runners up and the congratulatory flowers/assorted chocolates that follow garbage has got to end.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
BBA NL Willie Mays Award Ballot 2011
After a full year of writing nonsense, the Baseball Blogger Alliance has yet to kick us out and still encourages us to vote on stuff. And not just things we know like "how good did I look in dress socks and sandals." Which, of course, the answer is always "very." Next up is the Willie Mays award for rookie of the year.
1. Craig Kimbrel, Atlanta
Kimbrel was lights out in 2011. I'd mention his ridiculous save total if I felt like it meant anything. But it doesn't and these two sentences were a complete waste of all of our time. Over 77.0 innings of relief, Kimbrel posted a 2.10/1.52/1.94 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) pitching line and an insane 14.84 K/9. He struck me out twice just looking up his stats on Fangraphs and I was wearing my lucky high socks and everything.
2. Wilson Ramos, Washington
Unlike the American League crop of rookies, I lost interest in the National League's group immediately after Kimbrel. Brandon Belt never got a fair shake in San Francisco and I refuse to believe Darwin Barney is a real person. Ramos had a good year behind the plate for the Nats hitting 15 homers and a .267/.334/.445 line. Plus the Nats got him in a trade for Matt Capps who sold me an Icee last week at the Discount Zone.
3. Freddie Freeman, Atlanta
Freeman had a really nice year belting 21 homers on his way to a .282/.346/.448 line. He only scored a 1.0 fWAR (Fangraphs Wins Above Replacement) but UZR really hated his first base defense. His -12.6 UZR (ultimate zone rating) makes him the worst defensive first baseman in baseball for 2011. It's hard to judge somebody on one season's worth of UZR, especially at first base. It wouldn't surprise me if Freeman fares better in this category.
1. Craig Kimbrel, Atlanta
Kimbrel was lights out in 2011. I'd mention his ridiculous save total if I felt like it meant anything. But it doesn't and these two sentences were a complete waste of all of our time. Over 77.0 innings of relief, Kimbrel posted a 2.10/1.52/1.94 (ERA/FIP/xFIP) pitching line and an insane 14.84 K/9. He struck me out twice just looking up his stats on Fangraphs and I was wearing my lucky high socks and everything.
2. Wilson Ramos, Washington
Unlike the American League crop of rookies, I lost interest in the National League's group immediately after Kimbrel. Brandon Belt never got a fair shake in San Francisco and I refuse to believe Darwin Barney is a real person. Ramos had a good year behind the plate for the Nats hitting 15 homers and a .267/.334/.445 line. Plus the Nats got him in a trade for Matt Capps who sold me an Icee last week at the Discount Zone.
3. Freddie Freeman, Atlanta
Freeman had a really nice year belting 21 homers on his way to a .282/.346/.448 line. He only scored a 1.0 fWAR (Fangraphs Wins Above Replacement) but UZR really hated his first base defense. His -12.6 UZR (ultimate zone rating) makes him the worst defensive first baseman in baseball for 2011. It's hard to judge somebody on one season's worth of UZR, especially at first base. It wouldn't surprise me if Freeman fares better in this category.
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