Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Bartolo Colon Attempting Comeback By Not Being Fat

I've made fun of Bartolo Colon over the years because I find fat athletes hilarious and he wasn't a very good pitcher. Colon threw 62.1 innings in 2009 for the White Sox and hasn't thrown over 100 innings since 2005. But it was a joy to watch that round Dominican try to find the strike zone or Weeble Wobble his way over to cover first base. Well those glory days might be all behind us now friends. The news coming out of Cleveland is that Colon is planning on pitching again but 40 pounds slimmer.

I know. I, too, am disappointed at the lost opportunity for any future fat Bartolo Colon jokes. Unless, of course, he falls off the Ho Hos wagon. *fingers crossed* Let's take a look at a few of the items Colon had to remove from his normal diet to lose the weight with an assist from our friends at This Is Why You're Fat...

Burrito Unicorn

He didn't actually give these up choice; he ate them out of extinction. Now you will only be able to tell your children stories about the mystical and glorious Burrito Unicorn.

Doughnut Pizza

Move over Wheaties, there's a new breakfast of champions in town. Nothing gets you out of the gate and ready for a productive day like a sixer of PBR and a donut the size of a pizza. Ready, set, nap.

Philly Taco

Okay, that one actually looks awesome. That is a Philly cheesesteak wrapped in a slice of pizza. Somebody should give the inventor some kind of award. Like a bronzed cholesterol.

Pop Tart Sushi

This is the only type of sushi Colon used to eat. It's crushed up pop tarts rolled in fruit roll ups. His favorite was the Dynamite S'mores Roll.

The 50 Pound Burger

Bart was a big fan of any meal that required a chainsaw as part of the table setting.


  1. I guess you are a cook? Seeing you know nothing about baseball I assumed you had to be a greasy, burger flipping, pot bellied, dirty T-Shirt truck stop, cigar toking, 300LB Jelly Belly? No? Well, while you were flipping burgers, Fat Boy Bartolo Colon was compiling a record of 153-103 and a Cy Young Award in 2005. Now 37 is not to old for a pitcher to be a success, especially one that, except for two injury filled seasons in '06 &'07 put up solid numbers for 11 straight years, as Colon did. Or maybe your a bit envious of the 70 MILLION DOLLARS the fat boy made?

  2. Thank you for your carefully constructed feedback. I can also tell, since you used pitcher wins to determine Colon was a good pitcher, you really have your finger on the pulse of modern evaluation. I would like to subscribe to your 1960s newsletter.

    Colon has a career 4.22 FIP and had one season that he was a 5 WAR pitcher. And it wasn't the 2005 Cy Young year. By the way, Johan Santana deserved the Cy that year and it wasn't close. Since 2006, he's pitched 256.9 innings for a -0.9 WAR. But yeah, good luck with him bouncing back.

  3. I'm envious of Rich's blogspot profile.