Saturday, August 20, 2011

Have fun playing golf (no, seriously)

Some of you might not realize I run an impressive media conglomerate including this site and Monkeys Throwing Darts which broke the scintillating story about the Atlanta Steam of the Lingerie Football League relocating to Charlotte. I'm not sure if that actually happened though. *removes the journalism patch my mom sewed onto my overalls*

But I wanted to share some tips our resident nonsensemedian had about making golf more fun whilst playing with the up-tights. It's baseball related because I played a par three course with Pete Vuckovich's son when we were in high school. He was good at math...

How to make a day of golf with serious golfers hilarious
By Derwood Morris

Golf GUYS take golf seriously. You have to wear the right pants, or you at least have to wear pants. You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is really stupid. Serious golf guys want you to be quiet. So, asking "which club is this?" every time you shoot is frowned upon.

I've developed a list of ideas for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable. Here we go.

1. Mention how great you are at golf at least 10 times prior to the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse from hole to hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this", and keep blaming things like the condition of the course and some kind of back or leg injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.

2. Disappear for 15-20 minutes at a time (it can be for longer, but no less than 15). Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Been looking for my ball."
B. "I was playing tennis."
C. "I'd rather not say."
D. "Building a sandcastle!" (then storm off, maybe fake cry a little)
E. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Karate."
F. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
G. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged. Bonus points if you bring some scrambled eggs with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green. Even more bonus points if you use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they won't), make a wager on a hole for the eggs. "If you can sink this 90-foot shot, you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

5. Make lots of ridiculous bets.

"If I make this putt, I get one tee from each of you."

"Let's crawl to the next hole. Winner gets to walk to the hole after that."

"I'll give $1,000 to whoever spots [insert name of rare bird]."

6. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Hug them for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask then to dance.
C. Return no less than 5 seconds later and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.

7. Golf guys love to talk about the clubhouse. "After 18, we'll meet in the clubhouse." "Grab a brew in the clubhouse?" The clubhouse stinks. It's time to shake up the clubhouse scene.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway on 11; a cup of sand from 6, or just items from the clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a guy orders a beer, single him out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Stage a giant, loud, celebration. If people come over to see what you're celebrating (they won't), say something like 'Harry drowned in the water hazard on 12.'
D. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.

Derwood Morris writes about golf at Hole in Eleven Magazine. You can email him at

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