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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Real All-Stars Come Out in Anaheim

Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer, Alex Rodriguez-all household names. But who were the real all-stars in Angels Stadium the past three days? Here's the Offbase all-star team, voted in by the members of the Paynow Grocery Store produce department based on career achievement.


Offbase All Stars
Manager - Papa Dawg



Career record: 169-302 in parts of six seasons with the San Vinson Vipers and the Qwayne Valley Riverrats of the Independent-Backwood League.

Claim to fame: Once ate seven ounces of infield dirt during an argument with an umpire.

Secret shame: As manager of Qwayne Valley, he dressed up Nancy "Heater" Rebsin as "Ned Resbin" for a 2008 playoff game. After two scoreless innings, Rebsin had her hat fly off during a windy third inning, revealing her strawberry blonde hair. As a result, the Riverrats forfeited the game and in the Blue parking lot, a gang of hooligans made off with several road cones. Papa Dawg was blamed for both incidents and fired the next day.


1B - Brian Wallenfang, No. 10



Career stats: .225/.239/.307 in eight seasons with Paintlick Hardware softball team.

Career highlight: none

Lowlight: After an argument with first-base umpire Verne Corey (July, 1998), was beaten to near-death by the first-base bag.


2B - Mick Teto, No. 14



Career stats: Led Ernie League in 1999 with 104 ground outs.

Highlight: During recent Teto family wiffle ball game, struck out Grandma Cathy in three consecutive at bats.

Lowlight: Suspended in May, 2007 after testing positive for performance-enhancing koala bear fur.


SS - Julio Oseguera, No. 11



Career stats: Hit .196 in only season in Uruguay Winter League (2002).

Highlight: Opposite-field single off Ronnie Paulding put runners at first and second with no one out in the fourth inning. The Canelones Asados didn't score and lost 11-3.

Lowlight: Lived underneath right-field bleachers at Asados Stadium (November-December, 2002).


3B - Bobby Ortiz, No. 61



Career stats: Hit 8 of 30 total pitches thrown (60 M.P.H.) at 17th Avenue Bert's Batting Cage, July 7, 2010.

Highlight: Named his new bat Sawed Off.

Lowlight: Got confused during a transaction with some neighborhood kids and accidentally traded bat for a half-eaten bologna sandwich.

RF - Don Love, No. 44



Career stats: OPS+ of 9 in four seasons for Team 7 of the Oscar Park Co-Ed Thursday League

Highlight: Sacrifice bunt (June, 2007)

Lowlight: Opening day 2008, had season-ending injury in first-inning at bat after violent sneeze.


CF - Manny Jabba, No. 50



Career stats: 3.7 PPG for Kerner High School. [Never played baseball].

Highlight: Elected to Jabba Family Hall of Fame.

Lowlight: Suffered index finger injury on bus ride to induction; lost fingernail.


LF - Burt Long, No. 3



Career stats: .170 OBP for 1982 Wotts Valley Renegades.

Highlight: Purchased No. 3 jersey, personally stitched LONG on back.

Lowlight: Replaced on 1983 Renegades by squirrel (Otto).


C - Johnny Anaheim, No. 26



Career stats: 11 sacrifice bunts

Highlight: Changed last name to Anaheim after Angels defeated Boston 2-0, April 3, 1997.

Lowlight: Former last name: Zurclinoff


SP - Gavin Larmore, No. 3



Career stats: 29-76, 9.47 ERA, 6 PANTS FALLINGS

Highlight: none

Lowlight: Swallowed a rosin bag during bench-clearing brawl (July, 2000)

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