As with every other major drinking holiday, I like to wish our readers a happy, in this case, Father's Day (where applicable). Neither Derwood nor myself are proud fathers unless you count this adorable little blog. In which case, I'd like to think of myself as the Greg Evigan to Derwood's Paul Riser in My Two Dads. *bangs gong*
I'd like to wish my dad a happy Father's Day but he doesn't like baseball and subsequently doesn't visit my site. Which is why I got him the same thing I got him last year, the cold shoulder. Just kidding, pops, love ya. I've never met Derwood's dad but he did get me tickets to a WWE Royal Rumble once. Amazing seats. So happy Father's Day, guy. We love ya, see what you can do about some MLB All Star tickets. Nobody is going to want to go to Kansas City in 2012.
Now let's take a look at some busy fathers in the history of today.
The former Buffalo Bills running back probably isn't having as nice of a Father's Day as you. He's serving a 3 year sentence in federal prison for financing a cocaine trafficking ring. But he is going to get more Father's Day cards than you. Going into 2009 he had 9 different kids with 9 different women. *holds gun to the head of birth control* He had to ruin his streak in 2009 though when he had twins with a 10th woman. Recap: 11 children, 10 different mothers.
The 26-year-old cornerback was traded to the New York Jets this past offseason. Look out ladies in the New York/New Jersey/America area, Cromartie is here for two things: to intercept footballs and spread his seed and we're all out of footballs. He has at least 7 kids with 6 different women in 5 different states.
Remember when Shawn Kemp was a force with the Seattle Super Sonics? Remember when Seattle had a basketball team? Neither do I but I have a short atten.. ooh Spaceballs is on. Going into 1998, Kemp had 7 kids with 6 different women. It's now believed he's up to 11 children with 9 different women.
Holyfield is, unfortunately, best known for getting his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. That really is a shame because that dude is super fertile. He has at least 11 children which only rivals his career concussions.
So to all you dads out there, happy Father's Day. Just be glad you don't have to go to Chili's 9 times today. A man can only eat so many mediocre hamburgers. Well, maybe not Shawn Kemp.