Monday, March 6, 2017

Tim Tebow Wants All The Babies

First, there was Tebowing. Then his football career ended abruptly because of the mystery ailment notagoodquarterbackitis. Then there was the announcing. Then came the jump into professional baseball at the age when most players are starting to see slight declines in their skillsets. But Tim Tebow doesn't care. He doesn't care if you or I think that he is too old to be getting into baseball now. He draws his inspiration from God and Dennis Quaid, not us peasants. He's always dreamed of playing professional baseball, and what better way for the Mets to continue their upward climb out of the Bernie Madoff hole that they dug themselves into by turning a profit on a 29 year old non-prospect with small-time celebrity appeal.

But now Tim Tebow may be turning his best trick yet.

He may have found a way to endear himself to everyone without actually needing to be good at a sport (which, "good," was a stretch to begin with).

That's right, Tim Tebow went Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on everyone when he said in an interview yesterday that he wants to adopt a child from every continent. Well, almost every continent. Antarctica is missing, Tim. What's the matter with penguins? They're adorable, they're always wearing tuxedos, they fall off of and over literally everything.

Serious sidenote: Watch that penguin video and then ask yourself, "How in the hell is that species not extinct yet."

Back to Tebow.

I think it's wonderful that Tebow wants to adopt a whole country's worth of children. He has the means, he also has a checklist for the woman that wants to join him in this endeavor:

"Of course I want a woman who I’m attracted to. That’s a very big part of it. But I’m looking for someone who loves Jesus and loves people. Someone who makes me want to be a better person for her. And she has to want kids, and has to want to adopt. That’s a requirement."
Plus, if he gets really crazy with it, and decides that he wants to, not just adopt a child from every continent, but start sectioning his adoptions off by country, he might just get to busy to play baseball. And that would be a great gift for me. Because then I wouldn't have to stumble across headline stories talking about how he is going to be playing in Mets Spring Training games during the World Baseball Classic. The Mets could probably use that spot to audition a player who actually has a chance to be a major leaguer. Not use it as an opportunity to exploit Tim Tebow.

But, then again, this is the Mets we are talking about.


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