I'm a 30-year old man, so naturally I spend a lot of my time playing a video game that was created when the Royals were still wearing powder-blue uniforms. I would really like to enter into an RBI Baseball tournament, but at the same time, that's not a room anyone should spend time in.
There are a handful of lethal sluggers in the game and here is a look at those hitters and how they've enriched my life.
Jack Clark, St. Louis Cardinals
Let's put it this way: if you've got a lefty in the game and Clark is coming up, go get a right-hander from the pen because Clark will laugh at your southpaw and then hit a 700-foot home run that goes out of the TV screen. The fireworks will go off, and Clark will get the girl and the endorsement deals. Happens every time.
December, 2009: Clark hits his sixth home run of the game against Houston.
Me (screaming): "SIX! SIX!"
My wife (waking up): "What the hell are you screaming about?"
Me: "It's six! Six o'clock, Christmas morning. Merry Christmas!"
Darryl Strawberry, NY Mets
Straw has a lot of power, but he can also hit scalding line drives that make short relievers like Charlie Kerfeld have accidents in their stirrups. Plus, if you are dumb enough to pitch around Gary Carter to get to Strawberry, you deserve everything that comes to you.
March, 1996: Hit by a Don Sutton pitch. Ray Knight follows with an inning-ending ground out, marking the first time in my 11 years of owning the game that the computer's strategy had paid off.
Matt Nokes, Detroit
Despite a .441 career slugging percentage in real life, Nokes is the most feared hitter in the 10-team league. I don't try to explain it, I just let the table setters-Alan Trammel, Kirk Gibson and Darrel Evans-work their way on base and then wait for an inside fastball.
Late-July, early-August, 2007: Nokes literally ate Minnesota's Juan Berenguer for breakfast (took six days).
Kent Hrbek, Minnesota
Once hit a 940-foot home run off a tired Danny Cox throwing 24 M.P.H. It gave the Twins a 21-4 lead in a game they would go on to win 36-4.
July, 1988: Kevin Hassett came over after we swam at the neighborhood pool. He was a Twins fan, so it was Twins-Astros, winner gets the last popsicle. I thought Mike Scott could groove a fast ball by Hrbek. I was wrong. Hrbek hit a home run that just landed a few minutes ago. Next pitch, I hit Tom Brunansky in the back. My friendship with Kevin deteriorated after that.
Mark McGwire, AL All Star team
You need to bring McGwire off the bench, but luckily I have no problem giving Bill Schroeder the day off.
Wednesday: McGwire's grand slam is the start of a 13-run inning as the All Stars embarassed Roger Clemens and the Redsox at Fenway.